The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Florida

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida
Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida.
See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.
So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.

20 Insane Out-Of-Context Images From Russian Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Novels

20 Insane Out-Of-Context Images From Russian Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Novels
There's really no good way for me to preface a collection of images so utterly devoid of context, sanity, or coherency, but I'll give it a shot anyhow: Here are twenty brainmelting illustrations from what I believe to be a series of blackmarket Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle novels from Russia. As you can probably see from the image above, it is extremely difficult to explain most of them in words.

Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if your head explodes while viewing these.

Web Detritus (Week of 11.21.10)

Bass GirlA half-assed collection of cool links, great infographics, and a bunch of other random crap courtesy of The Internet.
This week: Live Action Sonic The Hedgehog Fanfiction, Traumatic Memory Erasure, Mass Hysteria, Unsettlingly Effective Sales Pitches, Best Inventions of 2010, An Awesome Real Life Detective Story, and The Endlessly Fascinating World Of Vitamin D Deficiency.

5 Surprisingly Obscene Bible Stories

5 Violent, Filthy, & Hilarious Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.

In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).

13 Unintentionally Hilarious Headlines I Expended Very Little Effort To Find

Unintentionally Hilarious Headlines
A few weeks ago, a man became inexplicably enraged by one of my idiotic articles and wrote in to gleefully point out to me (amongst other things) how much much of a moron I was, and used a spelling error I had made in the opening paragraph of the article to reinforce this point.

While I will certainly grant to this gentleman that I am, in fact, "a fucking jackass who has no idea what the fuck he is talking about", I do take issue with being called a moron simply because I misspelled the word "immediately". It's not that I dispute my moron-ness, but I just feel that there are plenty of other [far more] valid reasons to call my intelligence and writing ability into question.

I would propose that "accidentally forgetting to spellcheck something because I was high on amphetamines when I edited it" does not make me moron. It may make me irresponsible, and possibly a prescription drug addict. But a moron? I think not.

But if you'll excuse me, I have to use this sentence to link this semirelated intro to the  hastily thrown-together "Funny Headline Mistakes" article below. There. Done.

Web Detritus (Week of 11.14.10)

New Kids On The BlockA weekly collection of interesting links, cool infographics, strange articles, and plenty of other random junk worth checking out.
This week: Japanese Tentacle Porn, Spontaneous Human Combustion, Organic Food Myths, Inside A Life Of Cybercrime, Country Music Suicide, Ironic Error Messages, and of course: New Kids On The Block.

5 Offensive, Outrageous, & Possibly Fictional Things You May Not Have Heard About Ray Kroc

5 Facts About Ray Kroc
Ray Kroc (the ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of McDonalds), gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as someone who used to work at McDonald's, this really pisses me off.
What's so bad about Ray Kroc? Here's one example: He is said to have coined the phrase "If You’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean." This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Mr. Kroc's attitude towards his employees. I can only assume Kroc decided to publicize this motto because he feared his two other favorite sayings, "Clean it now up or you're back on food stamps" and "You're only here because you're still cheaper than a robot" might not have endeared him to the public quite as much.
So in honor of this cruel obsessive-compulsive tyrant's memory, here are five fascinating (and potentially libelous) things you probably didn't know about Ray "The Kommendant" Kroc.

20 (More) Engrish Signs To Thrill & Upset You

Engrish Sign
Back to another round of bad the sign shop! This is more than the bad sound you love,m and more of it! People who make these signs are fill of humor, but do not know. This is a recreation of the difficulties, to say the least.

There are 20 indicators in this pack (sincere smile). We all hope you like to see these signs!

Web Detritus (Week of 11.07.10)

MementoA compilation of cool links, fascinating news stories, infographics, and a bunch of other neat stuff floating around on the internet.
This week: The World vs. Babies, Democratic TV vs. Republican TV, Profanity vs. Finger Waggers, Fat People vs. Twinkies, and An Elderly Pianist vs. The Concept Of Computer Repair.

The Casually Dismissive Guide To Outdoor Activities

Slingshot Man
I'm not exactly someone you would describe as the "outdoorsy type". I'm really more of a "comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it" type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don't have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it's always just so irritating and unpredictable: Oh great, I went for a walk and it started to rain. Fantastic, the sun went down and now I can't see. Wonderful, I wandered into the Pakistani Himalaya and got disemboweled by a Himalayan Brown Bear. I swear to god, it never ends.
I really don't see how nature expects anyone to enjoy the outdoors when all this annoying crap is constantly going on. I'll give you an example: One time I went camping and was continuously buffeted by reasonably strong winds. Winds! Can you imagine? It was beyond belief. The third time my hood blew off my head, I walked to the car and drove straight home. But honestly, can you blame me? A man can only take so much abuse.
But anyway, here's my Officially Licensed Guide Every Single Outdoor Activity Ever.

20 Engrish Signs To Thrill & Confound You

Engrish Sign
In the Englishs languages it is a right way and a wrong way to tell. This is also true of sign of things. If an incorrect language is used on sign or logo, they do not even understand the rules correctly! This may be dangerous, pregnancy, or worse!

So, here to please readers of the twentieth signs which shows the use of improper grammar and spelling errors. Thank all the competitors.

Web Detritus (Week Of 10.31.10)

Asian GuyA weekly collection of cool links, neat infographics, photo galleries, and a bunch of other stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else.
This week: The Best & Worst Illegal Drugs, Breakups On Facebook, Human Body Myths, Online Gaming Assholes, Insane Rollercoasters, Nightmarish Playground Equipment, and The Good Old AK47.

Worthless Guide To Monsters: Medusas & Minotaurs

Medusa & Minotaur
A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a mildly entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another way. And then it dawned on me: There WAS another way. I could continue to write pointless and sort of crappy guides about various types of monsters! So that's what I did.

So I hope you'll join me for this look at Medusas and Minotaurs (part [?] of a [?] part series). Thank you and thank you.
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