Web Detritus (Week of 07.25.10)

Tongue Web DetritusA weekly collection of fascinating links, strange news stories, and random crap I found lying around on the internet.

This week: The Horrors Of Shrieking Children, Elderly Japanese Mummies, Stealing From The Blind, Movie Theater Violence, Inception, and Ice Cream Ice Cream Ice Cream?

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls
Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: So that they may be chased.

I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards "sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to" but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
 
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.

20 More Photographs Of Terrible Cosplayers

20 More Photographs Of Terrible Cosplayers
Upon seeing a gallery such as this, the average person could be forgiven for dismissing it as nothing more than a random assemblage of stupid photos which I have slapped together in a half-assed attempt to avoid writing an actual article. In all fairness to me, this is only partially true.
 
Certainly "getting out of actually writing something" was my intention AT FIRST, but I quickly discovered how gruelling "sifting through thousands of pages of dull cosplay photos featuring androgynous Japanese preteens to find the 0.0001% of them which are sad/inventive/stupid enough to be worthy of ridicule" actually is.
 
So in the end, creating one of these stupid galleries is actually just as much (if not more) work than writing a deliberately insulting article about one of the 50 US states, so I hope you all appreciate it.

Web Detritus (Week of 07.18.10)

Weird News SkateboardA pointless collection of interesting links, strange news stories, and other amusing garbage discovered on the internet.
 
What's happening this time around? Street Signs Causing Dwarfism, Senior Citizens Eating Dog Food, Parachuting Donkeys, Homophobic Gunmen, & What Is Probably The Worst Job Of All Time.

I Invite You To Waste Your Money On These Laughably Overpriced Appliances

I Invite You To Waste Your Money On These Overpriced Appliances
In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one's money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it's not half as much fun or easy as just buying whatever seems the neatest.
 
The other alternative is to rely on worthless folk wisdom such as "you get what you pay for". But of course, whenever any reasonably wealthy person follows "you get what you pay for" to its logical conclusion they end up driving some piece of crap Lincoln with heated seats that don't work, paying 4 dollars extra for "organic" corn chips, or buying an eight thousand dollar pair of Bose speakers because they cost a lot and thus "must have been really good."

So here's some of the overpriced crap rich people often like to waste their money on.

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.

Hey Beardy: 20 Vaguely Upsetting Photographs of Men With Scary Beards

20 Upsetting Photos Of Men With Scary Beards
Having already created a photo gallery covering mustaches for no good reason, I decided to whip up a similarly pointless and substantially more offputting companion piece cataloging the existence of various beards.

So that's what this is.

Web Detritus (Week of 07.11.10)

Blown Out FacegirlA haphazard collection of cool links, weird news stories, and random crap exhumed from all corners of the internet.
 
This week: Drug Addled Men Attacked By Drug Clowns, Ancient PC Advertisements, Prosthetic Leg Fires, Tomato Sauce Drownings, Murderous Apes, & The Periodic Table of Swearing.

Amazon Oddity: All That The Rain Promises And More...

Amazon Oddities - All That The Rain Promises & More
The old "don't judge a book by its cover" adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it's a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged trombone enthusiast named David who enjoys feigning the thievery of large quantities of fungi while wearing a cheap 80s tuxedo.

Myths, Lies, & Freedom: 5 Reasons Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

5 Reasons Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water
The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic world of ours.
 
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
 
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.

20 Costumes With Which To Engender Fear In The Hearts Of Your Enemies

20 Costumes To Engender Fear In The Hearts Of Your Enemies
"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered.
And lo, no one was there."
- Author Unknown


Web Detritus (Week of 07.04.10)

Weird News Eyeball GuyA haphazard collection of fascinating links, weird news stories, and random crap exhumed from all corners of the internet.

This week: Walmart Masturbation, Godly Mutations, Ethnic Slurs, The World’s Worst Themeparks, High School Teacher Nudity, and Good News About LSD.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wisconsin

Tourists Guide To Wisconsin
There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately, like the solvent vapors from innumerable batches of high-grade bathtub methamphetamine.
 
So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of it for nonexistent tourists.

Choose Your Own Adventure: A Life Of Crime

Grain
It is a particularly fine summer evening. You are taking a shortcut through a field of wheat, on the way to your job at the bank. Suddenly you feel a tremendous pressure in your eardrums and a white light envelops you. You are lifted, struggling, into the belly of a spacecraft.

An alien approaches and informs you that you are to be the subject of an experiment on human nature. The alien says you are to receive a number of randomly assigned superpowers, and that you are free to use these powers as you see fit.

You rub your hands together and say, “Alright then.”

The alien squeals with delight and flips a switch. A bell rings and the floor opens up, sending you tumbling out of the ship.

What do you do?


Attempt to fly

Shake your fist angrily at the ship as you plummet towards earth

Web Detritus (Week of 06.27.10)

Web Detritus BearsI changed the name of this column from "Weird News" to "Web Detritus. Seeing as this is pretty much just an assemblage of all the leftover crap I find throughout the week and can't use anywhere else, I think the name fits.

So please enjoy this week's edition. Thank you, and thank you.

Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums of All Time

The Baron's Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums Of All Time
The BaronHowdy internet fans, it's your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley with another top ten list to shake the foundations of your musical knowledge to their very cores! Those of you who know me best will agree that I have one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys while bobbing my head to the sound of wailing guitars and nonstop drums.
 
Some say rock ain't what it used to be, but I tend to disagree. There are plenty of high quality rock albums out there, you just have to know where to look (namely: right here in this very article).
 
Fair Warning: There are going to be some pretty controversial choices in here, as I don't often follow the crowd. But keep reading if you've got the guts, and you'll be rewarded with hours of rock and roll hijinks. That's a promise!

Don't Even.

The Postman
I'm really sick from a virus or methadone withdrawl right now and I can't post anything.

So here's a photograph I once found of a 1970s postman.

You had better watch your step.

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