Web Detritus (Week of 09.05.10)

Fat ApeA collection of interesting links, weird news stories, and other notable dispatches from lower depths of the internet world.
 
This week: Magnetic Serbians, Bongo Jesus, Gun-Weilding Volleyball Mothers, Infants Utilized As Weapons, Masturbating Burglars, Surprisingly Worthless Superpowers, and The Secret To Eternal Happiness.

Amazon Oddity: Kurt Adler Diet Coke Can Light Set

Coca-Cola Can Lights
Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars) a set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans. These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not clash with the Coca-Cola commemorative plates, framed Coca-Cola photographs, and dust-encrusted Coca-Cola Calendars which currently adorn the walls of your cluttered, cat-piss-smelling hovel.
 
With just a simple credit card transaction, these gaudy symbols of unabashed consumerism will be shipped directly to your front door, where they may then be torn from the box in a frenzy and slapped upon the walls as symbols of your pathetic brand loyalty to one of the world's largest and least interesting corporations!
 
So let's dive right in and take a look at the specific features which make these particular sources of artificial (yet godly) luminescence so very special.

Top 5 Most Fascinating Ways To Die

Top 5 Most Fascinating Ways To Die
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
 
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuckie Cheese.
 
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.

Web Detritus (Week of 08.29.10)

Smoking PuppyA weekly collection of cool links, odd news stories, and other superfantasticamazing things I found on the internet.
 
This week: Chinese Dogs Smoke Cigarettes, Creepy Sex Dolls, Justice For Litterers, How To Win The Lottery, Guantanamo Bay Prisoner Art, & The Latest Shocking News About 2 Live Crew.

Coolest Baby Names Of All Time

Coolest Baby Names Of All Time
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser" Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday, and that's not something any parent wants.
 
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or Bobcat Goldwaith.
 
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names Of All Time.

20 (More) Spectacularly Awful Album Covers

20 More Spectacularly Awful Album Covers
I hope that you will please forgive my inability to stop posting galleries featuring hilariously bad album covers. Please know that I only continue to do this out of a deep and abiding love for the human race. Well that, and also I've also got a number of very serious mental disorders I am unsuccessfully attempting to reign in.But that isn't important right now.

The photos are the reason we're all here, so let's get started.

Web Detritus (Week of 08.22.10)

House Part Web DetritusA collection of fascinating links, weird news stories, and other random exciting things. Brought to you by The Internet.
 
This week: Wild Sex In Strangers' Homes, Tiger Smugglers, Toddlers With Shotguns, Teabonics, Unbelievably Filthy Ancient Poems, 5 Day Traffic Jams, & A Video That Will Change Your Life Forever. (Now With More Pictures!)

Amazon Oddity: Q-Link EMF Pendant

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant
Is the Q-Link Pendant some ingenious scam, or do magical mass-produced pendants with the ability to fight off diseases using invisible & unmeasurable fields actually exist? These are the sorts of questions I often find myself asking after receiving several blows to the head with an industrial-grade titanium girder. Of course I don't mean to suggest that only someone who has sustained severe damage to the frontal lobe would believe that a small chunk of plastic and metal could actually prevent or treat any disease--wait, actually maybe I do.
 
In any case, please have a look at the following article, in which I discuss the features of the Q-Link pendant in the most evenhanded, dignified, and unbiased way possible.
 

CURES MIGRAINES/REDUCES STRESS/CURES THE FLU/PREVENTS COLDS/INCREASES HEIGHT OF DWARFS

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Snake Oil
Many people who wear EMF pendants like this one claim to have experienced reduced chances of becoming ill, or even that the pendant is responsible for "curing" a certain sickness. As I have no reason to doubt the veracity of these outrageous and unprovable claims, I will simply quote a few their actual "reviews" below and allow you to decide for yourselves whether the people who wrote them are well-meaning, intelligent people who've been duped by ingenious marketing, or simply really huge idiots.

Miracle 1

Within the first couple of weeks of wearing my q-link I noticed that the headaches that I have suffered from since childhood had disappeared, I also had much more energy and could get bye on much less sleep. In the 2 1/2 years that I wore my q-link I never contracted a cold once and don't suffer from jet lag anymore.

Miracle 2

My wife has only worn hers for 4 days or so and the results are unbelievable. I notice she is much more calm, collected, and focused. She seems to have high levels of energy, getting better sleep, and able to focus on tasks better. I even notice her voice is softer and nicer.

Miracle 3

I have often wondered if the Electromagnetic Fields were causing the migraines. EMF's are such a very real, yet invisable element in life, especially here in the City.
 
I finally got a q-link for myself [and] have been migraine-free for three months now, since I have been wearing the q-link...and additionally, I have somehow stopped having insomnia for the first time in ten years. I sleep like a rock - all night long.
 
[We] are three months into the flu season, too, and neither of us, who wear the q-link, have been sick - usually we catch everything that the season has to offer. (Knock on wood.) I am thankful for the money I spent, and thankful for the people who applied quantum physics to a practical application that is benefiting our lives.
So there you have it. It seems pretty obvious to me that this pendant is the greatest single medical innovation since penicillin.
 
 

Q-LINK IS ENDORSED BY A NUMBER OF BALD EXPERTS*

Some people might tell you that the so-called "technology" behind Q-Link pendants is nothing more than bullshit new age doublespeak deliberately obscured behind an absurd layer of sciencey-sounding marketing gibberish. This is wrong. It's a proven fact that Q-Link pendants work because people have tested them in a bunch of real life experiments and things like that.
 
If you don't believe me, just look at all the bald experts who have clumsily recommended the use of Q-Link on the Clarus Institute's website without receiving any coaching or compensation of any kind.

Jure Robic: 2008 Bald Race Across America Winner

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Jure
"Listen up fatties: I'm Jure Robic, the bulbous-headed winner of the 2008 Race Across America. You probably don't have a fucking clue what the Race Across America is (or if it even exists at all) but to be honest it doesn't really matter. I play sports so I know about medical things. The Q-Link pendant helps my muscles pump faster by allowing a higher concentration of oxygenated molecules and stimulant proteins to reach my cells. What do you mean 'none of that even makes any sense'. You have a lot to learn about the human body my friend. Q-Link, Bitches."


Alex Shabelov: Bald American Chess Grandmaster

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Alex
"Oh. Hello. I did not see you come in. I was simply playing chess by myself on a wooden bench at an uncomfortably odd angle while reading this book and prominently displaying my Q-Link Pendant on the outside of my zip-up t-shirt when the Q-Link representative walked up and snapped this candid photograph of me. But enough chit chat. The Q-Link medallion changed my life. I used to be some punk who did not know what a pawn even was. I thought the castle piece moved diagonal. What a maroon I was. But now thanks to Q-Link magnet necklace, I am the the Chess Master of the game Chess. Eat it science."


Ken Wilber: Bald President, The Integral Institute (AKA ZANDAR THE MAGNIFICENT)

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Ken
"BEHOLD! I AM ZANDAR THE MAGNIFICENT! I SHALL RELAY THE TRUE SECRETS OF THE Q-Link PENDANT TO YOU USING ONLY THE POWER OF MY MIIIIND! LOOK INTO MY EYES MY DEAR. GAZE DEEEEP INTO MY EYES. THAT'S RIGHT...YEEEEEES...VERY GOOD. NOW!

WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS YOU WILL BE WILLING TO PAY $80-160 FOR WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SIX CENT BUTTON MAGNET INSIDE A PLASTIC HOUSING! AND NOT ONLY THAT...BUT YOUR INABILITY TO COMPREHEND EVEN THE MOST BASIC OF SCIENTIFIC THEORIES--ALONG WITH THE PLACEBO EFFECT--WILL CAUSE YOU TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CURED OF A AN UNDIAGNOSED DISEASE, INCURABLE EVERYDAY HUMAN ANNOYANCE, OR NONEXISTENT CONDITION.

YES TRULY THE Q-Link BRACELET IS A MODERN MARVEL OF QUANTUM MECHANICS THAT CRIPPLED SCIENTIST STEVE HAWKLING WOULD BE PROUD OF. AVAILABLE AT ALL SEARS AND ROBUCK STORES NOW TODAY."

 

* It should be noted that I use the term "Bald Expert" to specifically describe experts who are also bald, nothing more. I do not mean to imply that all bald people are experts, or even that all experts are bald. The two may even be mutually exclusive for all I know. So to clarify for any members of the bald community who may be reading this: I respect you all as beautiful bald human beings and wish you only the best in any bald endeavors you may undertake.
 

WARNING: Q-LINK MAY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BECOMING UNSTUCK IN TIME AS OCCURRED IN THE EARLY 90S TELEVISION PROGRAM QUANTUM LEAP

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Quantum Leap
Q-Link is making brave strides into uncharted scientific territory. While there is no question that this endeavor will greatly benefit humanity in the long run (and possibly change everything we think we currently believe about the universe), it should be said that there WILL be casualties along the way.
 
Science is not an exact science. When rogue Creation Scientist Jonas Salk first began administering the Polio vaccine in 1884, it did little to halt the unrelenting march of Poliosis. In fact, it actually caused more cases of Polio than it cured. The liberals in power attempted to stop him with the help of a secret society of violent assassins (The Crimson Cowl), but he wend underground, remained steadfast in his cause, and eventually Poliosis was all but eradicated. The same holds true for EMF technology.
 
Q-Link pendants work by creating a quantum rift field around your body. This field provides protection against the deadly electromagnetic fields (from cellular phone towers, lightbulbs, digital clocks, and the sun) which bombard our fragile bodies on a daily basis.
 
When a Q-Link pendant is utilized, this electromagnetism is normally "bent" off into another dimension (where it dissipates harmlessly), but on extremely rare occasions, a temporal singularity can be created. This singularity has been known to bring about a number of unpleasant effects, not least among which is the tendency for the wearer of the Q-Link pendant to continuously be transported into the body of any number of historically significant figures every 45 minutes.
 

AND SO...

One should always exercise extreme caution when operating the Q-Link pendant. The Q-Link pendant should never be by those who are pregnant, nursing, homosexual, religious in any way, on blood thinners, or by and anyone who possesses kidneys. For more information on how the Q-Link functions, visit your local library or congresswoman.
 
Thank you and goodnight.
 
 
 
MADNESS SCORE 10/10

 





The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...California

California
When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.
 
Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?

Web Detritus (Week of 08.15.10)

Web DetritusA reasonably interesting collection of fascinating links, strange news stories, and other random junk I found on the internet.

This week: Chinese Spike Benches, Public Pool Defecation, Genital-Exposing Short Shorts, Secretly Gay Husbands, Twinkies, Born Again Racists, and Pinpointing The Exact Moment Star Wars Started To Suck.

7 Ridiculous Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

7 Ridiculous Ways To Boost Your Self-Esteem
Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.
 
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.

20 Spectacularly Awful Album Covers

20 Spectacularly Awful Album Covers
Surely somewhere on this planet there must be an album cover which is so outrageous and unintentionally perverse, that if it were viewed, it would cause a tear in the very fabric of what we know as reality, causing the dimension in which we currently reside to fold in upon itself, and everything in the the known universe to simply blink out of existence.
 
Thankfully for humanity, I haven't come across this particular album cover yet. But here are 20 that come pretty close.

Web Detritus (Week of 08.08.10)

Lift CarA decidedly nonessential collection of cool links, weird news stories, and other random things I've exhumed from the rotting corpse of the internet.
 
This week: The World's Largest Male Breasts, Blood Spatter Analysis 101, Semen Attacks, Vestigial Organs, and of course: More Grown Men In Diapers.
 

Amazon Oddity: Control-A-Woman Remote

Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote
Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and psychosis, women can be a real handful!
 
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly Line #124038 have come up with THIS KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the "perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they have chosen to become emotionally attached.

Might As Well Post These Stupid Customer Complaints I Found

Stupid Customer Complaints
One of my favorite things in the world is reading customer complaints on the internet that appear to have been posted by people who cannot read or write. So here are 10 of the best recent complaints I could find on complaintsboard, an unmoderated, racially-charged, libel choked clusterfuck masquerading "consumer advocacy" website.
 
Fair warning: As most of these complaints were posted by idiots, many of them contain sexual content, hilarious racism, or multiple instances of misspelled foul language.

Web Detritus (Week of 08.01.10)

Two Legged LambA haphazard collection of cool links, weird news stories, and other random crap exhumed from the darkest corners of the internet.
 
This week: How It Feels To Die Of A Heroin Overdose, Kids Named Hitler, Undead Infants, Accidental Destruction Of Valuable Property, Traditional Turkish Choking Dances, And One Thousand Ways To Die.

6 Fun Things To Do While You Await The Embrace Of Death

6 Fun Things To Do While You Await The Embrace Of Death
I've never quite understood people who claim to get "bored". If you've got even a little bit of money, there's no end to all the pointless crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their constant struggle to survive coupled with the relatively inexpensive escape provided by to them the abuse of alcohol.
 
But, for those who still claim to "have nothing to do" I will provide this list which may or may not contain six suggestions of highly original and universally pleasurable time-killing activities I may possibly enjoy the idea of participating in from time to time.
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