9 Impractical & Potentially Offensive Ways To Avoid Shaking Hands

9 Devious Ways To Avoid Shaking Hands
Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
 
  1. Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
  2. I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.
 
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
 
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.

Web Detritus (Week of 02.13.11)

Fighting CatsMy weekly collection of links, infographics, videos, articles and plenty of other cool stuff.

This time: Gay Animals, Vomit-Inducing 3D Gifs, Ridiculous Failed Foods, The Past vs The Future, Why I Love Larry David, Smoking Pot For Your Health, Startling New Info On The Band LFO, and The Most Depressing Game In The Universe

20 Absurd Costumes To Fill Your Cold Heart With Joy

20 Random Costumes You Can Buy
A good online writer will use an introductory paragraph like this one to give readers a brief overview of what the attached article is about in an entertaining fashion. This encourages "click throughs" to the main text, and ensures that the article gets as many pageviews (and therefore generates as much advertising revenue) as possible.
 
It should be obvious that the text you are reading right now is an example of an extremely poor introductory paragraph. It is overlong, plainly written (yet not elegantly so), contains little to no useful information, and fails to make even the slightest attempt at capturing the interest of someone who may have stumbled across it accidentally. I suppose I could try to counteract some of this by begging you to continue reading ("Please, please, please, just scroll through and take a look! I've spent oh so much time and effort on this highly entertaining piece, it'd be a shame if you passed it up!"), but this is impossible, as it is not in my nature to lie.
 
If I wanted to I could backtrack, here, at the very last second, by cramming in some kind of half-assed segue linking this intro to the content below, but I think I'd derive far more satisfaction out of abruptly ending this sentence after implying that I was about to do so, so let's find out.*

Web Detritus (Week of 02.07.11)

Demon SagatA compilation of neat links, top-quality articles, infographics, weird videos, and other useful slash cool stuff.
 
This week: Why Weddings Blow, The Perils Of Anonymity, LSD Artwork, Bizarre Illnesses, How To Cheer On Suicide Cases, The Wrath Of 4Chan, A Great Place To Sell Used Books, and Why People With Severe Brain Damage Should Not Write Customer Reviews.

7 Reasons Why Getting Old Is Awesome

7 Reasons Why Getting Old Is Awesome - Grandma Bong Booze
It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
 
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people" traits.

My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious, and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me "just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who knows.
 
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons why it'll be awesome to get old. Take a look.

Web Detritus (Week of 01.30.11)

Turntable BarbieA collection of cool links, strange & useful articles, infographics, videos, and much more.
 
This week: The Government Tells You How To Take Ecstasy, The Modern Mob In New York City, A Depressing trip To Disneyworld, An Infographic Critiquing Infographics, Some Frighteningly Symmetrical Faces, Bad Habits Of RPG Players, The Joys Of Internet Piracy, and Why Owls Are Dumbasses.

20 Costumed Humans Upon Whom I Am Not Passing Judgement

20 Costumed Humans Upon Whom I Am Not Passing Judgement - Triple Threat
Having recently experienced a Spiritual Awakening, I have found it increasingly unnecessary for me to judge other human beings based solely upon their appearance. How many years have I wasted making cruel observations about others? Statements such as "Nice leopard-print Zubaz", "What kind of a jackass wears a fedora?", or even "That young woman should abstain from wearing spandex leggings due to the fact that they cause her large, pendulous buttcheeks to resemble two trash bags full of cottage cheese" had begun to characterize my life.
 
But no longer. Having learned the folly of my ways, I am filled with love for all creatures in the universe, I have realized the folly of my judgmental ways. Now I know that it is enough for a person to simply exist. Whether they be clothed in semen stained jorts, an ill-fitting Dragon Tales costume, or a hat which simply says the F-Word, there is nothing more beautiful than a living, breathing, human being.

So without further ado: Here are twenty photographs of people who happened to be photographed wearing costumes.

Web Detritus (Week of 01.23.11)

HairMy weekly compilation of cool links, infographics, useful articles, and plenty of other strange and wonderful things I found on the internet this week.

In this episode: The Worst Commutes In The World, Death By New Car Smell, Loose Women Causing Natural Disasters, Things You Should Do Before Burning Down Your House,  The Least Evil Banks, and A Fucking Map Charting Swearing On Twitter.

8 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

8 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food - Peek
If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually violated. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.

As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:

A. Starve to death

B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".

I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.

Web Detritus (Week of 01.16.11)

Dog SitA weekly collection of cool links, interesting infographics, awful videos, and plenty of other stuff.

This time around: Why Horoscopes Are Bullshit, Reformed White Supremacists, Gruesome Retro Russian Safety Posters, Terribly Terrible Inventions, The Public Access Battle Hymn Of Sarah Palin, & Some Guy Does Freaky Self-Portraits While On Drugs.

5 (More) Shocking & Obscene Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible

5 (More) Shocking & Obscene Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible - Action Figure
Whether you believe it in or not, there's really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper.
 
And while I've probably already covered "The Worst Of The Worst" (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there are still a couple more--let's call them "tawdry"--passages I'd like to share with people who might not have actually read The Bible (you know, like most Christians?).
 
So here are five more crude and/or offensive Bible stories you may not have heard of.

Web Detritus (Week of 01.09.11)

Armadillo!My weekly collection of awesome links, awesome news stories, awesome photo galleries, awesome videos, and a ton of other awesome stuff which is so awesome you will probably soil yourself due to the awesomeness of it all. Or something.
 
This week: Ugly Women vs Cute Women, Terrifying Sleep Disorders, Something About Mushrooms, How To Flirt Properly, Moronic Supreme Court Judges, and [One Of] The Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever, Live In Mississippi. 

The Alphabet Of Swearing

 The Alphabet Of Swearing - Fcuk
Recently I performed a search on the internet for "The Alphabet Of Swearing" in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing "Yahoo Answers" replies and an article or two from websites even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded.
 
Needless to say, I could not let this stand. A world in which a thoughtful list of curse-words for each letter of the alphabet did not exist somewhere on the internet was not a world in which I wanted to live.

This left me with two choices: I could either commit suicide, or create and publish the alphabet of swearing myself. So I decided to go with the list.

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