Socks & Sandals: Retribution

Sandal

By Jones

Satan. Beelzebub. Steve. The Dark One has many names and many faces, all of which are intended to deceive the common man. If ever it comes to pass that you find yourself locked into a life or death battle with this specter of evil, I can give you but one piece of advice: Step on his foot, for he will surely be wearing stockings on sandaled feet. But what could possibly possess The Devil (or anyone for that matter) to wear socks with sandals? This is one of the many questions I hope to answer in this thirty-six and ten part series Socks & Sandals: Transitive Beguilement and Substantiational Value Judgements!

The Detective

Detective
Chapter 2,223

Detective Trevor Whipple sat at his desk eating a sandwich. Suddenly there came a knock on his office door.

"Who is it?" asked the detective, wiping the blood from his mouth and setting the severed head down gently.

"It's Daniel," said a voice outside the door.

The Detective stood and pulled up his pants, tucking in his shirt.

America: An Inferior Primer

Bigfoot
By Henry
The United States of America. Land of the free. Home of the Brave. House of 1,000 Corpses. A world untouched by time. Some people call it “The Happiest place on earth”. Others refer to it as “Old usa (OO-SAH)”. But what is the real story behind the most powerful nation in the universe? That’s what our crack team of undercover investigators set out to uncover. Did they succeed? Reading this article is the only way to find out! (This is what I call “teasing the story”) Here’s a quick history of U S and A.

Worthless Guide to Comedy - Part 3: Real Life

Funny
By The Baron
There is a difference between thinking you are funny, and knowing you are. For example, a lot of kids in high school thought they were pretty hilarious when they called me Fatchunk or threw a bean burrito at me from across the room during lunch. These people thought they were funny and they weren’t. I on the other hand, KNOW I am funny. Just mention The Baron on any of the message boards I am most popular on, and they will surely type out a hearty “LOL” upon even thinking about my various jinks (high and low). But I’m not here to brag; I’m writing in this third comedy article to educate the internet public about something they do not truly understand: Comedy. So sit back, open a sack of your favorite chips, and get ready to laugh.

Bizarre Video Card Box Roundup

Vidcard
By M. Anger
If you’ve ever purchased a video card there’s a good chance you’ve noticed something about the boxes they come in: They are really, really stupid. Sure, there are a few vendors who go out of their way to try to use a nice-looking (or at least somewhat respectable) image for the front of their box, but the majority of these packages look more like they contain a cheap Korean squirt gun from the dollar store than a 300 dollar computer part. You don’t have to look very hard to find reviews for the cards themselves, but I haven’t seen anybody review the boxes themselves before. I have the feeling this is because people think it would be a complete waste of time, both for the reader and the author. Sounds great to me!

The Baron's Prison Survival Guide

PrisonBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The idea of going to prison is a scary one indeed. If you're like me you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how well you would handle yourself “inside”. You probably think you're pretty hot stuff when it comes to prison self-defense, but what do you really know? Not much.

I, on the other hand, have spent much of my time doing research about prison on the internet and watching prison films and shows (I've seen at least 4 complete films about jail!). So as you can see, I have a lot to offer when it comes to advice on how to survive in “the klink”. So please read on, ladies and gentlemen, for The Baron’s Guide to Prison.

Become a Real Private Investigator For Free (Online Class)

InvestigatorIf you watch daytime television, you've almost certainly seen some of the many advertisements for various technical colleges. Many of these schools claim to be able to educate you in the field of “private investigation”. This is a lie.

Technical colleges have never been accredited in the field of private investigation. Such programs are scams and would surely be outlawed if our elected officials weren't in the pockets of "Big Tech". But all is not lost. Fortunately for you, I'm a fully ordained private investigator, and I also have a teaching degree in this field as well. So I set out to answer the most common questions about being a private eye for FREE (a 700 dollar value).

Worthless Guide to Ghosts

Ghost
If you’ve ever visited a haunted house, you probably think you have a good idea of what ghosts are and what they're capable of. If this is the case, you're in for a rude awakening, because brother: Real-life ghostings have as much in common with carnival ghost houses as a composition book full of beastiality drawings has with a slightly newer composition book of a different color whose pages are not yet defiled with beastiality drawings. Which is to say: Not much.

So prepare to be scared senseless. Yes, even the most skeptical of skeptics will be chilled to the bone by the "scare-raising" scientific facts and scenarios contained herein. Oh, and before we begin, here's a word of advice: To get the full effect of this article, you should probably turn on some spooky-time ghost-time music to play in the background. I recommend using either one of those Halloween sound-effects tapes or the soundtrack to the smash-hit Shaquille O'Neil vehicle Kazaam. And lest you believe that's just some lame "kooky" ironic random pop-culture reference to a garbage movie: It isn't! The truth is that the idea of listening to Shaquille O’ Neil do some genie-based rapping never ceases to give me chills. You know, like...ghosts!

Swoosht! Basketball rim net jam! Game, set, and match. Now let's do this thing. 

How To Choose a Good Online Name

Names

By M. Anger

In the world of online games, nobody knows who you are, so you’re free to create whatever sort of online persona you can possibly imagine. It’s like you’re getting personality test results about each person you meet online. But as usual, when the general public is given complete freedom to do whatever they want creatively they will immediately squander this freedom by creating the same worthless garbage which comprises 98% of all user-generated content. This article addresses that garbage.

An Interview With George Lucas

Streetlamp I had been standing under the buzzing streetlamp in the red light district for only a few minutes when I heard the scrape of approaching footsteps. I turned around to find myself staring into the battered face of George Lucas.

“Hhhhhhhelllo pal…” he spat, showering my face with flecks of blood and spit.

I stumbled backwards a few steps, nearly blacking out from the stench of cheap fortified wine.

Worthless Guide to Women: Part 1

Women 

By Henry
If you are aware of the existence of
women, it is likely that you have a lot of questions about how to interact with them. This is completely understandable. Women are strange and wonderful creatures, and their existence has puzzled men ever since the first female dragged herself from the primordial swamps of southern Louisiana more than 100 years ago.What follows are three sections which contain some answers to the most common questions I receive about women.

World Of Warcraft: An Irrelevant Review

Wow
I had been watching a program on television about a game called World Of Warcraft. "That certainly is interesting." I might have been heard to remark after the show had ended, "I do enjoy programs which describe various items of interest; perhaps I should learn more about this particular item." Unfortunately, I was immediately distracted by a commercial for Superman Crunch cereal and forgot what I had just said. The next day the show aired again, and after watching it a second time I decided to write this article.

Worthless Guide to Comedy - Part 2: Movies

Fims

By The Baron
Howdy folks, have yourselves a sit down and prepare to enjoy Part 2 of The Baron’s Guide to Comedy. In Part 1 I covered the best and worst of TV comedy, and in this portion I am going to reveal the winners and losers of comedy in film. If you were impressed by the amount I know about TV, you’ll be surprised to find that I know even more about movies!

Worthless Guide to Comedy - Part 1: Top 10 TV


Logo
By The Baron
Welcome one and all to part 1 of The Baron’s top 10 of comedy. In this new series of articles I will be revealing the top 10 of comedy in three categories: Television, Movies, and the Internet. Well, technically it will be the 5 BEST in each category, and then the 5 WORST. In this segment I will reveal the top 10 of Television. As the great General Han Solo once said get ready to “Laugh it up, furball!”

A Date With George Lucas

Night It was just around 8 that I saw the headlights. I ran out the front door and down the steps, taking them two at a time. Pulling open the door, I settled into the passenger seat.

“Oh George!” I said, “I’d know those headlights anywhere!”

“Mmmph.” George said.

He sat hunched in the driver’s seat. The car was filled with a strange and heavy smoke.
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