Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 1: Restrooms

By Kevin
Certainly you’ve met others in your life who you would consider to be “rude”. Some murmur loudly while chewing their food, some knock over the elderly in order to get a better spot in line, and then there are those who would reach in to grab a piece of gum out of your mouth before you’ve even finished chewing it. But who can you turn to when you need to find out if something is “impolite”? Miss Manners? If you want to listen to that senile old bag, go right ahead and waste your time. But if you’d rather learn about manners by reading a ridiculous article written by an anonymous author on a no-budget website that absolutely no one reads, please continue.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies

By Henry
Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just learn a thing or two about mummies.

Frosty The Snowman: Epitaph

Frosty SnowmanDecember 02, 1952 A.D. – I am born once again. I do not know the how or the why; I know only that I live. I gaze about with wonder. I could not have imagined the incredible changes which have swept across the face of this world in the many centuries I have slept. Great stone towers belch clouds of black smoke into the skies. Strange boxes of moving light and glass speak and display images. Terrible mechanical beasts roam the streets, roaring and howling. I am filled with awe and fear. What has become of this world I had known? 

Sainted / Tainted 1: Busrides & Watery Graves

Sainted / Tainted
By Kevin
Helping a stranger in need will bring no reward, and thoughtlessness breaks no law. How can one publicly shame those who wrong them while simultaneously commending anonymous do-gooders? By writing to the Sainted/Tainted portion of the local newspaper, that's how! Here are a few selected entries we've compiled from the most prestigious papers around the globe.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1.5: Werewolf Q&A

By The Baron
Werewolves are intriguing creatures, and like most other monsters there is a lot of misinformation floating around about them. Luckily I have been asked to shed some light on the subject in this series of monster Q&As, beginning with werewolves (also see the werewolf guide HERE). They have also asked world renowned "monster expert" Art Crumb to co-author these articles with me. Frankly, I'm a bit offended by this, as I have had personal experiences and actually seen nearly every type of monster before (including werewolves). Some of my close friends even refer to me as "The Beastmaster". Impressive, no?

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 3: Higher Still

Drugs 3
By Henry
Fact: Not all drugs are illegal. Every year Americans spend more than 38 dollars on safe and effective over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin, cough syrup, energy drinks, and cigarettes. These four legal drugs alone provide us humans with relief from some important symptoms (Headaches, coughs, low energy, and not hacking up blood due to cancerous lung polyps). This article covers the effects and histories of legal drugs like caffeine, tobacco, and cocaine (Note: Obviously cocaine isn’t actually legal, but that ruins the intro so just play along). Oh, and if you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I think you should do that now because otherwise you won’t understand what’s going on with the plot.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1: Werewolves

By Henry
Fear. Fear is the one and only thing which separates humans from beasts and inanimate objects. But what does man fear most? You guessed it: Monsters. In this series of articles we’ll travel through the human brain and learn the history of the most popular monsters in the world, hear evidence of their existence, and learn how to defeat them in combat.

Worthless Guide to Antisocialism

By M. Anger
You don't like to be bothered, but someone just won't leave you alone. What can you do in this situation? Sure, you could drug them, drag them back to their apartment, pack a suitcase full of clothes, and then throw the suitcase into the river after burying them in a shallow grave in the forest, leaving a one-way European plane ticket stub on their kitchen counter for police investigators to find, and why not? Well I’ll tell you: There’s an easier way of being left alone, it's called being antisocial, and it doesn’t involve your uncle Lewis clawing fruitlessly at the lid of his makeshift coffin in the Pine Barrens just because he wouldn’t stop yammering on about his daughter.  Read on to learn more about the methods I have devised for reducing social contact to a bare minimum.

Halo 3 Review

By Tommy
I wrote a email to this website about how much I like halo 3. The nice man who run this website asked if I could write a thing for this website about what I thought of it because I had an interesting per-spec-tive (had to look that up) about it. He says he will put it up and put pictures for it too. I said that sounds like a fun plan but I don’t write so good. He said it’s alright tommy just do your best.

Social Aptitude Quiz

This is the Social Aptitude Quiz. Answer these 15 questions to find out how socially crippled you are. I'm not asking, I'm telling.

Top 10 Most Ridiculous Cars

Rich Jerk
By M. Anger
Cars. Everybody has them (except really poor people, children, and many people in cities) and everybody loves them (except me). But there are some cars which I hate more than others: The Hummer H2, Dodge Magnum, Chrysler 300, and Mercedes SLR McLaren. These are cars which bring great shame upon themselves and the people who purchase them. Read on for the top 10 most ridiculous cars of all time.

Editor's note: This article does not include 10 cars, only 4. Also, these cars are most certainly not the most ridiculous cars of all time. They are maybe some of the most ridiculous cars of 2004-2007. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

Oh Great, I Graduated. Now What the F### am I Supposed to Do?

Graduation KidThe path to high school graduation is fraught with dangers. The simple days of “an apple a day”, “join choir to get out of real classes” and “taunt the fat kid until he goes insane” are long gone.

Battles with bands of wild brigands, an attack from a giant squid, and the death of their loving ape companion are only a few of the problems students must to deal with in today’s modern society. I’ve compiled the most common questions about high school graduation in this page. You’ll read it if you know what’s good for you.

George Lucas & The Wedding

We went into the church and walked over to the bar. George stood still for a moment, crossing himself and then began to wring his hands. I shook my head, touching his shoulder.

“Maybe we shouldn’t.” I said, "Anyway it doesn't seem right. How many churches do you know that keep a fully stocked bar? How many, I ask you?"

Anger Advice

M. Anger answers your questions about anything and everything. In today's column: Dead pets, angry mothers, drunks, and debt.

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 2: Ups & Downs

By Henry
Part 1 of this guide, I talked about a bunch of different drugs (Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, and Mushrooms) and gave you advice on whether or not you should take them. In this portion I’ll let you in on the secrets of a few more drugs, and also give you a coupon code you can redeem with your dealer for a free drug (participation may vary). Also, for the first time ever, we’ll ask small children on the street for their opinions on these hard drugs. The answers they give may shock you.
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