Forum Harassment: Mike Tyson's Punchout

Mike Tyson
A conversation I had with some Mike Tyson's Punchout fans on a gamefaqs message board in 2004. Not very funny and not really a prank. Just sort of a boredom-killing experiment. I guess I would call it a mild success.

Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness
I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said “I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

The Sadness Quiz: Despair.

Sadness Test

Ever wonder how sad you are? Well, take this short quiz to find out! Please note that you will not actually find anything out from taking this quiz, and in fact, you will probably end up knowing less than before.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 2: Table Manners

Table Manners
Table manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to ensure good digestion? Perhaps you’ve heard that in 16th century China, chewing with your mouth open was believed to have been poor luck for gamblers. Pretty interesting huh? Well, maybe not quite as interesting as you may have thought, because it turns out that those were all lies. Not even remotely true. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? So anyway, now that I’ve taught you all a valuable lesson about dishonesty in modern society, I present to you this hard-hitting look at table manners around the world. I would also like to point out that it would probably be considered no-holds-barred, and also that it pulls no punches. So look forward to that.

Behold! For I am Otherkin! (Feel My Power)

Otherkin Being Otherkin is a lot like being black in the 50s. What I mean by this is that coming out of the closet as an Otherkin (like coming out as a black person) can be dangerous to your health. I personally have had people shout slurs at me in the park, had a large carton of Whoppers candy thrown at my back, and been denied a position in data entry simply because I am not shy about telling people that my body contains the soul of an ancient dragon named Stryyker.

So since not many people in the world seem to understand what it means to be an Otherkin, I figured I would write this Q&A to straighten you people out. 

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 4: Urban Environments

Riot
When most people think about survival they usually imagine themselves hurling crude spears at boars in the Amazon, or brushing snow from their beard as they slog through waist-high snow wearing a bearskin overcoat. These images come from the most common survival scenarios (Disastrous Jungle Treasure Hunt & Arctic Plane Crash, respectively) but it’s important to remember that in some rare cases you may need to “survive” in urban environments as well. In this guide we’ll discuss some useful urban survival techniques such a tailing a thief, surviving a riot, and gently stroking your zombified uncle’s thinning hair as he sputters and dies of multiple shotgun blasts to the face and eyes.

Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)

Powers
Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you decide which you're going to go for.

Awful Scifi Tech: The 6th Day & Total Recall (Creepy Android Edition)

6th Day
By Kevin
Funnyman Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in two reasonably popular science fiction films, The 6th Day and Total Recall. Aside from taking place in the future and being goofy to the point of near insanity, these films also share another common trait: They both contain supercreepy androids. In The 6th Day it’s SimPal Cindy, a gape-mouthed animatronic mannequin child with beady eyes. In Total Recall it’s JohnnyCab, who looks a bit like an evil ventriloquist dummy version of Don Knotts dressed like a 1920s bus driver. Be warned that this article contains a number of frightening pictures and videos of these creatures, so it should probably not be viewed by small children or pets.

Sainted / Tainted 2: Wheelchairs & Roofjumpers

Sainted

By Kevin
In today's episode of Sainted & Tainted: Wheelchair Accidents, Elderly Roofjumpers, Identity Theft, and much more!

Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Growing OldNobody ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in the road.

Frankly, if people like this would just take the time to learn about the elderly instead of deliberately running down helpless animals in the street, perhaps this world would be a better place. So, for the sake of education: Here is a Q&A in which I answer most (if not all) of the questions you might have about the elderly and growing old.

Awful Sci-fi Tech: Dune

Dune Fatman

Many science fiction films portray the future as a beautiful place where sleek chrome ships glide through skies, cybernetic servants cater to our every whim, and war is but a distant memory. In Dune however, the future is apparently the 70s. Drab, puffy-haired men wander around cheap sets in a druggy haze while mumbling vaguely religious threats, everyone wears unflattering jumpsuits, and seemingly, only three colors of paint exist: brown, green, and burnt orange. But most importantly, Dune takes place in a future where humans have seemingly disregarded all previous technological advancements in favor of a bunch of crappy stuff they found in junkyard somewhere.

George Lucas In The Bathroom

Parking Lot
We pulled into the lot and George swung the car into a handicapped space. I furrowed my brow and peered at the blue sign through the cracked windshield.

“As far as I know,” I said, “You aren’t a handicap.”

“This is justice.” He said, pushing the car door open with his knee. “Why should a cripple get a free ride? Let him put on a stained white work shirt. Let him push despair into the pit of his belly and smile at the customers. I say put down the crutch and pick up a shovel; There’s work to be done.”

Tommy's Resume

Resume Guy

Hi my name is Tommy and I am 36 years old. I am looking for a good job and be paid money so I can buy one playstations three entertainment game system. I am a very good worker and aiming for the star. Also this is called a resume and it has pictures in it too. They said to me tommy a resume doesnt have to have pictures maybe it shouldnt but I think people like pictures and anyhow it looked real boring.

Amazing Actors: Samuel L. Jackson & John Travolta

Amazing Actors
By The Baron
Some people respect doctors, but I think acting is the noblest career a man can have. Can you think of another job where you make people’s lives better and are also respected for it? Of course you can’t. This series is dedicated to the best of the best in the acting field. These are the greatest performers of our generation, they make us laugh and cry and fall in love (with them). Be sure to have a tissue handy too, because some of the movie memories I unearth are real tearjerkers. A real man isn't afraid to cry.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires

Vampire Slide
By Henry
For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.
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