...And Crackling Skies of Contumacious Flame

Smokey Bear
It begins with a match. A spark. Birthed of sulfur it sputters and burns. Bringing the spreading smoke. Down into throats and lungs; burning and clogging and choking and squeezing. Searing rains of black ash fill skies; simmering and grey with death. Somewhere, in the cold dark, a child screams. Flames creep from the corners a room, gliding eagerly up and over the covers of the bed. Flames cradle him; embrace him; destroying all he is and all he might have been.

Snapple Facts: Classic

Phony Snapple
Snapple brand drink is a very popular drink. There are fun facts on the caps of Snapple brand drinks. Here are some of my favorite fun facts from the caps of Snapple brand drinks. If Snapple sees this: Hands off. These are my own ideas. Don't you dare try putting them on your Snapple website or there'll be trouble. I am (probably) not some corporate whore.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 3: More Table Manners

Tabble Manners 2
Alright, I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff about table manners.

Attention: Graduation!

Southern Grad
Southern Stereotype Graduation Itinerary

Where - Captured Injun Memorial Arena
Day - When Schoolins done
When - 5 Hours Afore the Witchin Hour

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 2

Dating 2
I now continue with part 2 of Dating DOs and DON’Ts. Part 1 is HERE, but I don’t imagine you care. This time we'll cover picking up women at weddings and at bars and things of this nature. Have a good time kids.

Sainted / Tainted 3: Psychotropics & Patriots

Sainted Tainted

In this issue of Sainted / Tainted we've only printed letters from war veterans. Theirs are a voice which is often lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Please take some time out of your day to visit a war veteran or something. Nah, I changed my mine. It doesn't really matter.

The Baron's Novel Revealed!

Greetings and saltations friends. This is your friend The Baron here with another update for you. What was this update sparked by you might ask? Well first of all it is my love of the written word. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than knowing my writing is bringing joy to thousands of people on the internet. But mostly this update is sort of a reward for an email I recently received. It isn’t often I get positive feedback (this is the wretched interweb after all) but when I do I like to share the good will with everyone. What follows is the lovely email of to which I was referring to:

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

It seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.

Video: Awful Film Fights

I have an affection for “bad” films and television shows. I suppose I get a sick sort of joy seeing unskilled people trying very earnestly to accomplish something and failing spectacularly at it. But anyway, while watching the uninspired fights in many these movies I often found myself wondering if they couldn't have been made more entertaining with a more dramatic soundtrack. So I decided to find out, and added new music to fights from Silent Rage, Walker: Texas Ranger, Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, American Ninja 3, and Kickboxing Academy. I think the results speak for themselves.

10 Things to do Before You Die: Part 2

Bear Fight
Hello and welcome to part two in our one part series: “Ten Things to do Before you Die”. In PART ONE we let three lovely people give us their list of the top ten things that everyone should do before they die, and wouldn’t you know it? This section features more of the same crap. Have a blast.

James Rimwald

James Rimwald – Bus Driver

  1. Produce and direct an episode of Green Acres

  2. Sabotage an expensive piece of equipment

  3. Litter in a national park

  4. Watch all three Extended Editions of the Lord of the Rings films in a row because you are an idiot

  5. Fail to read even a single word written by Earnest Hemmingway

  6. Bend time and space with your mind

  7. Yawn while viewing one of the 7 Wonders of the World

  8. Clip a motorcyclist with your car

  9. Throw momma from the train

  10. Block a street with a bus during the Running of the Bulls

Mort Sully

Mort Sully – Child Psychologist

  1. Laugh in a police officer’s face

  2. Invent a hot new dance

  3. Roll your eyes while watching a popular film

  4. Leap from a moving vehicle

  5. Go on a long hike and begin to regret it almost immediately

  6. Stop being afraid of brown people

  7. Overturn a table during an important college test

  8. Frighten a small child

  9. Read the entire Bible aloud to a small child

  10. Years later, visit the child in the psychiatric wing of a prison after investigators have finally caught up with them and charged them with all twenty-six gruesome murders

Jamie Price

Jamie Price – Animal Trainer

  1. Set off tear gas in a crowded marketplace

  2. Wrongfully accuse a director Michael Bay of a sexual crime

  3. Have an unwanted child out of wedlock

  4. Open an ill-advised small business

  5. Speak with an Asian ghost

  6. Crack some skulls

  7. Wear a pair of Sketchers shoes until they fall apart (2 months)

  8. Vehemently argue with a cashier over 68 cents

  9. Burst out laughing at a children’s play

  10. Sit astride a mighty gryphon and reign vengeance down upon all who would dare oppose you

I thank you for opening your lives and your hearts to these wonderful individuals and their opinions. I invite all of you to join our continuing roundtable discussion on living life to its fullest by dialing 1-777-654-LIVE. That’s 1-777-654-9999. Blessings.

The 36th Annual Grammy Awards!

Grammy Awards
Live from the beautiful Huston Astrodome: It's the 36th annual Grammy Awards! With your hosts:

Worthless Guide to Playing Guitar

Guitar Kid
Ever since I was a small child I’ve dreamt of being a rock star. One of my fondest childhood memories is dancing in front of our television, rocking out with a broken broom to a Whitesnake music video my father was watching. “Boy,” he said to me, taking a drag from one of his brown paper (and likely PCP laced) Sherman cigarettes, “Getthefug outta the way and stop mincing around like a goddamn fa**ot.” Then he threw a half-empty beer can at my head and I ran off crying. From that moment I knew I was destined for greatness. Sure enough, soon I was swaying back under the white hot lights of the stage, noodling at a cheap guitar and barely able to stand because my blood was almost pure heroin. So now that you’re aware of my own rock credentials, let’s see about helping you get started with your own.

10 Things to do Before You Die

Ride Pig
Who the hell comes up with these “Things to do before you die” lists. Swim with dolphins? Spend New Years Eve in Times Square? Stay out dancing all night? You have got to be kidding me with that crap. I figured I could find better, so I took to the streets and asked six fascinating folks from different walks of life to create their own lists of Ten Things everyone should get done before they kick off. We hope you’ll take some of them into consideration and begin living life to its fullest!

Sherbie Copes

Sherbie Copes – Caricaturist

  1. Carve a shiv out of soap

  2. Heckle the Dalai Lama

  3. Make them pay for what they’ve done

  4. Steal from a homeless person

  5. Fail to ask a woman out because of gnawing fear

  6. Point a rifle at someone you love

  7. Shout at a foreign waiter

  8. Cheat in a marathon

  9. Visit Te Awamutu (Wherever the F*** that is)

  10. Look into a child’s eyes and see the despair of a thousand generations reflected there

Susanna Hardnotch

Susanna Hardnotch - Janitor

  1. Snort cocaine off the hood of a car

  2. Purposely spill hot coffee on your groin and sue

  3. Become frustrated with an illiterate

  4. Buy a guitar and never really attempt to learn to play it

  5. Play a portable video game at a concentration camp

  6. Expose yourself on live national television

  7. Throw something of value into the crater of a volcano

  8. Gleefully cut down a very old tree

  9. Stand next to the speakers at a rock concert

  10. Enjoy being deaf now, you goddamned idiot

Francis James

Francis James - Production Manager

  1. Make a disparaging remark about the Irish, and mean it

  2. Kill and eat an endangered animal

  3. Smear feces across the hood of a brand new Corvette

  4. Feign illness

  5. Get married and before you’re old enough to know what you truly want

  6. Get divorced (Can’t say I didn’t warn you)

  7. Swear deliberately in the presence of a clergyman

  8. Watch the Super Bowl and pretend not to be bored

  9. Heave urine-filled beach balls from a hot air balloon

  10. Take mushrooms and wander wide-eyed through a casino

Wow, wasn't that beautiful? Sometimes it just takes someone outside of your life to really make you say "Huh, I don't care, thanks for wasting my time." Make sure to also keep an eye out for Part 2 of this series, coming sometime to somewhere. Nobody cares.

Alright, here is PART 2.

Life of the Party: Exotic Dancing Service!

Pole Dancer

Say goodbye to dull and uninteresting parties forever, with our ALL NEW Life of the Party Exotic Dancing service! Here’s how it works: Simply call our toll free, easy-to-dial 800 number (1-800-544-1345) and Life of the Party will possibly send one of our kooky and erotic strippers to the venue of your choice, absolutely free of charge! They might show up, but then again, they might not! The mystery is part of the fun with Life of the Party Exotic Dancers! You supply the barbeque, we supply the beef!

How To Shop For a New Car

New CarBuying a new car can be a stressful experience, and people usually have plenty of questions about the process. How does negotiation work? Is the dealership trying to rip me off? Do I need rustproofing? What happens if I plow through a bustling outdoor marketplace on a test drive, killing dozens; isn’t the salesperson responsible?

 I’m sure you’re sitting there smugly mouthing the answers to these without even thinking about it, but you’d be surprised at how many of us can’t do that. Not everyone can be as great as you, you know. Jeez.
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