Some Kid Talks About Monkey Butlers

Painting

OK, so you take a bunch of monkeys and you train them to be butlers for people. It’s pretty simple. The monkeys can do anything you want them to. They can bring you food, serve you a delicious frothy mug of ale, and even clean the kitchen if you want them to. Yes, they could even be your chauffer. All you would have to do is clap your hands twice and say: “ho, ho, ho, monkey, take me to white castle!” and the monkey would tip his cap to you and drive you there.

Sainted / Tainted 5: Stolen Icecream & The YMCA

Sainted

More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!

Worthless Guide to Pogs

Pogpile

A certain time in recent American history: Tommy jukes down a dim elementary school hallway wearing in a green Starter Jacket, the sullen bass intro of Ice Ice Baby burbling from a boombox on his shoulder. He passes a boy in a faded Voltron T-Shirt. The boy mutters under his breath and probes compulsively at the rubber basketball pump on the tongue of his scuffed white shoe.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 5: Islands

Island

Being stranded on a desert island is no laughing matter, for death is always close at hand. The possibility for escape is almost nonexistent. The ocean is filled with ravenous sharks. If you stay in the sun your virgin flesh will be charred so severely that it will simply slide from your flank like a tender cut of veal. If you attempt to take refuge in the foliage you will instantly be set upon by millions disease-ridden insects and hissing reptiles will drop down on you from the trees. But it isn't all bad. Wait, actually it is. Better just keep reading.

Worthless Guide to Anime (Redux) - Part 1

Roof

“What is anime!?” Someone screams from a nearby rooftop, catching my attention as I pass by on the street. The wind whisks the words away before they reach my ears, forcing me to guess at his question. “7:36!” I shout back. Flustered, the man cups his hands to his mouth and tries again, “WHAT! IS! ANIME!” Unfortunately I do not hear this, as I have wandered into a nearby deli in order that I might purchase some pastrami.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 4: Japanese Culture

Japan
Japan! They don’t call it The City of Angels for nothing. Many people live there, and a number events have been known to take place within its borders. But this article isn’t about any of that. It’s just that I’ve gotten a number of imaginary requests for a complete list of thirty-one (31) things which are considered shameful and impolite in Japan.

Review: Things I Have Punched

Punched

I think I have a real rage problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own consumerism or something, who knows.

Sainted / Tainted 4: Cellphones & Obesity

Sainted

It doesn't take much to make a stranger's life better. It also doesn't take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?

Worthless Guide to Housing: Apartments

Apartment

It’s difficult to describe what makes a place feel like “home”. Is it the fetid air that wafts in when you open a window? The charming view of the local gang corner? Or perhaps it’s the way milky water bubbles back up from the drain each time you use the sink because of that mysterious clog you never quite cleaned out. Whatever it is that makes a home your own, eventually you’re probably going to have to move. You might wish to try a different style of home, but which is best? An apartment? Condominium? Townhouse? Trailer? Single family home? It’s madness I tell you, MAADNESSS!

Eyepod Plus Plus

Eyepod

Let me just preface this by saying that I hereby refuse to use the proper “brand” spelling or capitalization when writing i-POd. I’m deliberately going to punctuate it differently every time I use it too, just to spite the OCD advertising executives over at a**le (Yeah, real big victory right? Maybe six people will see this).

Random Object Reviews: Part Two

Random Stuff

From time to time I find certain items lying around the house. That’s it. I just find different things sometimes; I have nothing else to say. But hmm… I guess I’ll need more than that to fill an entire article huh?

Snapple Facts: Madness

Facts Madness
Now here are some more snapple facts. These particular items come courtesy of the patients at Bethlem Royal Hospital's mental ward. They've worked very hard to bring you these, so I hope you have a grand old time! Thanks and be sure to have your pets spayed and neutered.

Worthless Guide to Security Guards

Security
Many hurtful things have been said about security guards over the years: They’re nothing but uneducated whiteboys on a power trip! They’re lazy bigots who couldn’t cut it as cops! All they do is sit at a desk all day popping pills and fondling themselves gently while frowning at a dog-eared and slightly moist copy of Maxim! Certainly these are some pretty outrageous claims to make, but I have to say that in my years working security I found them to be surprisingly accurate. But let’s try and see if we can’t reveal the true nature of security guards.

Snapple Facts: Kids

Kids facts
Did you know that Snapple now has a line of fruit drinks for children? Instead of having "fun facts" under the caps, they feature a number of child safety tips. Here are some suggestions I have for extra tips that might help a kid out. Once again, Snapple had better not try to steal these from me.

Part 1 - Classic Facts
Part 2 - Kids Facts

Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime

Crime
Have you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman over the head for kicks. It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of you considering a life if crime.
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