The Life & Time Of Distinguished Historian William H. MacMillan

Jacket
Each morning at 5:30 sharp, distinguished historian William H. MacMillan would leap from his third-level bunk bed, flip on the lights, and, jutting out his jaw, begin to beat upon his chest with his fists, declaring himself to be high king of the jungle. His fourteen sisters would grumble and groan, thrashing about in their beds and pulling the quilts over their faces, pleading with him to let them sleep.
 
On this particular morning however, he had other plans.
 
"Sqwawk, sqwawk!" he cried, pecking at the air, "Lazy bones make for lazy days! Sqwawk, sqwawk!"
 
"Uuunnnhhhhhhhhh..." said his sisters.

How To Write a Proper Thank-You Note

Suicide Note
Thank-You notes are, without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first thing you should realize is that calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature, and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them. But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.