Sainted / Tainted 7: Children & Drunks

Crazy Kid Children are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So on a barely-related note, today’s Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child's perspective. Read it if you want to, but I'm not going to try and force it on you.

Advice Column: Cars Cars (Cars)

Cars fixedFrom time to time I like to use this website to help people out. What can I say, I'm a charitable person. Some people even call me "The Giver", believe it or not. One of the services I provide is this advice column. Unfortunately, hardly anyone reads this website, so I don’t get many emails.

It also probably doesn’t help that I never actually told anyone about this column, how it works, or how to participate. But no matter, I found a bunch of automotive questions on various internet forums and I’ll just answer those here instead.

Pickup Lines: Worst of The Worst (Part 1)

PickupDo pickup lines really work? This is a question I ask myself each morning as I rise for a day of toil in the fields. The only real way to gauge whether or not a pickup line “works” is to actually speak it, preferably to a human being of the opposite sex who is also not in your extended family.

I realize that some of you may think it's a good idea to try pickup lines out on elderly uncles, emotionally damaged children, or a small painted box turtle. I can tell you from experience that these are not things you want to do, for various legal and ethical reasons. But I know you probably won't listen to me, so go ahead. After you’ve gotten out of prison, come back and continue reading for a roundup of the best (worst) pickup line articles I could find.

The Baron's Film Korner: Batman

BatmanBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Howdy folks, your old friend the Barron here again with episode 2 of The Baron's Film Korner. I would like this to be a regular feature, but I’m not quite sure if the dumbat who runs this site will allow it.

 I feel it would help pull this site up by its pathetic bootstraps. Judging from the quality of other articles I’ve seen around here, they need all the help they can get. Anyhoo, in this article I’ll discuss the newest batman films Batman Begins, and Batman Begins 2.

Worthless Guide to Life: Babies

Infant Baby ThingThere’s no denying it: Life can be tough. But never fear, I’m here to help with this guide. Since you’re reading a "Guide to Life" from the beginning, I’m going to assume you haven’t really lived yet. Are you a baby? If you are, I guess someone must be reading this to you. That’s pointless. Babies don’t even know what is going on, stop reading this to them. YYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH! If you read that part, the baby probably started to cry just now. Serves you right.
 
But yeah, I think all you babies out there would be pleased if you really could understand this article. I think you would discover that your future life is going to be a beautiful adventure. Haha, just kidding. I bet it’s actually gonna be pretty bad. Man, you babies will believe anything.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 7: SurvivalChat

Chat Room Welcome to a special OSTENSIBLY INTERACTIVE edition of Worthless Guides. After writing a number of informational guides about survival in various environments (which can be fond HERE), I decided to try a different way of helping those in need.

So I set up a public chatroom calling it SurvivalChat, and advertised that anyone who had survival questions was welcome to join the channel and chat with me. What follows is a transcript of the first session. (Also, to spice things up, I have placed a number of random images with colorful borders throughout the article.)

Advice Column: Computer Trouble

Burnt ComputerI like to think of myself as a computer expert. Once, when I was helping my friend install a new CD-ROM drive I didn’t feel like waiting for it to reboot. I decided to install it while the computer was still running. I took out the old drive and slid the new one in.

Then I tried to connect the power cable, but I guess I inserted it at a bad angle, because there were sparks, the lights in the apartment dimmed, and the computer immediately shut down. Everything was fried and I had to get him all new parts. So yeah, I think I’m more than qualified to answer technical questions about computers.

Some Kid Answers Your Questions About Monkey Butlers

Monkey Butler By Bobby Age 12
This is a Q&A which is meant to answer all the questions a laymen might have about monkey butlers. I think it's pretty self explanatory from here.

And if you didn't read the main Monkey Butler article: You Had Better Check It Out.

The Baron's Film Korner: Hulks

HulkmaniaBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Greetings viewers, it’s your old pal The Baron here again with another great article! I apologize for not writing sooner, but my social life tends to get in the way. I’ve had to attend to the needs of my large and lovely girlfriend Tina lately, as she’s been down in the dumps ever since our dog Frenchie became pinned under the sink (don’t ask).  

Dead pugs aside; my life has been pretty sweet and sassy lately, partially due to the large number of superhero movies which have recently graced our theaters. So this  will cover the two Hulk films (the new one, and the old classic). I plan on making this a series so consider yourselves lucky.

Drug Diary 3: Mushrooms

Electronic DiaryOnce again, here it is: I got a friend of mine to agree to participate in a private and almost certainly fictional study. Once and a while he would ingest an illegal substance, attempt to spend a normal day at work, and record what happened. Then he would send the results to me.

Unfortunately, after this experiment with Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) he was found drowned in a small pond in a field. Here the results, which I recovered from his diary by breaking into his house and stealing it.

Sainted / Tainted 6: Roadrage & Fireworks

SaintedYeah yeah, I heard it all before. I don't think anybody wants to see another one of these articles. But I can't help it, I get tons of mail from people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.

What do you mean "you thought these articles were fake"? Frankly I'm offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 6: The Cold

ColdI know a lot about surviving in the cold, alright? I live somewhere called the Midwestern United States, ever you heard of it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's how the seasons work here (and why I know so much about the cold):

Winter (11 Months): It's true.  

Spring (15 Days) Temperatures rise to sightly above freezing. Snow turns to cold rain.

Advice Column: Relationship Trouble

Relationship I feel I have a lot of good advice to give, but usually nobody wants to hear it. Oftentimes I find myself reading newspaper advice columns and angrily shouting out the answers to the questions people have asked.

Usually the other patients get scared when I do this. Then the lady in the white dress says it's time for me to take my blue and white pills. Then I don't feel anything for a while and I watch some shows on the TV. In celebration of this, I will now answer a number of random relationship questions which were not posed to me in the first place.

Worthless Guide To Anime - Part 2

Song Broads
<Continued from Part 1

The first thing most people notice about anime shows are the ridiculous names they've been given. Talk about a turn-off. I mean, who in the world is going to go see something called Ah, My Goddess in the listings and flip over to check it out? A bored seven-year-old girl maybe, and even then, it's a stretch.

Drug Diary 2: Heroin

So yeah, as I explained in the first article of this series, I got a friend of mine to agree to undertake a private and possibly fictional study. Every few days he would ingest a single illegal substance, head to work, and record what happened. Here the results of his experiment with Heroin which I recovered from his diary after he had died from a massive heroin overdose.
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