Weird News & Links (Week of 12.20.09)

Weird News of the Week

Hello, and welcome to a very special "Back in The Old Days" edition of
Weird News & Links. This week, I've decided to feature only stories
and products which will bring back fond memories of times gone by. For
example, how many of you remember watching the mildly popular late 80s
television series Mr. Belvedere? None of you? Great! Then you'll be
loving this halfhearted faux-homage I've thrown together of things
people used talk about that nobody cares about anymore!
 
Let's take it to the streets!

5 Phrases Nerds Should Really Stop Using

Do nerds still exist? I would propose that they do, in a sense. They’ve [d]evolved from their gentle pocket-protector-wearing, dungeons-and-dragons-playing origins into something far more sinister. The internet has given them a voice. A place from which they can rail against The World Which Has Abandoned Them without fear of reprisal. The nerd is the Troll and the Twitter Threatener. He is the social cripple and the sniveling masturbator. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by his significantly less deranged peers, he has sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective.

Here, he is given the opportunity to climb a different sort of social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by His Ability To Act And Think And Speak In Exactly The Same Way As The Insular Group Of Blubbering And Perpetually-Indignant Manchildren He Has Chosen As His Peers.

It wasn’t always so. Oh, wait, it actually has been. These jerks have always been around. They’re just angrier and more visible now. Well, no matter. Below you will find a few common embarrassing nerdly phrases that nerdy old nerd nerds used to use (and occasionally still use) on the internet.

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Weird News & Links XXXL (12.13.09)

Japan

Welcome to this special XXXL edition of Weird News & Links. Because
there were no updates throughout the last few days I've made sure to
include 50% more content in this week's edition!* That's quite a value,
and it all comes to you absolutely free of charge because of a generous
eighteen cent donation made to this very site by our newest sponsor:
Alpo brand dog slurry. Yes, Alpo. Alpo utilizes only the finest in
horse meat for use in it's patented slurries, and with their all-new
Perfect Strain Technology your canine companion will consume 32.6% less
bone and gristle in each serving! Look for it in your grocer's freezer.
Alpo: Makes Happy Dogs Happy.
 
*Statement may be untrue
 

How to Craft the Perfect Resume

Warrior

Howdy ya'll, this is your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley
here again to spurt some more knowlege into your mouths and onto the
front of your shirts. How many times has this happened to you: You
apply for a job, but the boss gives it to someone else! Sure is rotten
isn't it?! Well never fear, The Baron's here to tell you that the
reason you missed out on that golden opportunity isn't because your a
loser, it's because you're resume is one!

All aboard the learning train folks! There are three important
properties every resume should have: Heart, Hope, & Be Passionate.
Heart means make 'em cry. Hope means give em' the hope that you're the
best man (or gal) for the job! And C. Above all Be Passionate!
Passion is the sloppy goop that makes the world go round, so let em'
have it! On the day of your interview, walk straight in the door, hand
over your resume, and slather your interviewer with a sloppy dose of
passion all over their face and in their mouth. They won't know what
hit em'!

But for more detailed tips, read on to check out yours truly's very own
resume. You'll have that job in no time!

The Life & Time Of Distinguished Historian William H. MacMillan

Jacket

Each morning at 5:30 sharp, distinguished historian William H.
MacMillan would leap from his third-level bunk bed, flip on the lights,
and, jutting out his jaw, begin to beat upon his chest with his fists,
declaring himself to be high king of the jungle. His fourteen sisters
would grumble and groan, thrashing about in their beds and pulling the
quilts over their faces, pleading with him to let them sleep.
 
On this particular morning however, he had other plans.
 
"Sqwawk, sqwawk!" he cried, pecking at the air, "Lazy bones make for
lazy days! Sqwawk, sqwawk!"
 
"Uuunnnhhhhhhhhh..." said his sisters.