Man Things I Cannot Do: Pipe Repair

HammerI often have trouble with basic motor skills. For example: I am completely unable to perform even the simplest of household repair tasks without nearly destroying (or at least unintentionally vandalizing) the thing which I am attempting to “fix”.

I blame most of this on my brain: “You have already spent more than three minutes performing this boring task,” it seems to say to me, “Rush and get it done in a haphazard fashion so we can go watch COPS.” Of course I always listen, because my brain always seems so smart (and also I really like COPS). But I suppose the bottom line is this: Keep reading if you want to see how pathetic I am.

Animal Awards: Apes

ApesWhat’s so great about apes anyway? In my opinion, not much. One a scale of one to ten, I would probably rate my interest in apes at about a four. I’ve seen apes around town, but I haven’t really paid any special attention to them.

Which is to say: I don’t actively dislike apes, but frankly I’m not a huge fan of them either. So it is with a mild disinterest that I announce that I have inexplicably decided to give out achievement awards to many different styles of animal, beginning with the apes.

Cheesy Catalog Review: Signals!

SignalsIt’s strange to me that mail-order catalogs even exist anymore. Who exactly is still buying crap from these things? It can only be that there are far more reasonably well-off childless women in their early-to-late 40s who are somehow still unaware of the internet than I had originally thought. But even so…the overpriced junk they sell in the Signals catalog is so useless it makes Hammacher Schlemmer seem like an auto parts catalog.

So let’s have a look at some of their best products.

Menacing Phone Calls I Have Received: Veterans

Old Lady Call Sometimes threatening phone calls aren't overtly threatening. Sometimes you might even recieve a threatening phone call which actually seems earnest, as if the person bullying you if only trying to do the right thing, and doesn't even realize how much they're annoying you.

Like, say...oohh...constant phone calls from a charity asking for donations. They're a charity, so you can't exactly scream at them over the phone to stop calling you. Well I suppose you could but I don't have the guts for that. For more details on this case, continue reading.

Advice Column: Tommy's Advice

TeensBy Tommy Perkins
The man on this web place said I should make my own colum and then answer question from people about what to do. He says it is called advice column (asked how to spell it) and all I have to do is read the questions and answer them how I think. I asked doctor Jonson at group about this and he said yes tommy that would probably be good for you. I hope it isnt too hard to do though. Sometimes writing lots can be tough turkey.

This time they said I will get some questions from teen-ages. OK that sounds fine to me I guess. I don’t know much about that anymore because I am more than thirty years but alright Ill give it my best.

The Baron's Film Korner: Spider-Man

Spider KidBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
If I had to choose a single superhero movie series to bring with me to a desert island, I would most definitely (or as they say in the streets “most deaf”) choose the Spider-Man Thrillogy.

These movies have everything a boy (or possibly a lesbian) could want. Action, love, mystery, and spider webs. I was going to dress in my childhood spiderman costume to write this, but it had one of those sharp plastic masks and it cut my face so I threw it out. Prepare to be whisked away into the web of fun weavened by Spiderman.

Review: Some Gloves I Once Bought

GlovesThere are plenty of gloves which have become famous thoughout history. OJ Simpson's gloves for example, are famous for being soaked with the blood of innocents, and also for not fitting their alleged owner's hands properly.

Hmm...actually that's the only pair of famous gloves I can think of. Guess I should've thought this intro through better. Oh well, no going back now. Here's a review of some gloves I found at a store.

Sainted / Tainted 8: Whites & Death

SaintoThere comes a time in every young boy’s life when he’s got to go out and make his own way in the big wide world. At that time, he will be a man. Nobody can truly say what sort of a man he will be.

The old saying goes something like “Show me a boy when he turns thirteen, and I will show you the man he will be.” What garbage. Anyway, todays Sainted/Tainted features Barbies, Pickpockets, Male Chickens, and old women. Oh I'm sure it'll be just fascinating for you.

Menacing Phone Calls I Have Received: Comcast

Phone CallSure, making harassing phone calls can be fun (just ask anyone who's worked in telemarketing), but what about receiving them? If you're not sure, why don't you take some time to find out? Do what I do: Rack up thousands of dollars in debt on multiple credit cards, and then just let it sit there.

Don't pay a dime. Then, if anyone from the company calls with a friendly reminder, just screech into the phone, bang it on the desk a few times, and hang it up. Soon the collection agencies will begin to call, and you'll be well on your way to vaguely threatening phone call heaven.

Worthless Guide to Housing: Part 2 - Houses

Crooked HouseI suppose owning your own home could be considered an integral part of The American Dream. Well, not of my own personal American Dream, but of the Vague & Nonspecific American Dream most people imagine. I honestly don’t think I can define it, but the one thing I’m sure of is that it doesn’t have much to do with reality.

For example, if life followed the tenets of TAD, the “affordable” townhome I recently purchased wouldn’t have had a busted hot water heater, urine-soaked burnt orange carpet, an ancient & barely-functional air conditioner, drafty windows, and weird sloping/rolling cement floors in the basement which may or may not have been hastily constructed to conceal a temple of ancient evil. But whatever, here’s some junk about buying houses.

The YouTube Sewer

Sewer SurfinI have discovered some strange and beautiful things on youtube. This article showcases my favorites. Of course I realize everyone is probably already sort of burned out from receiving thousands of random "funny" video links per day, but I have to say I'm fairly confident in the quality of my list.

So now, in (belated) celebration of Wright Brothers Day , I pass this video knowledge on to you. May it find you in the best of health. Or not. Whatever.

Advice Column: Raising Kids

Kids Cage I really like kids. Well, I like the older ones that can do things, but I’m not too hot on babies. I mean, what good are they? They can’t talk, they can’t walk, and they can’t play the piano. They can’t perform any tricks at all.

What, are you going to try to tell me that grasping someone’s finger is a trick? What a joke. No, they don’t do anything; they just sit there looking at you those dumb creepy cow eyes in their crumpled little faces. Now I will answer some questions about how to raise children.

The Baron's Film Korner: Iron Man

Iron ManBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
“Holla, me gusto La Baron, pero yo quiero los videojuegos!” For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, what I just said was “Hello, my name is The Baron and I love movies!” It’s a fun little exersize in ethnic languages, and it doesn't hurt that it's true too. Me and my big & beautiful girlfriend Tina live for films. Who ever said large girls don't know how to have fun? Certainly not me.

Today I’m going to be reviewing two very different (but very similar) superhero films. The first is The Iron Man starring Robert Downing Junior, and the second is the George Clooney vehicle Michael Clayton.

Worthless Guide To Survival - Part 8: The Ocean

Sea CalmNow you’ve done it. You’ve caused us to be stranded at sea in a lifeboat. I’m not sure how you let this happen, but I guess there isn’t anything to be done about it now. I suppose we just try to stay alive until we're rescued.

Hmm ... sooo what's been happening with you guys lately? Anything interesting? No? Yeah same here ... Hmm, what's this under my seat? Hey check it out guys, a first aid kit. Let's see what we've got: Aspirin...ibuprofen...triple antibiotic...bandages...hey what the hell are these, cough drops? What's the point of that? Yeeck, menthol too. Nasty. Hey get a load of this: tweezers. That's pretty cool.

This Article Is Just A Picture Of A Shoe

It's just what the title says.

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