How To Burglar-Proof Your Home

 Home Security
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronHow would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly! I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal. Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he was only trying to survive.
 
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips I have for securing your home against invaders.
 
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)

Weird News & Links (Week of 12.20.09)

Weird News of the Week
Hello, and welcome to a very special "Back in The Old Days" edition of Weird News & Links. This week, I've decided to feature only stories and products which will bring back fond memories of times gone by. For example, how many of you remember watching the mildly popular late 80s television series Mr. Belvedere? None of you? Great! Then you'll be loving this halfhearted faux-homage I've thrown together of things people used talk about that nobody cares about anymore!
 
Let's take it to the streets!

5 Phrases Nerds Should Really Stop Using

Nerds Stop Saying
Note: This article was originally written in the 2000s. As such, much of the information and commentary contained within is now hopelessly outdated and even more toothless than it was originally. I have rewritten the intro to reflect this fact.

Do nerds still exist? I would propose that they do, in a sense. They’ve [d]evolved from their gentle pocket-protector-wearing, dungeons-and-dragons-playing origins into something far more sinister. The internet has given them a voice. A place from which they can rail against The World Which Has Abandoned Them without fear of reprisal. The nerd is the Troll and the Twitter Threatener. He is the social cripple and the sniveling masturbator. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by his significantly less deranged peers, he has sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective.

Here, he is given the opportunity to climb a different sort of social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by His Ability To Act And Think And Speak In Exactly The Same Way As The Insular Group Of Blubbering And Perpetually-Indignant Manchildren He Has Chosen As His Peers.

It wasn’t always so. Oh, wait, it actually has been. These jerks have always been around. They’re just angrier and more visible now. Well, no matter. Below you will find a few common embarrassing nerdly phrases that nerdy old nerd nerds used to use (and occasionally still use) on the internet.

Weird News & Links XXXL (12.13.09)

Japan
Welcome to this special XXXL edition of Weird News & Links. Because there were no updates throughout the last few days I've made sure to include 50% more content in this week's edition!* That's quite a value, and it all comes to you absolutely free of charge because of a generous eighteen cent donation made to this very site by our newest sponsor: Alpo brand dog slurry. Yes, Alpo. Alpo utilizes only the finest in horse meat for use in it's patented slurries, and with their all-new Perfect Strain Technology your canine companion will consume 32.6% less bone and gristle in each serving! Look for it in your grocer's freezer. Alpo: Makes Happy Dogs Happy.
 
*Statement may be untrue
 

How to Craft the Perfect Resume

Warrior
Howdy ya'll, this is your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley here again to spurt some more knowlege into your mouths and onto the front of your shirts. How many times has this happened to you: You apply for a job, but the boss gives it to someone else! Sure is rotten isn't it?! Well never fear, The Baron's here to tell you that the reason you missed out on that golden opportunity isn't because your a loser, it's because you're resume is one!

All aboard the learning train folks! There are three important properties every resume should have: Heart, Hope, & Be Passionate. Heart means make 'em cry. Hope means give em' the hope that you're the best man (or gal) for the job! And C. Above all Be Passionate! Passion is the sloppy goop that makes the world go round, so let em' have it! On the day of your interview, walk straight in the door, hand over your resume, and slather your interviewer with a sloppy dose of passion all over their face and in their mouth. They won't know what hit em'!

But for more detailed tips, read on to check out yours truly's very own resume. You'll have that job in no time!