HAKQED!

Uh, I guess someone went ahead and hacked this site a little while ago. Honestly I don't understand it. Who the hell is going out of their way to deface a piece of crap site like this?

You replaced the entire site with some text that said "Hacked by someone (sorry, forgot the name you used)". Frankly, this was probably an improvement.

Cheesy Catalog Review: Home Trends

TrendsI recently picked up this catalog at my grandma’s house. I’m not exactly sure what the theme of it is supposed to be. The cover claims that the publishers are “The Home Cleaning Experts”, so I thought it might be selling cleaning supplies, but then I looked inside and I couldn’t really find any cleaning stuff. So I can only assume that this catalog is built upon a foundation of lies and deception.

This is good news for me, because it probably means they have some crazy useless stuff for old people in here. I love it.

Gun Safety: I Invite You To Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Kid GunHow much do you know about guns? Probably a lot, right? I wouldn't be surprised if that was your answer, even if it isn't true. There's no shame in it, but it's important to know one's limitations. Especially when it comes to guns.

In many respects, using a gun is similar to having sex: You may THINK you know everything there is to know about it, but until you've experienced the physical sensations of each (inflamed passions, pounding pulse, lots of screaming, maybe some blood, and in the end you're huddled in a corner with your head in your hands repeatedly sobbing "Oh god...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." until finally the police arrive and kick down the door), you can't truly claim to be any kind of expert.
In any case, all I'm trying to say is: You can always stand to learn something new about any subject. So let's talk guns.

Animal Awards: Pigs

Pig FattyAlright, let’s be completely honest here: This is no longer a series dedicated to recognizing the achievements of animals. This is not by design; it’s just the way it happened to play out. See, animals (even fictional ones) almost never do anything worthwhile.

What’s the point of commending the best of the worst? There isn’t one. So from now on, I’m using this space as a platform for rants against lazy animals I hate. And few animals are as worthless as the pig, so I’d better get started on them.

Sainted/Tainted: Heart Attacks & Ren Fest

SaintedWhat would the world be like if we only did good things for others? Would it be a better place to live? These are the questions I often ask myself as I callously brush past a homeless person on the street or gleefully cut someone off in heavy traffic. I never seem to get an answer though. It must be that I don’t care. Anyway, being kind to others seems like it would be a lot of work.

Today’s Sainted/Tainted features annoying ringtones, poorly-made cookies, heart attacks, and the Renaissance Festival.  

The Baron's Guide to Slang

Gang SignBy Martin "The Baron" Russmier
Recently I paid a visit to my local electronics store. After browsing for a short time, I approached one of the employees, a young urban youth (he was white in case you’re planning to call me a racialist) to ask if they carried the boxed set of the original Batman cartoon series. The ignorant young'n took a moment to think, and then replied in the only way I assume he had learned “on the streets”: By babbling some incomprehensible nonsense. I had no clue what he was trying to tell me, so I never got my DVD.

I assume many of the more educated among you have this same problem as well when trying to communicate with these street people, so with this in mind, I’ve done some research and come up with this guide to urban slang for those who require it.

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Bigfoot

BigfootIt’s surprising how many people actually believe in Bigfoot. They believe that he exists, they believe actual recordings have been made of him, and many of them claim to have seen him snowboarding in the mountains or something.

And while the vast majority of these claims are likely just the insane ramblings of pie-eyed Catskill degenerates, I’m still going to write this article about Bigfoot. It isn’t often that the ideas of hill-folk are taken seriously, so I figured I might as well give them a shot. So now: Bigfoot.

Animal Awards 3: Mice

MouseThe history books are filled with famous mice and rats. Well maybe not the REAL history books. The television and film history books probably are though. But here’s an interesting question for you: Does the fact that these famous rodents are fictional make them any less important in our modern society? I would assume the answer to this is yes, but then again you can never be sure of anything in this crazy world of ours.

I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway though, since I’m going to hand out awards to them anyway. That’s right. I don’t play by society’s rules.

Sainted/Tainted: Speeders & Harry Potter

SaintedOftentimes I laugh aloud as I read the Sainted/Tainted portion of the newspaper. I think this is because I am a bad person. I enjoy seeing ordinary people’s petty annoyances and meaningless good deeds splayed across the page as if they are somehow important. I laugh because they are not. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. And then I cry for a while. I usually don't stop crying until I fall asleep. I have a hard life.

So let us scream together while reading the following stories: Man Hit By Car, Reckless Drivers Speed Through Neighborhood, Rude Theatergoers, and more! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

The Baron's Guide to Bullying: 2

DefenseBy Martin “The Baron” Russmier
A bully can hurt others in many ways. They can damage someone emotionally (with harsh words or deeds), but they can also damage them physically. I’ve had my share of run-ins with bullies. I’m ashamed to admit that in my lifetime I’ve been “beaten up” more times than I can remember. But then, on my 30th birthday, I made a pact with myself: I decided I wasn’t going to be pushed around anymore. So, I decided to learn self-defense, and created a training regimen for myself.

Now its six years later and I’m ready to fight! I am proficient in almost every form of martial art you can imagine. I know Karate, I know Kendow, and yes, I even know Tai-Bo. Yeah, laugh if you want, but you won’t be laughing long when I break out my patented Tai-Bo “Fury of Blows”. Now here’s how to put a bully in his place.  

Animal Awards 2: Bears

Teddy RuxpinWithin the animal kingdom I have to assume bears are seen as somewhat of a success story (at least when it comes to show business). I bet you can’t even think of a single television program, business, or radio show which doesn’t prominently feature a bear in some way. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.

OK. You back? Did you actually try it? If you did, I’m sure you were probably able to think of about a hundred things which don’t involve bears at all. I guess you called my bluff, and I hope you’re satisfied. But in any case, here are my awards for Worst Famous Bears Ever.

Random Object Reviews: Part 3

CheckoutThe other day, I thought I’d write some more reviews of random items. “I think I’ll write some more reviews of random items.” I said. The cashier quickly scanned a can of peaches, and looked up at me fearfully. “Eyes down!” I hissed raising a clenched fist. The woman flinched and continued scanning. “That’s better.” I said, casually unwrapping a package of gum I had not paid for. “But truly my dear,” I said, “All this shopping business has got me thinking,” I popped a piece of gum into my mouth, “thinking that I’ll write some reviews of random items when I get home.”

And so, here they are.

Advice Column: Tommy's Paranormal Advice

Scary
By Tommy Perkins

Hello everyone I am here again to answer more advise about things people want to know. Today the people at this web page said I will get questions about super natural things they said. I said, what does that mean!? They said, now tommy its like aliens and werewolfs and things like this. It sounds pretty scary. I hope I dont get too scared tonight when writing it.

It is dark out now.

The Baron's Guide to Bullying: Part 1

BullyingBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Believe it or not, I was actually subjected to a good deal of bullying in my grammar school days. I suppose the other kids were jealous of my superior brain-power, and they bullied me in an attempt to cut me down to their intellectual size. Of course it didn’t work.

See, I had this mantra, and I would chant it aloud as I walked through the halls: “You can try to smash my sandwich at lunch, but I will snatch it from your hand: Hyah! You can try to throw a landscaping brick at me during gym, but I will dodge it with the speed of a majestic lioness: Rowr! And you can try to elbow me off the auditorium stage, but I will sprout dragon’s wings and fly off to glorious lands: Whoosh!” I think this made bullies think twice before giving me grief.
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