What follows is a 6-8 weeks worth of Internet which has been quintuple
filtered through my Citalopram-addled brain and arranged in list form
for your perusal. Each link comes highly recommended by me, but these
recommendations should be taken with several mountains of salt, as I am
afflicted with a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder which
renders me almost completely incapable of predicting what People Who
Are Not Me will find interesting, funny, or useful.
Nevertheless: Here's some of what I've dug up this time around:
Suicidal Animals, What The Muppets Learned From Softcore Porn, Amusing
Hatecrimes, Movie Poster Cliches, Non-Heroic Soldiers, Stoned Driving
vs Drunk Driving, The Inherent Uselessness Of Creativity, Child
Psychopaths, and Funcoland Training Videos Which Will Likely Make You
Question The Existence Of God.
I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am
distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the
outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free
time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of
a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that
the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes
me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion,
despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.
As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old
person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of
ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To"
pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens.
Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in. Stick around, it's perfectly alright. I was just finishing up an article I intend to publish on the internet. It's mostly just a collection of links to news stories and articles I...was...hey, what're you doing? Oh my god, what the hell is that!? Oh my god. Oh my god! No! No! AUUGGHH! Help! Somebody help me! NRRGkerIJ IASD67ng,uj.
This week's top stories: Ingenious Bank Robberies Gone Wrong, Near-Death Experiences 'Splained By Science, What We Can Learn From Cinematic Time-Travellers, Why Media Piracy Is Worse Than Murder, Hip-Hop Lyrics Dissected By An Intelligent Man, The Perils Of Bestiality, And The Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time.
Here's another one of these link roundup things. This one is pretty
hearty (plenty of links) so I suppose we better get started right away.
Topics covered include: US Destinations With Racist Names, The Least
Untrustworthy Companies In
The US, Maurice Sendak Calls A Guy A 'Flaccid Fuckhead', Cellphone
Cancer, Some Prick Haunted House, The Most Bestest Scientists Ever, and
Hotels Built To Facilitate Murder.
It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of 9/11. It Just So Happens That I Have That Information.
On Sunday, September 11th 2011, I went through took some screen
captures of the "Most Popular Stories" sections of various news
websites (CNN, Fox News, Time, ABC News, The Huffington Post, MTV News,
The Guardian, E! Online, The BBC) because I thought it'd be interesting
to see what sorts of things people were reading.
But don't worry, this isn't political commentary or a somber,
teary-eyed tribute to the victims of 9/11. Lucky for you, I have very
little respect for arbitrary days of remembrance. It seems awfully
silly to be "extra sad" on a particular iteration of a holiday simply
because happens to be divisible by a nice round number. Also, it bugs
me how successful most news outlets are at using milestones like these
to squeeze a bunch of extra advertising dollars out of the public. I
guess the point I'm trying to make is: People be gullible, yo.
Anyway, to summarize: I took some screenshots from a bunch of news
sites on 9/11/2011 and if you suspect you might be interested in what
other people were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you
might want to take a quick look.
You will find them listed below, in no particular order. Godspeed. (And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way)
welcome to another edition of Web Detritus, an online
repository of profoundly irrelevant links, videos, and articles,
hand-picked by me, a human at a desk.
Here's a little of what I've scrounged up this time around: Which Guns
Are Best For Killing Dinosaurs, Poor People In "The Good Old Days", Why
Nightclubs Blow, Two-Headed Mutant Felines, An Easy Way To Waste 11
Million Dollars, 3D Movies Which Aren't Complete Shit, And Which
Cellphone Provider Cares Least About Your Privacy (Hint: It's All Of
It is truly outrageous to me that you would call yourselves muffin tops. You are "Reasonably thick blueberry pancakes", and nothing more.
If there's one thing I won't abide, it's prepackaged novelty breakfast
foods misrepresenting themselves.
Now get out.