The Doctor's Office

Vandals On High Street - Scale
“You can put your clothes back on now,” the doctor said, scribbling angrily in his notepad.

“Finally,” I said, putting my arm into one of the sleeves. “Hey, what exactly are you writing anyway?”

“It’s private,” the doctor said without looking up, “Private medical notes.”

I stood up and pulled the shirt over my head.

“Private…what’s that supposed to mean?” I said, frowning and walking over to him, “Let me see it.” I reached for the book.

“No!” the doctor pouted, pulling it away. “It’s mine.”

Awful Film Fights: The Substitute 3

Awful Film Fights - The Substitute 3

Seeing as the cowards over at Youtube have blocked embedding of clips related to this lovely film, I must resort to linking to it Like Some Sort of Savage. It is a sad world we live in when a man can't even embed a video of a fight scene from a terrible movie which he has set pointlessly to music.

A sad world indeed.

Weird News (Week of 03.07.10)

Weird News - Cow Lady
As many of you may already know, this month is Dead Animal Preservation Month. It's important that we all take time out of our busy lives once and a while to look back upon the animals we have lost or deliberately killed. In addition to this, I believe strongly that we should also make at least a cursory attempt to preserve their lifeless corpses. In honor of this, I am hereby proclaiming this to be a very special "Dead Pet Preservation" edition of Weird News.  
 
I do hope very much that you (and the marble-eyed motionles dog posed stiffly in your living room) enjoy it.

Stupid Customer Complaints: Final Round

Even More Stupid Customer Complaints
Listen up: I sorted through a bunch more of the ridiculous and absurd customer complaints over at Complaintsboard and have compiled the most interesting ones here for your perusal.

Alright let's go!

Top 10 Reasons to Use Herbal & All-Natural Remedies

Top 10 Reasons To Take Herbal & All-Natural Remedies
FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.
 
So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...North Dakota

Tourists Guide to North Dakota 
When I was a kid I would often refer to North Dakota as "The Boring Dakota". Now that I am older (and slightly wiser) I see how wrong I really was. North Dakota couldn't possibly be the boring Dakota because both Dakotas are the boring Dakota. I feel like South Dakota is only given a pass because it has a couple of reasonably worthwhile tourist attractions. This stands in stark contrast to the zero worthwhile attractions located in North Dakota. That is, unless you consider the LaMoure Toy Farmer Museum to be a worthwhile attraction. Personally I do not.
 
Nevertheless: I am now going to attempt to sell you on a vacation to North Dakota. This is the first in a 50-Part series in which I will describe and pointlessly insult the major tourist attractions in each state. If this sounds incredibly stupid to you, don't worry. I'll probably only be able to do three or four states before I get bored and abandon this idea forever.
 
But for now, let's check out some of the fantastic reasons to visit North Dakota!

Weird News (Week of 02.28.10)

Weird News Old People Fencing
This time around, a Chinese teacher stabs children with needles, illegal circumcision, and Rapid Crack Propagation in Polyethylene Pipes. Also some Polish guy eats a lottery ticket on an airplane. Oh world! You so crazy.

Weird News (Week of 02.21.10)

Weird News - Japan Butt Sniff
Stories this week include (but are not limited to!) a nude man thrusting in a library, women morphing into dolphins, obscenely lowered trucks, Metallica, and the unasked-for ability to create a terrifying doll of yourself.
 
Thank you and thank you!

Google Autocomplete Answers 9 Important Questions

Google Autocomplete Answers Life's Important Questions
Google's autocomplete feature is a tool I often use when I want to get an idea of the general public's feeling or thoughts on a particularly hard-to-research subject. Well maybe not often. More like never. Still it's a fun way to see what the all the idiots in the world are up to.

So here are 9 of the most interesting/disturbing/weird/stupid autocomplete results which have shaken my faith in much of humanity.

Quest For Time 2010 UpdateTacular!

The Baron's Quest For Time 2010 Update!
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Greetings all, from the lands of Dverz, Anthroes, and Hurans! For those of you who are wondering what the Sam Hell I'm talking about, it's the MMORPG Online Game I've been developing known as The Quest For Time. I know it's been quite some time since I've updated y'alls on the development, so I figured I'd throw a ripe, juicy bone into all my fans by sharing some new info on what I've been cooking up in the land of Valderanianaiae.
 
FAIR WARNING: Spoilders abound, so those of you who are planning to play the game on release might want to pass up this article, because I reveal key plot points in both the Elle Swamp questline and the Anthroe romance story! So consider yeselves warned!

Weird News (Week of 02.14.10)

Weird News - Scooter Man
In a daring move, I've changed the title of this series yet again. From now on it'll just be called "Weird News". You can save your letters and online petitions! I'll not change it back! Don't be nervous though, there's no sinister motive behind this change. I'm just getting tired of having to hold down shift and reach all the way up to the "7" to make that ampersand (or whatever it's called) symbol in the title. Talk about annoying.
 
Also, I am now accepting submissions for Weird News, so if you have something ridiculous or funny or offensive to share you can SUBMIT IT HERE.

Christian Game Review: Bayonetta

Christian Game Review - Bayonetta
Christian Game Reviewer - Lucas BellHi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!
 
Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)
 
Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.
 

CRASH MOVIE SCRIPT: PAUL HAGGIS DIRECTOR'S CUT

The Script for Crash Sucked So I Rewrote It


The Script For Crash Sucked So I Rewrote It - Paul HaggisBy Acclaimed Film Director Paul Haggis
Hello, I'm acclaimed film director Paul Haggis. I've written scripts for hit family shows such as Walker: Texas Ranger, The Facts of Life, and [Hey,] Whose the Boss [Is This?]. Most recently, I penned the script to the (triple) Oscar winning film Crash which starred actors like Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock, Keith David, Don Cheadle, and Don Cheadle.
 
While crash was a huge success, I was never quite satisfied with the way it turned out. Due to pressure from studio bigwigs, I was forced to tone down the "obscenely unrealistic characters & situations" and "dialogue so laughable it seems to have been written by someone who is completely unfamiliar with the way normal human beings speak or interact with one-another"(their words), leaving my script toothless and ambiguous (the film is anti-racism, in case you were wondering).
 
So that's why I've decided to share my original vision for Crash with the world. Here's just a short excerpt. Hope you enjoy it.

Haggis, Out.

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