The Cynical [Chinese] Tourist's Guide to...North Carolina

Tourist's Guide to North Carolina
In the hopes of capturing the lucrative Chinese person market, I have written this article in Chinese. Any English speakers who wish to read about the wonderful tourist attractions North Carolina has to offer (of which there are many!) can either translate this article to English using the translation software of their choice or view the ENGLISH VERSION HERE, as the Chinese version may not display properly in their browser.

我希望你喜歡的許多文章中,我寫了!

Review: Clash of the Titans 3D

Review - Clash of The Titans 3D- 19th Century Gentleman
By The Sentient Portrait of an Early 19th Century Gentleman
Early 19th Century GentlemanUpon the morning's first light, I vacated my diggings and pointed my velocipede towards the local theater, my intentions being to view the latest moving picture: Clash of the Titans. Upon my arrival I was put into a fine pucker upon discovering that a gape-mouthed boodle of border ruffians had seen fit to congregate at the entrance. My first inciliation was to absquatulate then and there, but as it had been a coon's-age since I had attended a performance of this sort, I soon acquiesced.
 
I planked down the funds required (far from a pittance, I assure you!) and made my way into the theater at full chisel, more than a bit wrathy at the shine-cuttings of the soaplocks who filled the lobby.

20 Ghastly Celebrity Wax Sculptures

20 Ghastly Celebrity Wax Sculptures - Pamela Anderson
Those of you who have not had the displeasure of visiting a wax museum are missing out on a world of arcane horrors unlike anything you have known. As a small child I had the opportunity to check out Ripley's Wax Museum in San Antonio, an experience which has undoubtedly scarred me for life. To this day I cannot sit on a public toilet without envisioning the crushed wax face of Tom Hanks surging towards me from the murky depths.
 
But for those of you who have yet to come under the stony gaze of a half melted dummy of Sylvester Stallone, I have compiled these photos.

Weird News (Week of 03.28.10)

Weird News - Rap Snacks
I have a shameful confession to make: Occasionally I have a difficult time differentiating between various Hulk Hogan films. Most often, this issue manifests itself with regards to Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando. I do recognize the difference in plot between the two "former pro wrestler is hired as a bodyguard for small children &  a cyborg from space fights crime(?)" and yet to me, these features are still one and the same. Part of my confusion may stem from the fact that I have not seen either film, but I can't help but wonder if there isn't something more sinister afoot here.
 
But there's really no time for me to think about it right now. I have to post this dumb article.

The Casually Dismissive Guide to Funerals

Casually Dismissive Guide to Funerals - Coffin Sidecar
It's been a long time since I wrote my original Guide To Funerals. It's one of the first articles I ever wrote, and the childishness of my worldview at that time certainly shows. Fortunately, dear reader, a lot has changed since then. I've grown up. I've matured. I've gotten married, bought a beautiful four bedroom, one-and-a-half bath ranch home, and my wife and I have had 3 beautiful little boys (Zack, Moses, and Topper) all of whom are now the collective loves of my life.
 
Also, I've apparently begun lying for no reason, because none of that shit is even remotely true. I live by myself, eat pop tarts as meals, and spend most of my free time writing shitty stories about sasquatches. So yeah, life is pretty good.
 
But I hope you'll excuse me, because I have to get on with disrespecting the recently dead and the behavior of those who grieve for them.

Google Autocomplete Answers 8 More Important Questions

Google Autocomplete Answers More Questions
How does Google Autocomplete work? Well I'll tell you. Imagine, if you will, the CEO of a large corporation. Now imagine that this man performed a search on Google for "Erectile Dysfunction" followed soon after by a search for "nude photos of Mark Hamill vacuuming in a wig" and then submitted another search 3 minutes (and one flush of the toilet) later for " has anyone else cured their erectile dysfunction by looking at nude photos of Mark Hamill vacuuming in a wig because shit I think I just might have.

"You might be wondering what, precisely, the obviously fabricated story of a closeted homosexual CEO reigniting his sexual pilot light by viewing burlesque photographs of Luke Skywalker has to do with me displaying screen captures of interesting and amusing Google autocomplete results.

This is a valid question, and one to which I currently have no answer.

Weird News (Week of 03.21.10)

Weird News of The Week - Abortion Flash
Oh news! Will you ever learn? Amongst this week's stories are the following things: Softcore Porn, Knife Stabbings, Syringe Stabbings, Paying for Online Dates With Women, & People Shouting About Little House on the Prairie.
 

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Idaho

The Tourist's Guide to Idaho
Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose. Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too, but it's true. "And what," you might ask, "do these people do once they've arrived in Idaho?" Hell if I know. According to the board of tourism's website Idaho is an "Outdoors-Oriented Community". So maybe they go on walks?

Or, maybe "outdoors community" is really just code for "There is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth and then you finally get home and can't even get to sleep because THE FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH" which, appealing as it may sound, is probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
 
But I suppose that is why I'm here: To convince you all that taking a trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So let's take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to offer, won't us?

10 Absurd & Unsettling Fiverr Posts

10 Absurd & Unsettling Fiverr Posts - In Drag
The idea behind fiverr is pretty simple: People post activities they're willing to perform for five dollars, and if anyone feels like paying them to do it, they can go right ahead.

There seems to be a decent filtering system in place, because 90% of the posts seem legit (e.g. "I will write a short story for you", "I will make a custom blog theme for you". "I will draw a picture of you" etc), but luckily for me, there are still plenty of insane people and sick freaks posting stuff too.

Here are a few of the strangest pledges I've come across so far.

How To Build Your Own PC

How To Build Your Own PC
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronIf you've never built your own personal computer (or PC as they're known in the biz) you're missing out on a world of excitement, adventure, and sensualness unlike anything you have known. And ladies, if you haven't dated a man who has built his own computer, you're missing out (just ask my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina)! So you can keep your sex parties, drinking & driving parties, and make-out parties...we real men will taking off our shirts together, setting our processors to the max, and cranking the RAM to 100! Non stop!
 
So oil up your sockets, wrap your fingers around those meaty pipes, and let's get hog wild by building our own PCs!

20 (More) Daring & Beautiful Cosplayers

20 More Desperately Beautiful Cosplayers
One day I'm going to run out of photos of nerds dressed in ridiculous costumes.

That day is not today.

Gonna ride this train all the way to hell.

20 (More) Daring & Beautiful Cosplayers

WORDS ESCAPE ME

Cosplayers

ISN'T SHE LOVELY

Cosplayers

YEP. I'M BATMAN. PRETTY MUCH

Cosplayers

I APPEAR TO HAVE URINATED

Cosplayers

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T

Cosplayers

LIKE IT I MADE IT MYSELF

Cosplayers

ME AND MAH CRU

Cosplayers

ARE YOU A FEMALE WOMAN

Cosplayers

SCOOBY TOE

Cosplayers

DADDY LIKE

Cosplayers

I FEEL DEAD INSIDE

Cosplayers

CONFESSIONS

Cosplayers

WE TWO ARE IN LOVE

Cosplayers

ROCKET IN MY POCKET

Cosplayers

SEXY BEAST

Cosplayers

SWEET CHRIST ON HIGH

Cosplayers

SMOOTH CRIMINAL

Cosplayers

AW HECKS NAW

Cosplayers

QUAALUDE SQUALL

Cosplayers

HAD THE PRICE OF BEAUTY BEEN BLINDNESS, I WOULD HAVE LOOKED

Cosplayers



Weird News (Week of 03.14.10)

Weird News - GI Joe
I think the only thing I need to say about this week's roundup is that it features the story of a man who supposedly committed suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the upper thigh with a large, blunt, souvenir pencil which held high sentimental value to him. I did not make this up.
 
Oh and also, I wrote into a freeze-dried pet website to see how much it would cost to freeze and pose my cat.
 
See for yourself below, if you feel like it.

The Largely Inaccurate PC Troubleshooting Advice Column

 PC Troubleshooting Advice Column
Computers don't always work the way we want them to, so from time to time I like to spend a few moments answering a few of the many tech-support questions I receive from readers. Why they choose me, a complete stranger who runs a website entirely unrelated to computer support and has heretofore expressed neither the willingness nor the ability to answer any technological questions, I do not know. But this does little to change that these people need help, and I'll be goddamned if I leave them out in the cold just because of their stubborn refusal to adhere to logic.
 
So this week I'll be helping readers out with a few of their basic computer-related questions. You're welcome!
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