Web Detritus (Week of 09.05.10)

Fat ApeA collection of interesting links, weird news stories, and other notable dispatches from lower depths of the internet world.
 
This week: Magnetic Serbians, Bongo Jesus, Gun-Weilding Volleyball Mothers, Infants Utilized As Weapons, Masturbating Burglars, Surprisingly Worthless Superpowers, and The Secret To Eternal Happiness.

Amazon Oddity: Kurt Adler Diet Coke Can Light Set

Coca-Cola Can Lights
Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars) a set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans. These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not clash with the Coca-Cola commemorative plates, framed Coca-Cola photographs, and dust-encrusted Coca-Cola Calendars which currently adorn the walls of your cluttered, cat-piss-smelling hovel.
 
With just a simple credit card transaction, these gaudy symbols of unabashed consumerism will be shipped directly to your front door, where they may then be torn from the box in a frenzy and slapped upon the walls as symbols of your pathetic brand loyalty to one of the world's largest and least interesting corporations!
 
So let's dive right in and take a look at the specific features which make these particular sources of artificial (yet godly) luminescence so very special.

Top 5 Most Fascinating Ways To Die

Top 5 Most Fascinating Ways To Die
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
 
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuckie Cheese.
 
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.

Web Detritus (Week of 08.29.10)

Smoking PuppyA weekly collection of cool links, odd news stories, and other superfantasticamazing things I found on the internet.
 
This week: Chinese Dogs Smoke Cigarettes, Creepy Sex Dolls, Justice For Litterers, How To Win The Lottery, Guantanamo Bay Prisoner Art, & The Latest Shocking News About 2 Live Crew.

Coolest Baby Names Of All Time

Coolest Baby Names Of All Time
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser" Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday, and that's not something any parent wants.
 
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or Bobcat Goldwaith.
 
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names Of All Time.

20 (More) Spectacularly Awful Album Covers

20 More Spectacularly Awful Album Covers
I hope that you will please forgive my inability to stop posting galleries featuring hilariously bad album covers. Please know that I only continue to do this out of a deep and abiding love for the human race. Well that, and also I've also got a number of very serious mental disorders I am unsuccessfully attempting to reign in.But that isn't important right now.

The photos are the reason we're all here, so let's get started.