10 Idiotic Things To Do Before You Die

10 Idiotic Things to Do Before You Die - Base Jumping
"Things To Do Before You Die" lists are intended to remind us that "life is precious", and that we should "live each day to it's fullest, lest we die unhappy". Obviously this is easier said than done, and as such, many people often dismiss these sorts of sentiments as meaningless, idealistic garbage. But this may be somewhat unfair. If one did wish to begin the journey towards enlightenment, I can think of no better path than one which begins by mindlessly taking part in a number of broadly defined feel-good clichés as suggested a list compiled by unimaginative Chicken Soup For The Soul lovers who have recently become motivational speakers and are also high on ecstasy.
 
These lists are also known as "Bucket Lists", a term which was popularized by the 2007 film of the same name. A film which, might I add, was so utterly insipid, saccharine, and melodramatic that I myself was only able to get through the first 5 minute of it before slipping into a diabetic coma, from which I emerged 12 years later, no worse for the wear, and yet puzzlingly unrefreshed.
 
So it was with great trepidation that I began my research into the actual bucket lists themselves. My quest: To find 10 of the most offensively stupid items which are often included on bucket lists. Here are the results.

Weird News (Week of 04.25.10)

Weird News - Cat Eating Pills
Amongst the topics addressed in this week's edition of weird news are: "What's the worst way to prove you aren't fat?", "Are restaurants allowed to deny entry to homosexual pets?" "What's the best prohibitively expensive way to survive the apocalypse?" "What do goats have against the Chinese?" And "Is Mousetrap still a good toy?"
 
To run though them quickly beforehand, the answers to these questions are as follows: "Bite a piece of someone off", "Yes?", "Vivos", "I'm unsure", and "No, it blows."

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Georgia

Tourists Guide to Georgia - Jesus Gas
The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case. Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home goodness at a reasonable price.
 
So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.

Stick Figures in Peril: 20 Incomprehensible Warning Signs

20 Beautifully Incomprehensible Street Signs
It is of the utmost importance that a warning sign be easily understood. A cryptic warning sign will do nothing to improve the safety of a dangerous workplace, and will be little more than a whimsical diversion to an employee before his arm is torn from its socket by the series of large, rusty cogs whose existence the nonsensical warning sign was incapable of alerting him to.

So in light of this man's alarming mutilation, I present to you 20 warning signs whose meanings are completely beyond my capacity to discern.

Weird News (Week of 04.18.10)

Weird News Klan Ferret
This week in the news: Burger King bun theft, George Washington charged with book pillaging, blowgun assault, and dogs running for public office. Also I've got a video montage highlighting infomercial actors failing to perform even the most basic of tasks, and a Mexican waterpark for sale.
 
I'd invite you to read on, but honestly it's probably not worth your time unless you're really bored. Do as you see fit.

George Lucas & The Mysterious Fungus

George Lucas & The Mysterious FUngus
"What is it?" I asked, eying the large pile of dry brown plant matter uneasily.
 
"One can't say for sure," George muttered, scooping up a handful and dropping it into his mouth, "I came upon it while tilling the fields. It's true origins remain shrouded in darkness." He sputtered, swallowing.
 
I picked up a handful and began to chew. The stuff was absolutely foul, and had a texture like dry bark. Grimacing, I choked it down, and sat wondering what I had gotten myself into. It wasn’t long before I started to feel it coming on. I felt slightly disconnected and an almost imperceptible warmth and weightlessness crept into my limbs. I laughed a little and said something like, “Mmmmmmm.”
 
George stood and looked around. He flexed, grinning and widening his eyes.

“Nnnggg!” he cried, "OHHHH!”

4 Worthless Technologies of The Future

Awful Scifi Tech: 4 Failed Future Technologies
As of the time this is being written, the year is 2010. It is officially The Future. Not quite what you expected, right? From what I was told, by this time were supposed to have become a race of golden brown superhumans with cheap and easy access to all the sex goggles, synthetic tree bark, and all the child abuse simulators we could carry. Obviously this has not come to pass. Unfortunately, when it comes to cool future technologies like hoverboards or pianos that play themselves (!), science has failed us utterly, electing instead to focus its efforts on decidedly un-fantastical technologies like heart valve replacement surgery, cordless telephones, and low-sodium Wheat Thins.
 
Not that I'm complaining about how things have turned out. It's also true that there are plenty of hypothetical "Future" technologies we are better off without. Here are four of the worst offenders.
 

A Ghoulish Menagerie: 20 More Terrifying Wax Sculptures

20 More Terrifying Wax Sculptures
Hey what can I say, there's a shortage of photos featuring horrifying wax figures on the internet. Somebody's gotta rectify that shit, right?

Might as well be me.

Weird News (Week of 04.11.10)

Weird News - Old Bikers Flipping Off Camera
This week in news: Bar code scanners causing tourette's, deliberate projectile vomiting on children, whale rape, and gas pedal pressing fetishists.

Also, I'm reasonably certain that's the most insane sentence I've ever written.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Alaska

Tourists Guide to Alaska - Eagles Dumpster
From large groups of trees, to snow-capped mountains, to the ground under those mountains and trees, it's fairly safe to say that Alaska has got it all. It's a land of wonder, excitement, and adventure, where anything can, and will happen! Well...I'm being a bit generous. It's probably more like a land of quiet bemusement, snowstorms, and mild anticipation. Hmm. Still seems kind of dishonest. OK: At the very least, Alaska is a land which, I would assume, is not entirely without it's charms. There. That sounds about right.

I would, however, like to apologize in advance for the lack of actual tourism-based content in this article. I sincerely did try to find some interesting and original things that people could do visiting Alaska, but I mostly came up emptyhanded. the way I see it, this could be taken to mean one of two things: 1. There actually is nothing interesting going on in Alaska, or 2. I am just sort of lazy.

I'm thinking it's probably a little of both.

Even More Cryptic & Beautiful Poetry From Spam Emails

Sublime Poetry of Spam Emails - Horse HEad
A continuation of my hard-hitting look at the secret world of poetic spam emails. Meaning: I got a bunch more crazy spam emails. You may look at them and be moderately amused, if you wish.

Weird News (Week of 04.04.10)

Weird News - Pumpkin Photo
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