5 Absurdly Specific Simulator Games Whose Existence I Find Puzzling

5 Ridiculous & Overly Specific Simulator Games
Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I'm puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call "Monotonous Task Simulators". These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or activities which were not inherently interesting in the first place. So imagine a Carpet Sample Choosing Simulator, or an Ethnic Grocery Store Vandalism Simulator, or a or Being Forced To Reiterate The Point You Made Only Moments Before Because Nobody Was Listening Simulator.
 
OK, so obviously those aren't real games (yet), but with deathly serious titles like Fork-Lift Truck Simulator and Garbage Disposal Simulator being released frequently, it's not too far-fetched to assume that some day someone might develop a "Fail In Your Attempt to Make a Cat's Cradle To Impress a Rodeo Clown" Simulator. As insane as the idea might seem, I'm sure there'd be an audience for it somewhere.
 
But hey, here's a short list of five of the dullest/weirdest simulator games available today.

Review: 6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250

6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250 - Star Trek
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm this guy who runs his own website. This makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars. Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless.

So you just know that when I decide to review of a number of fairly old films which I believe to be wrongfully beloved, people are going to listen. And by "people", I mean "not very many people at all and possibly nobody". And by "are going to listen", I mean "are going to skim the intro and maybe the first paragraph and before clicking over to an article written by somebody with actual talent".

In any case, here is a short list of movies I don't really like that somehow made it on the IMDB Top 250, causing me to become slightly exasperated.

Weird News (Week of 05.23.10)

Weird News - Hangin Out
This just in! This just in! Hoarders Buried Alive Under Mounds of Garbage! Kid Drinks Cup of Feces at Elementary School! Wild Animal Shanked in Prison Yard! Drunk Arsonist Behaves Irresponsibly! Humans Slurp Down Mexican Ringworms to Cure Diseases!
 
Alright, my use of "This just in" may have been somewhat disingenuous since all this crap happened over a week, but I really just like typing "This just in". This just in! This just in! Now If I could only work in "stop the presses" somehow my life would be complete. Maybe another time.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...New York

The Tourist's Guide To New York
Little known fact: There's actually an entire state attached to New York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws literally dozens of tourists each year into it's distinctly unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination capital of the world), but this matters little, as even somber pilgrims hell-bent on their own destruction have a hard time resisting upstate New York's many curio shoppes, taffy fountains, and collectible coin emporiums.
 
So the next time you inexplicably get it into your fool head to pay a visit to the overrated, obnoxious, self-important, overpriced, stench-ridden cesspool known as NYC, you might consider bypassing the Big Apple altogether in favor of it's slightly less nauseating upstate cousin, as there's plenty to see and do there.
 
In service of this, the following article features an overview of some of the more popular New Yorkian attractions. I invite you to examine it at your leisure.

Modern Mustache: 20 Photographs of Skillful Mustaciers

Modern Mustache: 20 Photographs of Skillful Mustaciers
Any man can sport a mustache, but it takes a special sort to do so with refinement and class. In honor of these men, I present to you this photographic collection of the most accomplished facial hair enthusiasts I could drum up. I have selected these photos with care and love, and I hope that you will view the men featured in them with the respect and reverence they deserve.

Note: For those who may be wondering, "mustachier" is a term I have coined to describe those who wear mustaches.

Weird News (Week of 05.16.10)

Weird News - Christmas Dinner
This time around: Toddlers Flung Through Windshields, Voodoo Grave Robbers, Sleeping Gas, An Innocent Man Requesting Guns From a Lawnmower, Abandoned Blind Women, and Nude Photos of Steven Seagal. OK, maybe not nude nude. Nude except for his clothes and shoes and eyes.
 
Also, from now on I'll be including a short list of links to cool stuff (top 10 lists, guides, infographics, etc) from around the internet. These will be at the end of the article under the heading of "Link Roundup", so go ahead and skip there if you want to see the best stuff (i.e. the stuff that wasn't written by me). But I hope you'll enjoy clicking the links as much as I enjoy pasting them on the page and subsequently hitting enter.

5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?

5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?
Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink, I immediately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The words "Energy Supplement" were present on the bottle. 3. The label appeared to have been designed by a semiliterate child and printed on a cheap laser printer in some meth addict's basement. 4. It was sitting on the counter at a filthy gas station next to a container of laser pointer keychains and Playboy bunny lighters. So I think you can forgive me for concluding that the whole thing wasn't on the up-and-up.
 
But in the interest of semi-science (internet science?) I decided to buy a few bottles of 5-Hour Energy Drink, do some research on the ingredients, and perform a few test-drinks to see what effect this shining example of Ostensibly Shady Energy Drink Marketing would have on my hypercynical, overly suspicious mind. The results of my experiment are contained in the following article, which is guaranteed to thrill, educate, and excite (provided your standards are low enough).

20 Strange & Disturbing Sexual Fetishes

20 Strange & Disturbing Fetishes - Lick Box
One public service I like to occasionally perform is to notify complete strangers about various types of sexual fetishes they may not have heard of. Not only is it good knowledge to have in general (sexual trivia can be great fun at family reunions), but it's also quite useful to know that such things exist when one day you stumble upon a link to "Potty Links - The Body Waste & Fluid Fetish Portal" in your 12-year-old son's web history.

"Ah-ha," you might be heard to remark, as you click through page after page of some of the most horrifyingly foul images you could ever have imagined, "this is Coprophilia, the fetish involving sexual pleasure derived from fecal play! That little rascal!"

So join me after the break for a list of the top 20 strangest fetishes of all time. Who knows, you might even find something you like!

Weird News (Week of 05.10.10)

Weird News - Playground Shooting 
This week in reasonably interesting and mildly offbeat news: Yo-Yo championship fraud, alleged gropings by the handicapped, the gospel according to multiple felons, elderly crack dealers, Toby Keith's filthy molester mustache, & how to tell if you're a vampire.

Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
Christian Game Reviewer - Lucas BellHello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press.
 
But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and Gomorrah.

Review: Amazon Oddities

Amazon Oddities - Shirt Bib
You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the "Amazon Oddities" label can be tagged by customers as an "Amazon Oddity" and will then be shown HERE, for your theoretical amusement. This would be fine, except there's nothing stopping hundreds of random unfunny idiots from tagging any product they think is "cute" or "hilarious" as an Amazon Oddity. So unless you feel like sifting through 100+ pages of sex toys (tee-hee!), cheesy gag gifts, and children's books with the word "poop" in the title, you probably won't have much use for the list.
 
But luckily for you, I've decided to do my part for society and review five of the most useful Amazon Oddities: The Gambler's Mustache, A Large Boulder, 4500 Live Ladybugs, The Pig acupuncture Model, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit. I know it's not much, but it's the least I can do to help.

Weird News (Week of 05.02.10)

Weird News 
I'm not going to insult you people by trying to pretend that this wasn't a slow news week. It was. Even for shitty "not-really-even-close-to-being-news" news. Seriously, look what I have: A story about a man asking for piggyback rides, alternative medicine fanatics getting what they deserve, a huge pile of corpses left to rot, and a Tony Danza fansite from the late 90s.
 
I think what I'm really trying to say here is: Don't read this article. There are far better ways for you to spend your time. Like attempting to slice some bread with a length of thin wire. Or seeing how high you can kick. Or talking to yourself in the shower. Stuff like that, you know?

Word on The Street: Bucket Lists

Spider Man Wailing Wall
Due to the outstanding success of my recently published article on bucket lists, I decided to "take it to the streets" and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of "Things to Do Before You Die".
 
Not surprisingly, many of them complied, coming up with some thought-provoking and insightful responses that really made me stop and consider what it means to be human in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. Unfortunately I was only able to get in three interviews before I was shot in the chest and upper thigh by some hero cop who decided I was breaking some obscure law, but I think you'll find that the lists I was able to compile were well worth my arrest and subsequent arraignment on felony assault and use of facsimile firearm charges.
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