The Old-Time Robot Comedian Stand-Up Comedy Hour

Robot Comedy
Built a standup comedian robot who has the ability to tell great jokes. Here is his latest set. Sorry it's all in caps but it is the way robots write.

Hope you like great jokes.

A Short List Of Gifts You Should Probably Buy For Me

Presents!
To My Family & Friend(s):
It has recently come to my attention that many of you view me as a selfish, emotionally distant, and frequently condescending jerk with little or no respect for the beliefs, traditions, or feelings of others. While I can definitely see how people may have arrived at these conclusions, I can assure you that some of them are almost certainly untrue. Untrue, and extremely hurtful. And although the lifetime of social and psychological torment I've suffered at the hands of my peers has blunted my emotions so thoroughly that slanderous accusations like these no longer trouble me, I still do not appreciate being made to hear them.
 
In any event, I'm not here to insult you by using this space to "tell you how sorry I am for the many cruel and hurtful things I've allegedly done to many of you out of disdain or apathy" or even to admit how I'm constantly "using feigned nonchalance and dry humor to keep everyone I know at arm's length so I don't have to deal with the painful feelings which inevitably arise in healthy 'two-way' relationships". No, I won't waste your time by apologizing for any of those things right now.
 
I'm here for one reason, and one reason only: To let you all know that I forgive you. Each and every one of you. And to prove it, I'm giving you all a gift: The gift of the good feelings which arise from doing something nice for another human being: Me.

Reader Mail: Ghosts, Fetishes, & Groin Tactics

Reader Mail Letters
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is entirely understandable.

But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot": Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another, significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics, simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.

Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've really got no one but themselves to blame.

Some people never learn.

Web Detritus #156: A Fistula Full Of Dollars

Horse Horsey With Ribbons Over Face
What follows is a 6-8 weeks worth of Internet which has been quintuple filtered through my Citalopram-addled brain and arranged in list form for your perusal. Each link comes highly recommended by me, but these recommendations should be taken with several mountains of salt, as I am afflicted with a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder which renders me almost completely incapable of predicting what People Who Are Not Me will find interesting, funny, or useful.

Nevertheless: Here's some of what I've dug up this time around: Suicidal Animals, What The Muppets Learned From Softcore Porn, Amusing Hatecrimes, Movie Poster Cliches, Non-Heroic Soldiers, Stoned Driving vs Drunk Driving, The Inherent Uselessness Of Creativity, Child Psychopaths, and Funcoland Training Videos Which Will Likely Make You Question The Existence Of God.

A Series Of Informational Pamphlets For The Elderly

Ballooning Pamphlet For The Elderly
I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion, despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.

As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To" pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens. 

Web Detritus #155: The New Batch

Falling Guy Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in. Stick around, it's perfectly alright. I was just finishing up an article I intend to publish on the internet. It's mostly just a collection of links to news stories and articles I...was...hey, what're you doing? Oh my god, what the hell is that!? Oh my god. Oh my god! No! No! AUUGGHH! Help! Somebody help me! NRRGkerIJ IASD67ng,uj.

This week's top stories: Ingenious Bank Robberies Gone Wrong, Near-Death Experiences 'Splained By Science, What We Can Learn From Cinematic Time-Travellers, Why Media Piracy Is Worse Than Murder, Hip-Hop Lyrics Dissected By An Intelligent Man, The Perils Of Bestiality, And The Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time.

Web Detritus #154

Back Butterrer Butters BackSo hey: Here's another one of these link roundup things. This one is pretty hearty (plenty of links) so I suppose we better get started right away.

Topics covered include: US Destinations With Racist Names, The Least Untrustworthy Companies In The US, Maurice Sendak Calls A Guy A 'Flaccid Fuckhead', Cellphone Cancer, Some Prick Haunted House, The Most Bestest Scientists Ever, and Hotels Built To Facilitate Murder.

It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of 9/11. It Just So Happens That I Have That Information.

Fake Tourist Most Popular Stories On September 11th 2011
On Sunday, September 11th 2011, I went through took some screen captures of the "Most Popular Stories" sections of various news websites (CNN, Fox News, Time, ABC News, The Huffington Post, MTV News, The Guardian, E! Online, The BBC) because I thought it'd be interesting to see what sorts of things people were reading.

But don't worry, this isn't political commentary or a somber, teary-eyed tribute to the victims of 9/11. Lucky for you, I have very little respect for arbitrary days of remembrance. It seems awfully silly to be "extra sad" on a particular iteration of a holiday simply because happens to be divisible by a nice round number. Also, it bugs me how successful most news outlets are at using milestones like these to squeeze a bunch of extra advertising dollars out of the public. I guess the point I'm trying to make is: People be gullible, yo.

Anyway, to summarize: I took some screenshots from a bunch of news sites on 9/11/2011 and if you suspect you might be interested in what other people were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you might want to take a quick look.

You will find them listed below, in no particular order. Godspeed. (And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way)

Web Detritus #153

Weird EyesHello, and welcome to another edition of Web Detritus, an online repository of profoundly irrelevant links, videos, and articles, hand-picked by me, a human at a desk.

Here's a little of what I've scrounged up this time around: Which Guns Are Best For Killing Dinosaurs, Poor People In "The Good Old Days", Why Nightclubs Blow, Two-Headed Mutant Felines, An Easy Way To Waste 11 Million Dollars, 3D Movies Which Aren't Complete Shit, And Which Cellphone Provider Cares Least About Your Privacy (Hint: It's All Of Them).

DECEITFUL MUFFINS

Deceptive Eggo Mini Muffin Tops Blueberry

It is truly outrageous to me that you would call yourselves muffin tops. You are "Reasonably thick blueberry pancakes", and nothing more.

If there's one thing I won't abide, it's prepackaged novelty breakfast foods misrepresenting themselves.

Now get out.
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