THE 2014 HOLIDAY INTERNET GUIDE TO PRODUCTS ONE COULD HYPOTHETICALLY PURCHASE AS GIFTS FOR OTHERS IF ONE WERE SO INCLINED
It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically
overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the
occasional fan letter ("Why do you hate me because I'm fat?", "Like
to meet booted and gay
gloved cops", "what do you think about a game like socom ,is
it ok to play that game?") but the majority of the emails I receive
throughout the winter months are request for a new entry in
my world-renowned series of holiday gift guides.
So you know what? I'm gonna make their holiday wishes come true. Ladies
your hands together, pull them apart, and bring them together again
forcefully enough to create a sort of slapping sound for The 2014 Holiday
Guide To Products One Could Hypothetically Purchase As Gifts For Others If One Were So Inclined.
Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum.
Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed
it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a
devastating fire. Another thing you don't often hear after a fire is
"Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the fire. It's a good
thing they were properly educated in the art of fire safety."
This is not to say that children are worthless during a fire. Obviously their unconsious forms can be stacked against walls to facilitate access to otherwise unreachable portals of egress, and certainly fastening a number of the pudgier kids around your waist before you leap from a dangerous height would greatly improve your chances of surviving impact, but this isn't I'm talking about. This article is meant educate kids about how they can make themselves useful before they black-out, not after.
Now by this point you may be
saying, "You talk a big game old man, but why don't you put
money where your fat mouth is and tell me exactly what I, the average
non-firefighting child, can actually do to
survive a fire?". A fair question, to be sure, but I'm not sure why you
needed to phrase it so rudely. Honestly. I'm only trying to help here.
In fact, you know what? I'm not even sure a kid like you deserves quality
fire safety tips. Why should I waste my time educating angry, spiteful
little shits? Tell you what: Since you obviously aren't interested in
my actual fire
I'll create a list of fire safety tips especially for undeserving,
mouthy children who don't respect their elders.
This should teach you.
When it comes to toys, children have ridiculously low standards. A kid
will play with anything.
If you don't believe me, pick up any random object (a sheet of paper, a
handful of broken glass, a bunch of loose change clumped together
because someone spilled syrup or something in the cup holder) and hand
it to a two-year-old. Chances are they'll begin playing with it, and
good many of them will probably try to eat it too. That's how
openminded kids are; when it comes to potential toys, everything gets a
Alas, the same cannot be said of adults. As humans age, we develop
"tastes" and the ability impose "value judgments" upon "objects" people
"hand to us". For example: If you were to offer a full-grown woman a
bucket filled with antifreeze and say "Drink this, it's antifreeze",
she would almost certainly refuse. Not so with a child. In fact, a
recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that a full
100% of children surveyed happily drank antifreeze out of a bucket. So
yeah, in conclusion...uh...kids...and, umm...they love...not
Dammit. I blew it. This segue is the worst. There's no way I can make
it work now. I guess I'll just have to start the article manually. Hold
on a sec, let me find the thing here. Alright, got it. Let's see if
to student staff and business professional. So many of you are here
today. Woah! I am welcoming you to class of Beginning Computing. Object
of class is learn use of microchip computer for twenty century
We all know of microprocessor computer, but do we
know each part and piece that make it function? No. Of course, no. Why
even learn such foolishness? Here is reason: Today, computer is much
importance at all job. You work at school? You work at police? You work
at petrol station? All these are putting the entry into computer.
So yes, learning computer is no joke. So let's come together with
me...and we learn the world of computers.
far back as I can remember, I've always been an Idea Man. I don't mean
this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who
possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates
thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man.
example, I was able to come up with several fairly decent ideas a few
weeks ago when I placed a rusted can of quintuple-filtered spray butane
to my left nostril and held the nozzle open until the room began to
vibrate and shriek and indescribable colors exploded all around me and
my screams became muffled as the walls pushed in and in until
consciousness failed me and I knew no more.
awakening, I found myself entombed in a small chamber of pulsating,
amaranthine velvet. Though I did not know it at the time, it was to be
my home for the next several centuries. And although the pod was
cheaply furnished and the lone bookshelf contained only a small
rumpled-up stack of older Highlights magazines (in which most of the
mazes and puzzles had already been completed...IN PEN), I was
determined to make the best of a bad situation.
So while it is
true that the endless I spent imprisoned in that were neither
interesting nor eventful, I was able to spend a lot of quality time
reflecting on my life, which in turn lead me to consider the human
condition and eventually the very nature of existence itself. And while
it is also
true that none of this rumination ever resulted in anything
in anything other than a drowsiness or a mild headache, I did end come
up with a few pretty decent ideas for alarm clocks while I was in there.
So here are some of those.
Built a standup comedian robot who has the ability to tell great jokes.
Here is his latest set. Sorry it's all in caps but it is the way robots
Hope you like great jokes.
To My Family & Friend(s):
It has recently come to my attention that many of you view me as a
selfish, emotionally distant, and frequently condescending jerk with
little or no respect for the beliefs, traditions, or feelings of
others. While I can definitely see how people may have arrived at these
conclusions, I can assure you that some of them are almost certainly
untrue. Untrue, and extremely hurtful. And although the lifetime of
social and psychological torment I've suffered at the hands of my peers
has blunted my emotions so thoroughly that slanderous accusations like
these no longer trouble me, I still do not appreciate being made to
In any event, I'm not here to insult you by using this space to "tell
you how sorry I am for the many cruel and hurtful things I've allegedly
done to many of you out of disdain or apathy" or even to admit how I'm
constantly "using feigned nonchalance and dry humor to keep everyone I
know at arm's length so I don't have to deal with the painful feelings
which inevitably arise in healthy 'two-way' relationships". No, I won't
waste your time by apologizing for any of those things right now.
I'm here for one reason, and one reason only: To let you all know that
I forgive you. Each and every one of you. And to prove it, I'm giving
you all a gift: The gift of the good feelings which arise from doing
something nice for another human being: Me.
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic
mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not
hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The
first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is
entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do
would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy
thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever
Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just
wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is
But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it
more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I
sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot":
Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely
troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another,
significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach
this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't
think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either
elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics,
simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.
Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable &
Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone
except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've
really got no one but themselves to blame.
Some people never learn.