The Old-Time Robot Comedian Stand-Up Comedy Hour

Robot Comedy
Built a standup comedian robot who has the ability to tell great jokes. Here is his latest set. Sorry it's all in caps but it is the way robots write.

Hope you like great jokes.

A Short List Of Gifts You Should Probably Buy For Me

Presents!
To My Family & Friend(s):
It has recently come to my attention that many of you view me as a selfish, emotionally distant, and frequently condescending jerk with little or no respect for the beliefs, traditions, or feelings of others. While I can definitely see how people may have arrived at these conclusions, I can assure you that some of them are almost certainly untrue. Untrue, and extremely hurtful. And although the lifetime of social and psychological torment I've suffered at the hands of my peers has blunted my emotions so thoroughly that slanderous accusations like these no longer trouble me, I still do not appreciate being made to hear them.
 
In any event, I'm not here to insult you by using this space to "tell you how sorry I am for the many cruel and hurtful things I've allegedly done to many of you out of disdain or apathy" or even to admit how I'm constantly "using feigned nonchalance and dry humor to keep everyone I know at arm's length so I don't have to deal with the painful feelings which inevitably arise in healthy 'two-way' relationships". No, I won't waste your time by apologizing for any of those things right now.
 
I'm here for one reason, and one reason only: To let you all know that I forgive you. Each and every one of you. And to prove it, I'm giving you all a gift: The gift of the good feelings which arise from doing something nice for another human being: Me.

Reader Mail: Ghosts, Fetishes, & Groin Tactics

Reader Mail Letters
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is entirely understandable.

But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot": Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another, significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics, simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.

Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've really got no one but themselves to blame.

Some people never learn.

Web Detritus #156: A Fistula Full Of Dollars

Horse Horsey With Ribbons Over Face
What follows is a 6-8 weeks worth of Internet which has been quintuple filtered through my Citalopram-addled brain and arranged in list form for your perusal. Each link comes highly recommended by me, but these recommendations should be taken with several mountains of salt, as I am afflicted with a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder which renders me almost completely incapable of predicting what People Who Are Not Me will find interesting, funny, or useful.

Nevertheless: Here's some of what I've dug up this time around: Suicidal Animals, What The Muppets Learned From Softcore Porn, Amusing Hatecrimes, Movie Poster Cliches, Non-Heroic Soldiers, Stoned Driving vs Drunk Driving, The Inherent Uselessness Of Creativity, Child Psychopaths, and Funcoland Training Videos Which Will Likely Make You Question The Existence Of God.

An Open Letter To No One In Particular

Raccoons Using The Bus Because They Can
Alright, look, I know letters from me are a dime a dozen, but I hope you’ll hear me out, because I have an axe to grind with you, and I'm afraid I can't just let sleeping dogs lie. I know what you're thinking: When it comes to dealing with me, if it's not one thing, it's another. But make no bones about it, there's a method to my madness, and once the cat is out of the bag, you'll be thanking your lucky stars that I got down to brass tacks instead of fudging and mudging like a lost dog in high weeds.

Rome wasn't built in a day. I think you'll agree that if we're going to make this partnership successful, we're gonna have to ensure that we're both on the same page.  Passing the buck is simply not an option at this point in time, so I strongly suggest we take that option off the table. Because if we don't, we'll be back to square one in a New York minute. And you can take that to the bank.

A Series Of Informational Pamphlets For The Elderly

Ballooning Pamphlet For The Elderly
I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion, despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.

As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To" pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens. 

Web Detritus #155: The New Batch

Falling Guy Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in. Stick around, it's perfectly alright. I was just finishing up an article I intend to publish on the internet. It's mostly just a collection of links to news stories and articles I...was...hey, what're you doing? Oh my god, what the hell is that!? Oh my god. Oh my god! No! No! AUUGGHH! Help! Somebody help me! NRRGkerIJ IASD67ng,uj.

This week's top stories: Ingenious Bank Robberies Gone Wrong, Near-Death Experiences 'Splained By Science, What We Can Learn From Cinematic Time-Travellers, Why Media Piracy Is Worse Than Murder, Hip-Hop Lyrics Dissected By An Intelligent Man, The Perils Of Bestiality, And The Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time.

Web Detritus #154

Back Butterrer Butters BackSo hey: Here's another one of these link roundup things. This one is pretty hearty (plenty of links) so I suppose we better get started right away.

Topics covered include: US Destinations With Racist Names, The Least Untrustworthy Companies In The US, Maurice Sendak Calls A Guy A 'Flaccid Fuckhead', Cellphone Cancer, Some Prick Haunted House, The Most Bestest Scientists Ever, and Hotels Built To Facilitate Murder.

It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of September The 11th Because It Just So Happens That I Have That Information Handy

Fake Tourist Most Popular Stories On September 11th 2011
On Sunday, September 11th 2011, I went through took screen captures of the "Most Popular Stories" sections of various "news" sites because I thought it'd be interesting to see what kids of historical, through-provoking, and deeply meaningful articles people were reading on this EXTRA IMPORTANT (read: divisible by 10) anniversary of the 11th day of a particular month in a particular year in a particular firstworld country.

So if you suspect you might be interested in which news stories other humans were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you might want to take a quick look at the images I have compiled here.

And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way.

Web Detritus #153

Weird EyesHello, and welcome to another edition of Web Detritus, an online repository of profoundly irrelevant links, videos, and articles, hand-picked by me, a human at a desk.

Here's a little of what I've scrounged up this time around: Which Guns Are Best For Killing Dinosaurs, Poor People In "The Good Old Days", Why Nightclubs Blow, Two-Headed Mutant Felines, An Easy Way To Waste 11 Million Dollars, 3D Movies Which Aren't Complete Shit, And Which Cellphone Provider Cares Least About Your Privacy (Hint: It's All Of Them).

DECEITFUL MUFFINS

Deceptive Eggo Mini Muffin Tops Blueberry

It is truly outrageous to me that you would call yourselves muffin tops. You are "Reasonably thick blueberry pancakes", and nothing more.

If there's one thing I won't abide, it's prepackaged novelty breakfast foods misrepresenting themselves.

Now get out.

24 Face-Explodingly Insane Pieces Of Fan Art

Unicorn Fan Art
Question: Do you enjoy viewing amateur art drawn by fans of various things? If so, this may be just the article for you.

But before I get started, I'd like to make it clear that my intention is not to cut down or ridicule the artists behind these images, as I feel that doing so would be inexcusably cruel (even by my fairly loose moral standards). And frankly, even if I did want to make fun of this stuff, I'm not sure I'd even know where to begin. I mean, I have a hard enough time writing jokes about things I can comprehend, so there's probably no point in me trying to wring extra humor out of something as mystifying as a bunch of deeply religious Naruto sketches some kid posted to Deviantart.

So that why for this gallery, I'm playing it straight. No smart-ass jokes or pointless captions to distract you from the photos. So come right in and pull up a chair. There's more than enough lunacy to go around.

Side Note: This gallery does contain any sexually explicit material, so you can probably look through it at work. Although if someone saw you'd probably look like a pretty huge freak. So keep that in mind.

Web Detritus #152

Bag BoyzSporadically published compendium of "notable" articles, online curiosities, and a bunch of other things I enjoy either sincerely or ironically.

Here's some of what I've dredged up this time (pointlessly capitalized for your reading displeasure): Steven Seagal's Continuing Quest To Become The Most Interesting Man In The Multiverse, X-Ray Horror, A Comprehensive List Of Highly Unusual Deaths, Advice On Passing Gas, Hatred For Mother Teresa, The Joys Of Sextortion, And An Early 90s Film Featuring A Shirtless Jesse Ventura.

Awful Film Fights: Sudden Death


Thanks A Lot NBC. You Cunts.

Well, it took me more than two hours to painstakingly edit, encode, and upload this video, but at least I finally did it.

Now, all that's left is to test it and make sure it w--SON OF A WHOREBITCH!

Oh well, better luck next time I guess...

16 Baffling Warning Signs Which Will Bring About Your Death

16 Baffling Stick Figure Warning Signs - Bird Attack
Rest assured: I'm well aware that I've already published way too many pointless photo galleries of Nonsensical Warning Signs. I also know that I'm probably the only sentient creature in the universe who finds stick figures being dismembered so entertaining, but what can I say? I like 'em!

So for what is probably the last time, I've [borrowed] a bunch of signs from The Stick Figures In Peril Flickr Pool and reposted them here without getting permission from any of the wonderful people who actually took the time to photograph and upload them.
 
But hey, if you own any of these pictures and don't want some asshole like me using them, just Send Me An Annoyed Email and I'll remove them right away.

Web Detritus: Issue #151

Waterfall StairsA [Bi/Tri/Quad]weekly compilation of The Least Important Things On The Internet, as chosen by me, an idiot.

Inside this issue: What Certain Pets Taste Like, Horrifying 3rd World Movie Posters, Gruesome Punishments Throughout History, D and C-List Celebrities Making Asses Of Themselves, Lord Of The Flies In Real Life, A Mindblowing Video Which Will Swallow Your Soul and of course: The Latest In Shitty Fashions.

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex
If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.

Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."

So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped  ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."
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