The Old-Time Robot Comedian Stand-Up Comedy Hour

Robot Comedy
Built a standup comedian robot who has the ability to tell great jokes. Here is his latest set. Sorry it's all in caps but it is the way robots write.

Hope you like great jokes.

A Short List Of Gifts You Should Probably Buy For Me

Presents!
To My Family & Friend(s):
It has recently come to my attention that many of you view me as a selfish, emotionally distant, and frequently condescending jerk with little or no respect for the beliefs, traditions, or feelings of others. While I can definitely see how people may have arrived at these conclusions, I can assure you that some of them are almost certainly untrue. Untrue, and extremely hurtful. And although the lifetime of social and psychological torment I've suffered at the hands of my peers has blunted my emotions so thoroughly that slanderous accusations like these no longer trouble me, I still do not appreciate being made to hear them.
 
In any event, I'm not here to insult you by using this space to "tell you how sorry I am for the many cruel and hurtful things I've allegedly done to many of you out of disdain or apathy" or even to admit how I'm constantly "using feigned nonchalance and dry humor to keep everyone I know at arm's length so I don't have to deal with the painful feelings which inevitably arise in healthy 'two-way' relationships". No, I won't waste your time by apologizing for any of those things right now.
 
I'm here for one reason, and one reason only: To let you all know that I forgive you. Each and every one of you. And to prove it, I'm giving you all a gift: The gift of the good feelings which arise from doing something nice for another human being: Me.

Reader Mail: Ghosts, Fetishes, & Groin Tactics

Reader Mail Letters
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is entirely understandable.

But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot": Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another, significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics, simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.

Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've really got no one but themselves to blame.

Some people never learn.

Web Detritus #156: A Fistula Full Of Dollars

Horse Horsey With Ribbons Over Face
What follows is a 6-8 weeks worth of Internet which has been quintuple filtered through my Citalopram-addled brain and arranged in list form for your perusal. Each link comes highly recommended by me, but these recommendations should be taken with several mountains of salt, as I am afflicted with a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder which renders me almost completely incapable of predicting what People Who Are Not Me will find interesting, funny, or useful.

Nevertheless: Here's some of what I've dug up this time around: Suicidal Animals, What The Muppets Learned From Softcore Porn, Amusing Hatecrimes, Movie Poster Cliches, Non-Heroic Soldiers, Stoned Driving vs Drunk Driving, The Inherent Uselessness Of Creativity, Child Psychopaths, and Funcoland Training Videos Which Will Likely Make You Question The Existence Of God.

An Open Letter To No One In Particular

Raccoons Using The Bus Because They Can
Alright, look, I know letters from me are a dime a dozen, but I hope you’ll hear me out, because I have an axe to grind with you, and I'm afraid I can't just let sleeping dogs lie. I know what you're thinking: When it comes to dealing with me, if it's not one thing, it's another. But make no bones about it, there's a method to my madness, and once the cat is out of the bag, you'll be thanking your lucky stars that I got down to brass tacks instead of fudging and mudging like a lost dog in high weeds.

Rome wasn't built in a day. I think you'll agree that if we're going to make this partnership successful, we're gonna have to ensure that we're both on the same page.  Passing the buck is simply not an option at this point in time, so I strongly suggest we take that option off the table. Because if we don't, we'll be back to square one in a New York minute. And you can take that to the bank.

A Series Of Informational Pamphlets For The Elderly

Ballooning Pamphlet For The Elderly
I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion, despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.

As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To" pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens. 

"Shut It Down! Shut It Down!" (UPDATED 01.10.12)

Pursued By The Flames Of Judgement

To Whom It May Concern,
Cannot update site. Body being ravaged by illness. Possibly dropsy, lumbago, or grocer's itch. Unsure due to intense hallucinations and intermittent bouts of mental incoherence. Razorblade chesspiece wingman, all the waxen faces. Must travel inland and visit with physician straightaway.

Press thine lips to the breach and bask in the shadow of the sun.

Warmest Regards,
H.K. Richarson, Site Curator


01/10/12: Various personal issues have made it all but impossible for me to continue updating this site. In light of this, I am taking a temporary leave of absence from posting stupid shit on here. Christ knows how long I'll be away, but it shouldn't be more than a few months.

In any case, I'm sure you can find some more constructive ways to waste your time in my absence, like learning coin tricks, attempting to peel the entire skin of an orange off in one piece, or whatever else it is you people do in your spare time.

See you when I see you.


Web Detritus #155: The New Batch

Falling Guy Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in. Stick around, it's perfectly alright. I was just finishing up an article I intend to publish on the internet. It's mostly just a collection of links to news stories and articles I...was...hey, what're you doing? Oh my god, what the hell is that!? Oh my god. Oh my god! No! No! AUUGGHH! Help! Somebody help me! NRRGkerIJ IASD67ng,uj.

This week's top stories: Ingenious Bank Robberies Gone Wrong, Near-Death Experiences 'Splained By Science, What We Can Learn From Cinematic Time-Travellers, Why Media Piracy Is Worse Than Murder, Hip-Hop Lyrics Dissected By An Intelligent Man, The Perils Of Bestiality, And The Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time.

Web Detritus #154

Back Butterrer Butters BackSo hey: Here's another one of these link roundup things. This one is pretty hearty (plenty of links) so I suppose we better get started right away.

Topics covered include: US Destinations With Racist Names, The Least Untrustworthy Companies In The US, Maurice Sendak Calls A Guy A 'Flaccid Fuckhead', Cellphone Cancer, Some Prick Haunted House, The Most Bestest Scientists Ever, and Hotels Built To Facilitate Murder.
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