Some Kid Answers Your Questions About Monkey Butlers

Monkey Butler By Bobby Age 12
This is a Q&A which is meant to answer all the questions a laymen might have about monkey butlers. I think it's pretty self explanatory from here.

And if you didn't read the main Monkey Butler article: You Had Better Check It Out.






Q.
Wouldn’t the monkeys fling their feces all over your house and car? I don't want crap on my stuff.

A.
Maybe. They might do it. It's hard to predict the behavior of monkeys sometimes. Personally I've never actually seen a monkey fling crap in-person so it might be a myth. But then again I've never even seen a monkey except on TV, so I'm probably not the best source of information.

Where did you hear this stuff about crap throwing though? Did the animal planet say that? I suspect that those people make things up to try and start a rumble with me. If I ever visit the animal planet studios I am going to go to the reception desk and when the receptionist isn't looking I am going to knock the phone off the hook and take like fifty free animal planet pens. You can never have too many pens.




Birthday Monkey ButlerQ. So...where will you get the monkeys from anyway?

A. You know what? I don’t even think I’m going to answer that, just because of the asinine way you phrased it. God, what an ass!



Q. HEY HELLO WHERE CAN I GET MY OWN MONEY BULTER?!

A. Aaaaah! Why are you screaming at me? And Money Bulter? I don't even know what that is. You've got troubles, friend. But to answer the question I assume you were asking: No you can’t buy them yet. I haven't had a chance to get started. I have to find somewhere to get a good cup of coffee first. I haven’t had a good cup of coffee in a while. Do you know if that bookstore on 10th street sells coffee? I thought it might but I've never really had the courage to go in there. It looks like it might be a religious bookstore or something.



Monkey TroubleQ. So isn’t this a violation of the monkey’s rights?

A.
What are you some kind of monkey rights activist? Yeah, sure, monkey’s rights; that’s rich! Here’s a heads up for you Bubbo, monkeys don’t have rights like other animals. They are almost like people, maybe like babies, and we all know what rights babies have. That’s right, none:

  • Can babies vote? NO!
  • Can a baby open a jar? NO!
  • Do babies have jobs? NO!
  • Can babies drive a car? NO!
    Well...maybe a really smart baby could, but he would have to sit on some phone books or something, and even then he couldn’t work the gas pedals unless another smart baby did that for him. But still, that’s TWO babies driving. I only said one.



Q. Where will the monkey butlers sleep?

A. They sleep on the floor, or they sleep nowhere. What, will you have me believe that you are going to buy a tiny monkey-sized bed for a monkey? I would laugh in your face. Monkeys are about the same height as many Japanese people, and a lot of them sleep on the floor. At least I think they still do. My only source of information about Japan is 50s samurai movies. Would someone please write in and tell me if Japanese people still sleep on the floor?



HugQ. If I have they we start to become more than friends, should I exchange my sexmonkey for a different model?

A. First of all, there is only one model of monkey butler. This means you get one shot so try not to blow it. Hmm...that sure wasn't the best way to phrase that sentence was it?

Anyway, don't worry. Sexual feelings towards any style of butler are normal at first but they will fade in time. People appreciate the work the monkey butlers do for them, and so feel obligated to “repay” the monkeys in certain sexy ways.

We need not worry about such things. The monkeys will receive reward enough in the satisfaction they get from a job well-done. Remember, feelings are like the ebb and flow of the tides on this beautiful green and blue orb we call mother earth. Thus: when you reject your feelings, you reject the earth.



Q. So how will you train the monkeys to do all the things that a butler would do?

A. Allow me to answer your question with another question: Who is buying all those Mounds candy bars I always see around? I always see those candies on the shelves but I have never known anyone to buy a Mounds. I just don't understand who would eat those coconut turds.



After Hours Monkey ButlerQ. Will the monkey ever become agitated with the constant servitude and leap snarling into onto your chest, tearing at your eyes and gouging your tender face with it's tiny, razor sharp claws as you scream "get it off get it off get it off oh god please get it off" until finally tears into your jugular and misting the walls with your thick red blood?

 A. Yeah! I heard about that once! Some guy was teasing a monkey with a fishing pole or something and the monkey bent the bars on its cage and attacked him. Mangled up his genitals pretty bad too.



Reader Questions

Hannah Montana asks:
Q. Do you think a monnkey cound be on my show Hannh Montana you can have him adishen for my show at my studeo you cound make is so jackson take the monney home with him and do stuff with him if you like all give you my studeo address.

A. Thanks a lot for writing in little girl! Well I use the term "writing"deel loosely. Maybe you need to spend less time reading stupid articles about monkeys and more time studying. But I think I was able to understand your question. You are Hannah Montana and you want monkeys to come on your TV show. 

Maybe you can't read either though because this article is about Monkey Butlers, not Monkey Children's Television Show Guest Stars. So the answer is no, the monkeys do not appear on television shows because of all the loud noises and because they are butlers. 

That should conclude Monkey Butlers Q&A. If anybody has any more questions for me about monkey butlers they can contact this website by clicking that contact thing at the bottom of the page. But it's probaby better not to bother.