KIDZ KORNER: FIRE SAFETY TIPS FOR UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BASTARDS

Go ahead and play with matches. See if I care.
Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don't often hear after a fire is "Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the fire. It's a good thing they were properly educated in the art of fire safety."

This is not to say that children are worthless during a fire. Obviously their unconsious forms can be stacked against walls to facilitate access to otherwise unreachable portals of egress, and certainly fastening a number of the pudgier kids around your waist before you leap from a dangerous height would greatly improve your chances of surviving impact, but this isn't I'm talking about. This article is meant educate kids about how they can make themselves useful before they black-out, not after.

Now by this point you may be saying, "You talk a big game old man, but why don't you put your money where your fat mouth is and tell me exactly what I, the average non-firefighting child, can actually do to survive a fire?". A fair question, to be sure, but I'm not sure why you needed to phrase it so rudely. Honestly. I'm only trying to help here.

In fact, you know what? I'm not even sure a kid like you deserves quality fire safety tips. Why should I waste my time educating angry, spiteful little shits? Tell you what: Since you obviously aren't interested in my actual fire safety tips, I'll create a list of fire safety tips especially for undeserving, mouthy children who don't respect their elders.

This should teach you.


#1: HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE

Plan two ways out of your bedroom. The first is usually a door, and the second is almost always a window.

If your room doesn't have a window, it is probably because your parents don't love you. In fact, I'm positive they don't love you. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure they never even wanted you in the first place. You wouldn't even exist if they weren't irresponsible, sex-crazed alcoholics. Also the other kids at school think you're a dumb-looking poophead, and your parents got divorced because of you, the stupid little baby who's afraid of the dark and wets the bed.

Oh, and happy birthday.


#2: ATTEMPT TO EXTINGUISH THE FIRE YOURSELF

Fires need oxygen to survive, so when you come across a fire, the first thing you should do is break a nearby window and let the oxygen out of the house before smothering the fire with a pile of oily rags.

Then, cover your head with a plastic bag to keep the smoke out and hide in the cupboard so the fire can't find you. Oh, and don't make any noise. It distracts the firefighters.


#3: FIREPROOF YOUR HOME

Alright, time to get rid of all your toys and stuffed animals. Why? Because they're flammable, that's why. Now into the trash they go. But also...why do you even have them? Are you a baby or something? Yeah, I think you are. A big fat stupid baby. Because only babies have toys and stuffed animals. What? Oh, what's a matter? You gonna cry now baby? Awwww is the widdle baby gonna cry? Good! Go ahead! Go ahead and cry! It's not like anyone cares.

And I hope while you're crying you think about what you've done. Maybe next time you'll be more respectful when an adult takes time out of his busy schedule to write, format, and hastily edit an in-depth article about fire safety for an undeserving little brat like you.

You make me sick.


#4: CELEBRITY ADVICE

Surprisingly enough, the song "Get Low" by Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz is chock-full of useful fire survival advice for kids (couched in jocularity and ribaldry though they may be).

So what should one do when one is trapped in a burning room? Here's just some of the advice Lil gives us:

"Get low, get low, get low, get low"
Stay near the ground to minimize smoke inhalation

"To the window"
Make your way "to the window" to ascertain whether or not an escape via defenestration would be feasible.

"To to the wall"
If escape proves impossible, slump against "the wall" and prepare yourself for the unspeakable agony that is death-by-immolation.

"Til the sweat drops down my balls"
Hey look out. Fires are hot.

"Let me see you get low (You scared!) Drop that ass to the floor (You scared!)"
Again, stay close to the ground when making your way through dense smoke. In addition, you should understand that fear is a perfectly normal response to have in a lifethreatening situation. But you must not allow this fear to rule your thoughts and deeds, or cloud your judgment. Embrace fear. Use it as a source of strength in times of trouble.


#5: HOW TO USE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER

I bet your parents are hoarders aren't they? I wouldn't be surprised at all. It'd go a long way in explaining why you turned out the way you did (and also why you smell so bad).

In any case, here's some advice for you: Keep one of their urine-filled Mountain Dew bottles in your room to use as a makeshift fire extinguisher for when one of the cyclopean mounds of excrement-filled margarine containers, unused baby clothes, and piss-stained newspapers stacked around your front door bursts into flame and topples over, imprisoning your family and their treasured garbage possessions in a fiery, ammonia-stinking tomb of their own design.

Remember: It's not a question of if this will happen, it's a question of when. Honestly the only way you can really avoid it is by running away from home. So maybe think about doing that.  


#6: DON'T GO TO BED HUNGRY. MAKE SOME FOOD LIKE A BIG KID.

If you're hungry and your parents are asleep, feel free to use the gas stove to make some hamburgers for yourself. It's so easy, even a baby could do it (and you're not a baby, are you?). First, turn all of the knobs on the front of the stove as far as they go so they start making loud clicking noises. Seriously, go ahead. I asked your mommy and she said it was fine. Perfect. And now y--

Huh? What's that you say? You still don't feel like an adult? Hmm. Wait, I know something that'll help. What you're gonna wanna do it sneak up to mommy's room and root around in her purse until you find her cigarettes and some matches. Got them? Good. Might as well take some money out of there too while you're at it. She won't miss it, and she'd probably only use it to buy drugs anyway. Now, step out into the hallway, light the cigarette and take a few puffs. It's OK, I won't tell anyone. There you go...See? That wasn't so bad was it? Refreshing, right?

So NOW I bet you're feeling good-and-ready to cook like a real adult, right? Perfect. Let's move on. With the lit cigarette still hanging out of your mouth, head back downstairs to the kitchen and over to the stove and oh shit wait the gas is sti--hmm...yeah, it is isn't it? You know what? Nevermind. Nevermind, it's nothing, forget about it. I was just going to say the gas is still pretty cheap around here, isn't it? It's just that I gotta fill up before I go home, you know. Just popped into my mind. Not important. Let's go. Just keeeep on goin'!

Yep, into the olllld kitchen. Right on down the stairs. Kitchen, kitchen. Gotta love the kitchen. No better place, right? Kitchening it up. Make sure you keep that cigarette lit though! That's important. Very important. Maybe the most important thing of all. You'll see why in a second.

Oh, but hey, I'm just gonna go grab...something...out of the car? Yeah, that's right. Definitely. What is it? Well..It's...a present! Yep. A present for you. Really cool stuff. Unbelievable. So let me just sprint out there as fast as I can, and I'll be right back.

What? No. Of course I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm totally over it! Don't even worry. It's all good. Water under the bridge. Seriously, just go in the kitchen, smoke your cigarette, and wait for me in there. I'll be back in just a second with that present, I promise.

Riiight back...