5 (More) Hilariously Obscene Biblical Passages

bible action figure

 

Whether you believe it in or not, there's really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper.
 
And while I've probably already covered "The Worst Of The Worst" (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there are still a couple more--let's call them "tawdry"--passages I'd like to share with people who might not have actually read The Bible (you know, like most Christians?).
 
So here are five more crude and/or offensive Bible stories you may not have heard of.

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The Alphabet Of Swearing

 fcuk thsi

 

Recently I performed a search on the internet for "The Alphabet Of Swearing" in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing "Yahoo Answers" replies and an article or two from websites even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded.
 
Needless to say, I could not let this stand. A world in which a thoughtful list of curse-words for each letter of the alphabet did not exist somewhere on the internet was not a world in which I wanted to live.

This left me with two choices: I could either commit suicide, or create and publish the alphabet of swearing myself. So I decided to go with the list.

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Captain Planet is a Piece of Shit

Captain Planet Is A Shithead

When it comes to indescribably lame environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. Admittedly, this is mostly due to the fact that I can't think of any other environmental superheroes and can't be bothered to do any research, but it's also because he's a scantily-clad man with a green mullet whose only friends are the harem of children who dress like him and all wear matching jewelry which he himself has provided. Nothing strange about that, right?

Some might point-out that writing an article ridiculing Captain Planet is "the author of such an article kind of "dumb" and "obvious", and that "the author of such an article is really just picking low-hanging comedy fruit". But I would respond by ignoring those points and saying that one of the things I appreciate most about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. A person doesn't really even need to actively "make fun" of him, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. The character is clumsy earnestness made manifest, and I think that deserves some recognition.

So let's begin, won't us?
 

20 Photographs Of Things With Which I Have Filled This Article

20 Random Photos I Have Chosen To Fill Space In This Article - Angel Hitting Yourself

Apparently it's supposed to be the beginning of a new year or
something, so I figured now is as good a time as any to get rid of all
the excess photos I gathered throughout 2010 and never used due to the
fact that they were too abstract and/or stupid because seriously how
the hell was I ever supposed to fit a picture of a guy chewing on a
large board (see below) into an article?

Also, I have no sources for any of these images, so
if one of these pictures "belongs" to you and you feel like you want to
be credited for
it, send me a vaguely threatening email about it and I'll try to sort
it out.

But for now: Some pictures of things.

FAQ: The Wonderful World Of Manga

manga man

 

Obviously there are plenty of misconceptions out there about Manga, but this is certainly not uncommon among the higher arts. In fact, when Opera first came on the scene in the early 1600s, it faced many the same criticisms that manga currently does: "Oh, I can't understand what is happening," "Why is everyone screaming?" "Is there some reason all the characters are white?" "Why does every woman have a huge chest?" "Is it entirely necessary to to portray child molestation so graphically and enthusiastically?" and so on.
 
What these manga detractors fail to understand is that, like opera, manga is simply ahead of its time. It seems clear to me that those who hate manga are simply too boorish and uncivilized to appreciate such a sophisticated art form.
 
But enough of this. I've already given these detractors more time than they deserve. Let's get on with the questions!

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Strange & Fascinating Questions: Answered

tree wearing underwear

 

I've always been a huge fan of Slate.com's "Explainer" Series. Its purpose is simple: To answer (sometimes unasked) questions about various issues that come up in the news or everyday life. These questions run the gamut from basic trivia questions ("When Did Prisoners Start Dressing In Orange"), to the taboo or obscene ("What would happen if you snorted cremated remains", "Are Both Father And [Adult] Daughter Culpable In Cases Of Incest?") questions you've probably never allowed yourself to consider.
 
Of course, The Vast Archive Containing Hundreds Upon Hundreds Of These Questions is available for your perusal (and I encourage you to do so), but just in case you don't feel like spending all that time, I've compiled a list of 30 of the best ones here (without permission, naturally).
 
And if you think linking to a bunch of articles I didn't have anything to do with is just a cheap way of getting out of having to write anything: Congratulations, you are right. Welcome to the internet.

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FAQ: How To Be A Hugely Irresponsible Parent

cage kids

 

Having recently "reconnected" with many former highschool classmates online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional "slip-up" can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is beyond my comprehension.
 
The only logical explanation I can come up with is that people who have children purposefully must be mentally deranged in some fashion. For truly, what possible reason could a rational human being have for sacrificing eighteen years of freedom, privacy, financial security, and any semblance of a social life for a few fleeting moments of narcissistic parental ecstasy, aside from full-on gibbering madness? I definitely can't think of any.
 
But hey, I'm not supposed to be discussing the pros and cons of parenting, I'm supposed to be posting a FAQ on how to be a hugely irresponsible one.
 
So here. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied.

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The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC

my pc is cooled by the blood of our savior
 

The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured, heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice into the gaping orifice of your souls!
 
Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and non-catholic pedophiles of the world, We Christians prefer to take advice from those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing things in the godliest way possible.
 
So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.

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Terrible Business Cliches That Should Fill You With Rage

fuck you, business

 

A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing someone use the phrase "Let's Touch Base", are overcome by an uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the speaker's neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop of a crushed trachea.
 
And who can blame them? The absurd language of "business" has no place within a civilized society such as ours. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that a brutal, fully-conscious strangulation may even be too merciful a punishment for those who willingly use terms like "Team Player" and "Think Outside The Box" without hint of shame or sarcasm.
 
But anyway, if you want to ensure you're not gonna be throttled to death by some guy who doesn't like you talking like a corporate piece of shit, you should probably go ahead and check out this list of awful business terms which fill me with an impotent rage.

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