Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Growing OldNobody
ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t
care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the
world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as
he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in
the road.

Frankly, if people like this would just take the time to learn about
the elderly instead of deliberately running down helpless animals in
the street, perhaps this world would be a better place. So, for the
sake of education: Here is a Q&A in which I answer most (if not
all) of the questions you might have about the elderly and growing old.

Awful Sci-fi Tech: Dune

Dune Fatman

Many science fiction films portray the future as a beautiful place
where sleek chrome ships glide through skies, cybernetic servants cater
to our every whim, and war is but a distant memory. In Dune
however, the future is apparently the 70s. Drab, puffy-haired men
wander around cheap sets in a druggy haze while mumbling vaguely religious
threats, everyone wears unflattering jumpsuits, and seemingly,
only three colors of paint exist: brown, green, and burnt orange. But
most importantly, Dune takes place in a
future where humans have seemingly disregarded all previous technological
advancements in favor of a bunch of crappy stuff they found in junkyard somewhere.

George Lucas In The Bathroom

Parking Lot

pulled into the lot and George swung the car into a handicapped space.
I furrowed my brow and peered at the blue sign through the cracked windshield.

“As far as I know,” I said, “You aren’t a handicap.”

is justice.” He said, pushing the car door open with his knee. “Why
should a cripple get a free ride? Let him put on a stained white work
shirt. Let him push despair into the pit of his belly and smile at the
customers. I say put down the crutch and pick up a shovel; There’s work
to be done.”

Tommy's Resume

Resume Guy

Hi my name is Tommy and I am 36 years old. I am looking for a good job
and be paid money so I can buy one playstations three entertainment
game system. I am a very good worker and aiming for the star. Also this
is called a resume and it has pictures in it too. They said to me tommy
a resume doesnt have to have pictures maybe it shouldnt but I think
people like pictures and anyhow it looked real boring.

Amazing Actors: Samuel L. Jackson & John Travolta

Amazing Actors

By The Baron
Some people respect doctors, but I think acting is the noblest career a
man can have. Can you think of another job where you make people’s
lives better and are also respected for it? Of course you can’t. This
series is dedicated to the best of the best in the acting field. These
are the greatest performers of our generation, they make us laugh and
cry and fall in love (with them). Be sure to have a tissue handy too,
because some of the movie memories I unearth are real tearjerkers. A
real man isn't afraid to cry.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires

Vampire Slide

By Henry

For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living
in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking
the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person
a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may
never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning
something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research
I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 1: Restrooms


By Kevin

Certainly you’ve met others in your life who you would consider
to be “rude”. Some murmur loudly while chewing their food, some knock
over the elderly in order to get a better spot in line, and then there
are those who would reach in to grab a piece of gum out of your mouth
before you’ve even finished chewing it. But who can you turn to when
you need to find out if something is “impolite”? Miss Manners? If you
want to listen to that senile old bag, go right ahead and waste your
time. But if you’d rather learn about manners by reading a ridiculous
article written by an anonymous author on a no-budget website that absolutely no one reads, please

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies


By Henry

Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is
likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures
which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have
been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on
display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one
or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into
some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just
learn a thing or two about mummies.

Sainted / Tainted 1: Busrides & Watery Graves

Sainted / Tainted

By Kevin

a stranger in need will bring no reward, and thoughtlessness breaks no
law. How can one publicly shame those who wrong them while
simultaneously commending anonymous do-gooders? By writing to the
Sainted/Tainted portion of the local newspaper, that's how! Here are a
few selected entries we've compiled from the most prestigious papers
around the globe.