Life of the Party: Exotic Dancing Service!

Pole Dancer

Say goodbye to dull and uninteresting parties forever, with
Life of the Party Exotic Dancing service! Here’s how it works:
Simply call our toll free, easy-to-dial 800
number (1-800-544-1345) and Life of the Party will possibly send one of our
kooky and erotic strippers to the venue of your choice, absolutely free of
! They might show up, but then again, they might not! The mystery is part
of the fun with Life of the Party Exotic Dancers! You supply the barbeque,
we supply the beef!

How To Shop For a New Car

New CarBuying
a new car can be a stressful experience, and people usually have plenty
of questions about the process. How does negotiation work? Is the
dealership trying to rip me off? Do I need rustproofing? What happens
if I plow through a bustling outdoor marketplace on a test drive,
killing dozens; isn’t the salesperson responsible?

 I’m sure you’re
sitting there smugly mouthing the answers to these without even
thinking about it, but you’d be surprised at how many of us can’t do
that. Not everyone can be as great as you, you know. Jeez.

Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness

once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on
and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would
follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became
worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too
harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all
wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was
part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said
“I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by
the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into
two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 2: Table Manners

Table Manners

manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For
example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the
back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early
Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to
ensure good digestion? Perhaps you’ve heard that in 16th century China,
chewing with your mouth open was believed to have been poor luck for
gamblers. Pretty interesting huh? Well, maybe not quite as interesting
as you may have thought, because it turns out that those were
all lies. Not even remotely true. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?
So anyway, now that I’ve taught you all a valuable lesson about
dishonesty in modern society, I present to you this hard-hitting look
at table manners around the world. I would also like to point out that
it would probably be considered no-holds-barred, and also that it pulls
no punches. So look forward to that.

Behold! For I am Otherkin! (Feel My Power)

Otherkin is a lot like being black in the 50s. What I mean by this is
that coming out of the closet as an Otherkin (like coming out as a
black person) can be dangerous to your health. I personally have had
people shout slurs at me in the park, had a large carton of
Whoppers candy thrown at my back, and been denied a position in data
entry simply because I am not shy about telling people that my body
contains the soul of an ancient dragon named Stryyker.

So since not
many people in the world seem to understand what it means to be an
Otherkin, I figured I would write this Q&A to straighten you
people out. 

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 4: Urban Environments


most people think about survival they usually imagine themselves
hurling crude spears at boars in the Amazon, or brushing snow from
their beard as they slog through waist-high snow wearing a bearskin
overcoat. These images come from the most common survival scenarios
(Disastrous Jungle Treasure Hunt & Arctic Plane Crash,
respectively) but it’s important to remember that in some rare cases
you may need to “survive” in urban environments as well. In this guide
we’ll discuss some useful urban survival techniques such a tailing a thief, surviving a riot, and gently stroking your
zombified uncle’s thinning hair as he sputters and dies of multiple
shotgun blasts to the face and eyes.

Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)


Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would
brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive
arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic
experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to
try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each
of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you
decide which you're going to go for.

Awful Scifi Tech: The 6th Day & Total Recall (Creepy Android Edition)

6th Day

By Kevin
Funnyman Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in two reasonably popular science fiction films, The 6th Day and Total Recall.
Aside from taking place in the future and being goofy to the point of
near insanity, these films also share another common trait: They both
contain supercreepy androids. In The 6th Day it’s SimPal Cindy, a gape-mouthed animatronic mannequin child with beady eyes. In Total Recall
it’s JohnnyCab, who looks a bit like an evil ventriloquist dummy
version of Don Knotts dressed like a 1920s bus driver. Be warned that
this article contains a number of frightening pictures and videos of
these creatures, so it should probably not be viewed by small children
or pets.