I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion, despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.
As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To" pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens.
It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of 9/11. It Just So Happens That I Have That Information.
On Sunday, September 11th 2011, I went through took some screen captures of the "Most Popular Stories" sections of various news websites (CNN, Fox News, Time, ABC News, The Huffington Post, MTV News, The Guardian, E! Online, The BBC) because I thought it'd be interesting to see what sorts of things people were reading.
But don't worry, this isn't political commentary or a somber, teary-eyed tribute to the victims of 9/11. Lucky for you, I have very little respect for arbitrary days of remembrance. It seems awfully silly to be "extra sad" on a particular iteration of a holiday simply because happens to be divisible by a nice round number. Also, it bugs me how successful most news outlets are at using milestones like these to squeeze a bunch of extra advertising dollars out of the public. I guess the point I'm trying to make is: People be gullible, yo.
Anyway, to summarize: I took some screenshots from a bunch of news sites on 9/11/2011 and if you suspect you might be interested in what other people were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you might want to take a quick look.
You will find them listed below, in no particular order. Godspeed. (And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way)
Question: Do you enjoy viewing amateur art drawn by fans of various things? If so, this may be just the article for you.
But before I get started, I'd like to make it clear that my intention is not to cut down or ridicule the artists behind these images, as I feel that doing so would be inexcusably cruel (even by my fairly loose moral standards). And frankly, even if I did want to make fun of this stuff, I'm not sure I'd even know where to begin. I mean, I have a hard enough time writing jokes about things I can comprehend, so there's probably no point in me trying to wring extra humor out of something as mystifying as a bunch of deeply religious Naruto sketches someone posted to Deviantart.
So that why for this gallery, I'm playing it straight. No smart-ass jokes or pointless captions to distract you from the photos. So come right in and pull up a chair. There's more than enough lunacy to go around.
Rest assured: I'm well aware that I've already published way too many pointless photo galleries of Nonsensical Warning Signs. I also know that I'm probably the only sentient creature in the universe who finds stick figures being dismembered so entertaining, but what can I say? I like 'em!
So for what is probably the last time, I've [borrowed] a bunch of signs from The Stick Figures In Peril Flickr Pool and reposted them here without getting permission from any of the wonderful people who actually took the time to photograph and upload them.
But hey, if you own any of these pictures and don't want some asshole like me using them, just Send Me An Annoyed Email and I'll remove them right away.
If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.
Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."
So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."