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How To Escape From The Cops

Let’s say you are accused of murdering a young girl. Forget about whether you are innocent. What would you do? Think long and hard about it. Those of you who have seen the The Fugitive will know that being accused of crime is no laughing matter. Every year thousands of Americans are being falsely accused of crimes they didn’t commit, and there is nothing they can do about it but head into their prison cell, drop their pants, bend over facefirst onto the bed, and spank their own bare little butt. I’m sorry to be so graphic but that’s reality.

But what most people don’t know is that the US Bill of Rights says Americans have the right to refuse arrest. The procedure is complex so you should ask a judge about it, but I’ll give a brief overview in the article below if you’re interested in learning more.

But let’s get on with the show were I let you in on some of the best ways to ditch Smokey the Bear when he rolls up behind you with his Cherry-Poppers lit.

Take it to the Freeway

There’s a reason you often see crooks speeding down the freeway during a high-speed chase: It works! Freeways are an amazing way to get up speed (and keep it up) ensuring that you leave those boys-on-blue in the dust!

But remember, this strategy only works if your car’s got the muscles (and street-smarts) to handle it! Trying to outrun a police cruiser in a Corvelle or Camaro is simply cruisin for a bruisin. But with a hot car like a Eastern muscles car like a Lexus, it’s a no-brainer! If there’s one thing you can’t deny: China knows how to build cars with spunk in them. So put your petals to the metal and rock your way to freedom!

DRIVE A SUV

Many of us (myself included) choose to drive an SUV Vehicle. The reasons for this should be obvious: Suvies are safer, more comfortable, less prone to rollovers, more reliable, and more manly than any car except pickup trucks. But most importantly, suvies can go OFF-ROADIN!

Now you might be asking yourself right about now, “What how are all these things going to help me escape the police thats crazy?” Well I’m glad you asked, because I’m about to drop some knowledge into your mouth right about now. Here’s are two (count-em) bodacious ways that only SUV owners can outwit the cops:

1. Head Off On The Dirty Highway

No, I don’t mean a highway that hasn’t been cleaned recently, dummy, I mean off-road! If you’re being tailed by a snoop and want to lose them quick, point your suvie off into a corn field, down a mountain pass, or into a stream. The cop obviously won’t be able to follow you, and will quickly give up in shame.

2. Golden Showers Bring The Flowers

Wait until it is raining to make your clean getaway. It’s commonly known that suvies can perform better under rainy conditions than any other car (due to the thick tires etc). This includes cop cruisers. So do what it takes during a rainstorm to get the heck out of dodge. Slam on the brakes, take a sharp corner at high speed, climb a wet-seeped hill. Unlike your pursuer your 4 wheel drive can handle anything mother nature throws at it, and more!

Off With Their Headlights

Sorry daytime business communers, but this little beauty only works at night. This trick is just as simple as it sounds: If it’s dark out and you’re being followed by police, flip off your headlights. Tell me this: When’s the last time you saw a car at night with no headlights on? That’s right never. So as they might say in those 1960s cop shows: If you’re being tailed by Bob Law, flip off your peepers and slide on off the road and into a ditchy-witchy. The fuzzy will roll right on by and you’ll be enjoying a double stackaroo at Clown Burger in no time. Roff!

Drive Across Country Lines

Many people scuff the notion that movies can teach us anything about the world. But this is one area where the movies are actually pretty derned true to life! So long as you are not being pursued by what are known as “International Troopers” (a group of elite police with world-wide judician) you can easily end any police chase simply by driving across the (usually imaginary) border into another country. Cross the line and that belligerent, wife-assaulting, fear-driven brown-person-murdering lawman will be left to shake his fists at you from the window of his squaddie (police lingo for cop car).

The reason this works should be obvious: Police officers have jurisdictions. These are the only areas in which they are allowed to operate. Think of police as butchers. Steve the Butcher doesn’t go into Tom the Butcher’s shop and fool around with the meat. Separate businesses, separate meats. It’s exactly the same with the cops. A sheriff who works for Anderson County is not going to drive across county lines just to pound his meat in the face of a Cook County officer. It’s called professional courtesy. Deal with it.

Lock Your Car Doors

According to Occmans’s Razor (which I often like to reference) the simplest solution is always the correct one. Which is to say: Why bother with a high speed chase when simply locking your doors will do? The next time an officer pulls you over, lock your doors and pretend to be asleep. Here’s why: The law states that a police officer is NOT LAWFULLY ALLOWED access to your car without either:
A. Express Written Permission From You
B. A Search Warrant

Needless to say you won’t be giving your written permission to him anytime soon (you’re sleeping!), and as for the warrant? The officer would have to drive to the courthouse to obtain one from a clerk. Not going to happen. Remain in your car until the cop goes on break (these are mandatory, and all law enforcement officers are REQUIRED by the government to take them) and then put your car into neutral and roll quietly away into the gloom.

And if you ever happen to come across a crooked copper who breaks your windows: All the better. You’ll be able to sue him for constitutional bereavement. Not to mention damage to your public property. Needless to say, you’ll have quite a payday at that officer’s expense! Take that, uncle Sam!

IN SUM

That should about wrap up my top tips and tricks for avoiding the fuzz. Make sure to keep your boners peeled on this site for the next article in this series in which I discuss surviving your basic police encounters (traffic tickets, rubdowns, etc).

But until then…stay safe citizen!

 

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