How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are

FightI don't know anything about fighting, but I do know plenty about avoiding fights. I've been doing it all my life. Mostly it's because of my face. It isn't that great-looking or anything, but I worry about it sometimes. See, it's a good bet that if someone hit me in the face they'd cave my nose in or something. Then where would I be? I'd have to go around with some crooked ass Owen Wilson nose for the rest of my life and I really don't think I have the charisma to pull that sort of thing off.
 
So anyway whether you're a fellow sissy looking to pick up some crying tips, or a lifetime bully who'd just like to know the mindset of the guy who quietly murmurs something and closes his eyes when you threaten him with violence, I'd definitely suggest that you read on to hear some of my best pain-avoidance tricks. Who knows? You might just learn a little something about what it means to be a man (not true).
 

Run

Run AwayHere's a good myth: The best way to win a fight is by simply walking away. Yeah. Right. Thanks for the hot tip, Chacho. While I appreciate the sentiments behind this advice ("Be the bigger man!" "Don't give into violence!"), it really isn't practical at all. If you grope the girlfriend of some meth-addled trucker and he wants to kick your ass, turning your back on him probably isn't the best thing for you to do at that point. He'll just go, "Nice, thanks!" and cave in the back of your skull.
 
So no, walking away isn't going to solve anything. RUNNING? That's another story. My motto has always been: They can't punch you if they can't catch you! The way I do it is: Act like I'm going to fight them, get all into it, start yelling and screaming like, "COME ON YOU BASTARD! COME ON! I'LL CUT YOU! I'LL CUT YOU GOOOOOD!" and then out of nowhere I'll just turn and book it out of there as fast as I can. I'm a pretty fast runner, so I can usually get away. Also, if you factor in the extra burst of speed I often get due to being terrified of being punched, I've got an even better chance of escaping.
 
Best case scenario? They get all confused, giving me just the head start I need to duck around a corner and cower behind the counter in the deli. Worst case? They catch me and beat the hell out of me anyway.
 
Either way, nothing lost.

 

Feign Mental/Illness

Mental IllnessThis one is handy in situations where you've accidentally done something stupid to the wrong stranger and now they want to beat the hell out of you. Take a car accident for example: You run a stop sign and smash right into the side of some hick's new truck. As you step out of your car, and he storms up to you, screaming and ready to fight. If you're a good enough actor you can probably play on his sympathies enough to get him to back off. Check out this list of personality traits. The more of these you're able to fake, the less likely an attacker is to hit you:
 
1. Lisp
2. Stutter
3. British Accent (Possibly). While most people find a British accent charming, there are some who find those who use it grating and pompous. Use with care.
4. Mental Retardation. It may not be politically correct, but if it gets you out of a beating, I say go for it.
5. Bum Arm/Leg. Actions like limping, dragging one foot behind you as you walk, and curling your fingers into a ball can elicit feelings of sympathy from attackers. If you can also gaze up at the sky and say something folksy like "Hmm...sterm must be a-brewin...I'kn feel it in me leg. Always give me fair warnin' fer foul weather, th'old leg'a mine. Oh werr-a-werr-a-werr-a." this will help a great deal too.
7. Deafness. It isn't as easy as it seems, but pretending to be deaf is a good way to get sympathy.  
 
Again, none of these is guaranteed to work, but the idea is to REDUCE YOUR CHANCES OF RECEIVING A BEATING in any way possible. So try a few out.
 

Cry

Man CryingMost people will dismiss this tip out of hand, but it truly is an effective beating-deterrent most of the time. It works especially well if you're a grown man. Just imagine the puzzling mix of shock, pity, disgust, and scornful delight an attacker would feel if a grown man simply began sobbing, grasping at his leg and blubbering, "Please don't hurt me! *sniff* Oh pleeeeasse don't! *snort* Mooommmyy, Maaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa-mmyyyy!" with tears streaming down his face. He wouldn't know what to think. But more importantly, he also wouldn't know what to do. You can't just start hitting a guy while he's doing that. Well, I suppose you COULD, but someone that evil is pretty rare (and probably would've beat you up anyway).
 
If you start sobbing, most people would just laugh in disbelief and walk away muttering about how pathetic you are. And that's the key to another important lesson I've learned in life: They can't take away dignity you do not have.
 
 

That Goes Double For You, Women

Woman CryingI know I gave an example which involves a man crying, but this method works even better if you are a Woman. For one, you're not supposed to hit a woman (for SOME reason), and two, you DEFINITELY aren't supposed to hit a woman who's crying. Pretend crying is not only a great way out of a fight, it's a great way out of almost any undesirable situation! Boss yelling at you? Start crying. Cop pulls you over? Start crying. Kids won't stop fighting? Cry it up.
 
And, if you REALLY want to get the point across, pretend you're pregnant too. People eat that shit up! Let's say you're in a bank when suddenly a group of men run in with high-powered rifles planning to rob the bank. You'll almost certainly be taken as a hostage. But who wants to take a pregnant woman hostage? That's right: Nobody. So curl up on the floor and clutch you stomach while sobbing, "My baby! Oh god, my baby which I am 8 months pregnant with! Oh loord! Oh lordd spare my baby for every child is a life!" Not only will they let you go free, but one of them'll probably help you out to your car himself. Sheeeat, you women have got it made in the shade.


Feign A Heart Condition

Funny Heart AttackThis tip is specific to older men and women. When you're this age, getting out of a fight is easy for one reason: Old people always have heart attacks. Any time you feel threatened, all you need to do is squeeze your face up, clutch your chest with one hand and cry, "My heart!" and fall to the ground. If your attacker still doesn't believe you, produce a bottle of pills, sputter the words "my pills". and then proceed to fumble with the cap in a feeble attempt to open it.
 
"I'm gonna kick your ass, pops!" quickly turns to, "Somebody call 911, this mature gentleman is having a heart attack!" At this point you can either try to escape before the ambulance arrives (not likely) or just ride to the hospital with them, check in under a false name, and then slip out that night under the cover of darkness. It's that easy.
 

Call the Cops & Lie

Call CopsThis one is my personal favorite: Threatening to call the cops at the slightest provocation. Like if you bump into a guy at the beach and he starts yelling at you, immediately say, "That's it I'm calling the police." If he still doesn't back off, call them and say something like: "Can you guys come quick I accidentally spilled my drink on this guy at a bar and he threatened me and said he was going to kill me and he has a knife and says go ahead call the cops I'll carve me off a slice of bacon and could you please come quick thanks." and then hang up.

Obviously none of this really happened, but when the police get there, they're going to be more likely to believe you (a loser wearing tiny shorts, a pink Ninja Turtles hat, and a frontpack) than some pot-bellied guy in a yellow muscle shirt who sweats Bud Light. You can probably rile him up enough to get him sent to jail for at least the night, especially if he's been drinking. 


Just Be Pathetic

The thing angry people hate most is seeing and hearing happy, successful people. If some sociopath is stalking through the park at night looking for a fight, he's usually gonna be more prone to take out his aggressions on some sunny extrovert in a business suit, not some sad-sack piece of crap in a silk Dragon Ball Z t-shirt with six days growth of beard.
 
Follow these rules:


1. No whistling. Not only does whistling signify happiness, it's also very annoying. So cut it out.


Pathetic Nerd2. No skipping. Don't skip around. This should go without saying, but most people hate skippers. I know if I saw someone skipping around I'd certainly want to cut their face up a bit, so you can be assured potential attackers will use this as an excuse to assault you as well.


3. Get fat. It's a proven fact: The fatter you are, the less likely it is you are going to be assaulted or robbed. Have you ever heard of some morbidly obese guy in one of those courtesy carts getting mugged? No, of course you haven't. It never happens.


4. Walk a few feet behind a significant other. Seeing an attractive and apparently happy couple together will send many violent maniacs into a blind rage. So play it safe when walking through a bad part of town and separate. For example: allow your girlfriend or wife to lead the way while you follow 100 or so feet back with your hands in your pockets, kicking at trash in the street and muttering "Jeepers. What a lousy deal; what a bum rap." Alternatively, you could also break up.


5. Above all, remember: Just Be a Pathetic Piece of Human Garbage. You don't want anyone to say "Look at that asshole, I want to bash his brains in." you want them to say "Look at that poor asshole, at least I'm better than him. What a loser piece of shit."


But hey, that's really all I've got on avoiding fights. That's good enough, right? I sure hope so.