folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with
some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good.
Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense
approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample
behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles
out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.
But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be
"Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss
books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What
you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice.
What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.
And by God I intend to give it to you.
Taking The Stairs Isn't Going to Do Shit
tubby, you think just 'cause you take the stairs instead of the
elevator you're gonna lose weight? Not a chance! Yeah, I know, you read
it in the Readers Digest or what-have-you and you thought it would be a
fine idea. Lemme tell you: It isn't. Climbing stairs burns about 7
calories a minute. So unless bloated pieces of garbage are planning on
walking up and down those stairs for hours and hours, it isn't even
gonna make a DENT in that ham, cheese, and Twix omelet you eat
breakfast every morning. Don't why even bother?
And also, thin folks don't want you on those stairs anyhow. Hell
they don't! Skinny people have places to go too, and every time you
take those stairs you're sentencing them to about 6 minutes of watching
your cheeks wobble as you strain to heft each of your roast beef thighs
up the steps in turn, grunting and sweating as an endless stream of
noxious White Castle vapor billows out of your lower intestine. It just
So cancel your subscription to "The Digest", it's time to make a new
subscription: A subscription to "Stop Fucking Crumbling An Entire
Goddamned Bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos On An Extra Large Sausage &
Cottage Cheese Pizza And Eating It, You Sausage-Fingered Freak"
Yeah, Have Some Low-Calorie Potato Chips. That'll Help.
knew an overweight fella who claimed he had been buying
low-calorie snacks for years and didn't lose a bit of weight. In fact,
he actually GAINED weight. He came to me in tears; he said to
"Phil--gosh darnint--how can this be? I'm eating right but I have yet
to drop a single pound. I'm at my wit's end. I've even noticed my 2
year old daughter putting on weight, I think it's because of the way my
wife and I eat. What can I do?"
And do you know what I said to him? I said, "Listen up fatso, the
reason you haven't lost any weight is because instead of eating one bag
of 200 calorie chips, you ate four bags of the low calories ones!
You're weak, and buying less-filling snacks isn't going to change that.
You've failed yourself, and you've failed that sweet fat baby daughter
of yours. 10-to-1 your wife's already stepping out on you with a
grocery clerk, and do you know what's gonna happen to that girl of
yours if she grows up all plumped? Shoot, most men won't so much as say
hello to a larger lady unless she's got money to burn or unless she
offers herself up for a roll in the sack. Dollars to donuts, your
inability to limit yourself to a single pack of 100-calorie Oreos
instead of eight has doomed that pudgy, innocent little girl to a life
of opiate-assisted whoredom, and that's a damn shame."
A few days later I heard he had swallowed both barrels of a shotgun
after binging on an entire case of day-old sweet rolls. Just goes to
show you that some people just aren't cut out for a healthful life!
Stick To All-Natural Foods...If You're a Moron
Any time one of these hemp condom wearin', filthy dreadlock-braidin'
granola rapists tells me that an all-natural or "organic" diet keeps
them healthier, I laugh right in their wispy-bearded faces. There ain't
nothing more or less fattening about all-natural foods.
Let's go ahead and see if we can't fatten up an already fat fatso with
a bunch of fatty fat foods which are available from organic sources:
A Stick of All-Natural Butter Eaten Like a Candy Bar. 10 Strips of
An Entire Bag of Organic Chocolate Chips. All-Natural Brown Sugar
Scooped From The Bag With a Meaty Paw.
A Tube of Nature's Own Flavored Squeeze Lard Sliding Past The Lips and
Down a Swollen Throat.
See, many of y'all assume that it's the preponderance of
"highly-processed" (EVIL) foods which has made modern humans so
Get real fatties, because Phil Don't Play That. As a scholar of history
as well as a certified television Doctor I can tell you that throughout
history, GIGANTIC ASSES ABOUND. Don't believe me? Take a gander
|Venus of Willendorf
|Alessandro del Borro
|William Howard Taft
I promise you that not one of these fatties was stuffing their face
full of Ring Dings or Fruit-By-The-Foots while watching Speed on TNT.
They got this huge on all-natural food. Here's the bottom line:
When All Else Fails: Pretend You Aren't A Biggun
I know y'all probably don't enjoy being fat, and I don't blame you.
There isn't a man alive who enjoys being laughed at by a bunch of rowdy
teenagers as he fruitlessly attempts to squeeze himself into a booth at
Denny's. There's no woman on earth who's proud to have to stop and
catch her breath every few steps simply because a light wind is blowing
in the opposite direction in which she happens to be traveling. And no
child I know brags to his friends about the fact that his
strength/weight ratio is so low that if he were to fall on his back
when nobody was around, he would be unable to right himself and would
simply die of starvation soon thereafter.
"I'm not fat," you'll gasp indignantly as you clutch your chest after
another round of pressing Ho-Ho after Ho-Ho into your permanently
slackened jaw, "I've got supertasters! I've got a thyroid condition! I
have high blood sugar! I've got the rickets! I've got the restless leg
syndrome! I swear I do!"
Say it enough times and you might even start believing it yourself.
I think I'll end this little sermon of mine with a little saying
abusive daddy always used to use: You can't slip n' slide more hogs
with lemons than you did with lemonade, but a pig's eye in a tree is
worth four chickadees if two in the bush are a friend indeed. And don't
wear white after labor day.