Martin "The Baron" Hubley
would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your
belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including
the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't
be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly!
I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do
crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a
hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal.
Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich
man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he
was only trying to survive.
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is
to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your
neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all
part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips
I have for securing your home against invaders.
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on
the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I
write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)
1. Get An Alarm System
First of all, you can bet your sweet biffy I'm not talking about one of
those expensive electronic alarm system like you see on the TV screen.
Systems like these are nothing more than a worthless scam (ever hear of
a wire cutter? Thiefs have!) meant to grub money from the unsuspecting
public. But you don't need to spend thousands to secure your home. No
sir. You can create your own custom home-made security system which
will alert you to the presence of an intruder instantly. And best of
all, it's free!
Before you're safely knustled into bed at night, stack up some old pans
or cookery against the front door. If a would-be thief comes a callin',
he'll swing the door open and send the whole kitten kaboodle crashing
to kingdom come and sending that thief running to the hills! Better
still, use a bunch of glass cups not only will he create a racket, but
you've also just created a guntlet of razor sharp glass in your
entryway. Try walking through that, crime doggies. YOWCH!
Create a Crunch Trap
Sprinkle some mixed nuts or crumbled chips on the floor in front of the
bedroom doors in your home. If a prowler does ever happen to
get past your other security measures (yeah...not going to happen) this
will be your last line of defense between yourself and being robbed.
The concept is so simple even a child could understand: The evil
criminal creeps silently through your house. He's riding high on his
horse until...he reaches your door and CRUNCH SNAP CRUNCH. Grab
your gun, open the door, and start blasting.
Bet you never thought your life would be saved by popping a pringle.
Just goes to show you how little the average person knows about home
Make Your Own Locks
If your locks aren't functioning (or you've lost the key) you can
easily build your own locking system that's as good (or better) than a
conventional lock our of common household materials such as bungee
cords, tape, and superglue. I really don't have time to go into it now
but needless to say: Those who learn this skill sleep much easier than
the average bear!
NOTICE: If you have a sliding glass door, get rid of it. These
doors are a crime waiting to happen, and there is currently no way safe
way to safely secure one of these doors. Until you are able to remove
it and replace it with brick or steel, staple a piece of plywood or
paperboard with the words "KEEP OUT DANGER" painted on to the outside
of the frame. This is more than enough to keep most burglars shivering
out in the cold, but this is only a short term solution to a long term
2. Use All Four Senses
Even the best alarm system can't compare to the silent alarm system you
were born with: Your body. Not only is your body beautiful but it can
also be used as a crime fighting tool. Here are a few common scenarios
in which each of your four senses can save you from being a victim of
You see someone you don't know walking down the street in your
neighborhood and you call the police. Remember, always call the police
if you see someone you don't know or a relative who is acting
suspicious (i.e. hands in their pockets, frowning, etc.)
Train yourself to recognize those tell-tail audio signs of a break-in
in progress. Little sounds you may hear every day (such as screams,
grunts, muffled thumps, splintering wood, moans, howls, creaks,
booming, gruff voices, and breaking glass)
are among the first signals that a burglary is taking place in your
home. Don't turn a deaf ear to these clues!
Crime doesn't pay. If you smell or sense a crime in progress, run from
the area immediately! You don't want to get charged with being a
witness to a murder...or worse being charged with the murdering.
When you arrive home from church or work, use your sense of touch to
your advantage. Touch a doorknob to see if it is warm (if it is,
someone may just have used it!)
3. Hide a Key for Emergencies
If you read a lot of these other "home security" guides (written by
amateurs) they tell you not to hide a key outside your home. What these
geniuses fail to realize is that if a person happens to forget his or
her key and locks the door, they will not be able to return to their
own home! At best they will have to call a locksmith to let them in,
and at worst the home will have to be sold as "inaccessible" and
demolished by the bank because the owner will have defaulted on the
loan by not being able to reach his checkbook.
DO NOT allow this to happen to you. Hide a key somewhere
outside. The "key" (pun intended!) is to make sure you hide it
somewhere smart, somewhere that no robber would ever think to look.
Here are a few suggestions:
In a Hole
Dig a hole in the grass or a garden near the door and bury the key
there. Place a marking flag or broken twig in the ground to mark the
In the Gutter
Read my lips: Three simple steps. 1. Slit a hole in a tennis ball. 2.
Tape it shut. 3. Put your key inside and throw it up onto the roof so
it rolls into the gutter. If you're ever locked out it's easy enough to
get. Either climb onto the roof or pull down the gutter. They're fairly
easy to replace, and not too expensive. But anyway, you can't put a
price on home security.
Under The gnome
If you don't have a plastic gnome birdbath in your yard: Get one. This
is the ultimate place to hide a key. Simply tip the gnome up, place the
key underneath, and set it back down. Then fill the top with water. No
criminal will be smart enough to look in such a place, and even if they
do, they can't get to the key without spilling water everywhere,
including on themselves, which can be helpful in identifying them later
(from stains on clothes, footprints they leave, etc).
4. Crime Doesn't Take a Vacation & Neither Should You!
you might enjoy heading out for a week of fun and the sun on the
beaches of beauty-stuffed Virginia, you should remember that 90% of
homes are burglarized when their owners are on vacation.
The easiest way to make sure this never happens is never to leave the
house. While this works fine for me, some people tend to get
agoraphobic and simply must leave the house for greener pastures.
If you simply must take that family vacation, here are some smooth and
sensual methods you can use to fool the robbers into thinking you're
Hire a Stranger to Come By
A few weeks before you head out, take out an ad in the local papers and
on websites like craiglist.com asking for house-sitters. Leave your
name, phone number, and address (without the state and zip code, for
safety) and explain that you need somebody TRUSTWORTHY to come by every
few days to read your mail, close the windows, flush the toilets (to
keep the pipes from freezing/clogging up) and turn on lights while
you're not home. But: DO NOT under any circumstances reveal that you
are going on vacation, or a burglar might happen to see the ad and pay
you an unwanted visit.
Create a "TV Tape"
up the family tape-recorder and gather everyone around, because it's
time to have some fun! All you've got to do is turn on the TV and let
it run for a number of days while recording it. Obviously you'll need
to switch out tapes every few hours, but luckily cassettes are fairly
cheap these days (you can get 3 or 4 for a few bucks). You'll want
30-40 hours of tapes total. After you've finished recording, place the
tape player by the front door, crank the volume up, and press play
before you leave for vacation. Any burglar who happens by will hear the
TV blaring and will be on his way.
Heck, you might even write up some humorful comments and say them out
loud during a few programs and create your own version of Mystery
Theater 3000! But be careful not to make it too funny, or the burglar
might just die laughing (on your property, which you could possibly be
That should about do it for home security. I've taught you everything I
know, so hopefully you've learned enough to keep your comics and
DVDs and such safe from the bad guys. I personally know if anyone so
much as touched my compete Naruto boxed set I'd be crying ragetears
while seeking revenge on the perpetuators!
Anywhoo, be careful and stay safe out there folks, and if you catch any
burglars, give 'em one from The Baron!