Guides / How To

Worthless Guide to Security Guards

Many hurtful things have been said about security guards over the years: They’re nothing but uneducated whiteboys on a power trip! They’re lazy bigots who couldn’t cut it as cops! All they do is sit at a desk all day popping pills and fondling themselves gently while frowning at a dog-eared and slightly moist copy of Maxim! Certainly these are some pretty outrageous claims to make, but I have to say that in my years working security I found them to be surprisingly accurate. But let’s try and see if we can’t reveal the true nature of security guards.

Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime

Have you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman over the head for kicks. It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of you considering a life if crime.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 3: More Table Manners

Tabble Manners 2
Alright, I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff about table manners.

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 2

Dating 2
I now continue with part 2 of Dating DOs and DON’Ts. Part 1 is HERE, but I don’t imagine you care. This time we'll cover picking up women at weddings and at bars and things of this nature. Have a good time kids.

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

It seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.

Worthless Guide to Playing Guitar

Guitar Kid
Ever since I was a small child I’ve dreamt of being a rock star. One of my fondest childhood memories is dancing in front of our television, rocking out with a broken broom to a Whitesnake music video my father was watching. “Boy,” he said to me, taking a drag from one of his brown paper (and likely PCP laced) Sherman cigarettes, “Getthefug outta the way and stop mincing around like a goddamn fa**ot.” Then he threw a half-empty beer can at my head and I ran off crying. From that moment I knew I was destined for greatness. Sure enough, soon I was swaying back under the white hot lights of the stage, noodling at a cheap guitar and barely able to stand because my blood was almost pure heroin. So now that you’re aware of my own rock credentials, let’s see about helping you get started with your own.

How To Shop For a New Car

New CarBuying a new car can be a stressful experience, and people usually have plenty of questions about the process. How does negotiation work? Is the dealership trying to rip me off? Do I need rustproofing? What happens if I plow through a bustling outdoor marketplace on a test drive, killing dozens; isn’t the salesperson responsible?

 I’m sure you’re sitting there smugly mouthing the answers to these without even thinking about it, but you’d be surprised at how many of us can’t do that. Not everyone can be as great as you, you know. Jeez.

Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness
I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said “I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 2: Table Manners

Table Manners
Table manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to ensure good digestion? Perhaps you’ve heard that in 16th century China, chewing with your mouth open was believed to have been poor luck for gamblers. Pretty interesting huh? Well, maybe not quite as interesting as you may have thought, because it turns out that those were all lies. Not even remotely true. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? So anyway, now that I’ve taught you all a valuable lesson about dishonesty in modern society, I present to you this hard-hitting look at table manners around the world. I would also like to point out that it would probably be considered no-holds-barred, and also that it pulls no punches. So look forward to that.

Behold! For I am Otherkin! (Feel My Power)

Otherkin Being Otherkin is a lot like being black in the 50s. What I mean by this is that coming out of the closet as an Otherkin (like coming out as a black person) can be dangerous to your health. I personally have had people shout slurs at me in the park, had a large carton of Whoppers candy thrown at my back, and been denied a position in data entry simply because I am not shy about telling people that my body contains the soul of an ancient dragon named Stryyker.

So since not many people in the world seem to understand what it means to be an Otherkin, I figured I would write this Q&A to straighten you people out. 

What Now?