Guides / How To

How to Help Disableds

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Not to brag or anything, but around my hometown I'm known as a bit of a philantherer. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a philantherer is someone who loves giving back to the community! So it wouldn't be at all out of the ordinary to see me feeding an elderly woman chicken tenders at the food court, or even helping a little boy in the Sears dressing room squeeze into a cute new pair of jeans. Hey what can I say? I guess I just enjoy being a good person!
Unfortunately not everyone is as big a fan of good deeds and charity as I am. There are still plenty of folks out there who don't know how to be good citizens. One of the most offensive things I've noticed is that hardly anyone knows how to treat a handicap. It's hard to believe, I know, but trust me, in my lifetime I've seen it all. I've seen ticket takers make a woman in a wheelchair wait in line for popcorn at the theater. I've seen a dwarve denied access to rollercoaster because of height requirements. I've even seen drivers honk at someone with a handicapped sticker who cut them off. It's a cold world out there, but luckily I'm here to help.
Read on to see my advice on how to properly treat someone who is under the influence of handicap.

7 Tips For Surviving Police Encounters

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
America's police force is said to be the greatest in the world. However, this does not mean it is perfect. Far from it, actually. The biggest problem we have here is nosy cops. I tell you, these smokeys (slang for police officer) just won't let up! I can't count the number of times I, or some of my friends have been harassed for no reason at all by the police.
In one such instance me and my pal Trevvor had just gotten done at Dragon-Con and were heading back to the hotel. We were still in our costumes. I had gone as the grand black Dragon Kenshin (my spirit namesake), he as the dragon tamer Ulysses. Suddenly out of nowhere a police cruiser pulled up and began barging us with questions. "Who are you?" "What are you doing?" "Why are you wearing dragon suit?" Suddenly I felt the great soul of my spirit dragon anger welling from within me. I could not control it. I began shouting elder curses in dragonith whilst bearing my gold-capped fangs (custom made, natch) at them. Needless to say, they backed off, but if I wouldn't have had Kenshin's spirit to protect me who knows what might've happened. But since most of you aren't fortunate enough to have the spirit of a powerful dragon living within you, I've written this guide to teach you how to show the police who's boss.

How To Escape From The Cops

Escape From Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Let's say you are accused of murdering a young girl, but you did not do it. What would you do? Think long and hard about it. Those of you who have seen the The Fugitive will know that being falsely accused of a horrible crime is no laughing matter. You may think that it cannot happen to you, but the sad facts of the truth is that it can. It can and it will. Every year thousands of Americans are probably being falsely accused of crimes they didn't commit, and there is nothing they can do about it but head into their prison cell and bend over to be buttraped by a white powerist. I'm sorry to be so graphic but that's reality.
But there is hope! I once read on a popular self-defense website hose who are accused of wrongfulness and did not do it are LEGALLY ALLOWED to escape from police. Most people don't know this, but it is a fact. So I've written up this little ditty to help those non-criminals who are being harassed by police escape to their freedom. Read carefully, you may just save your own life.

How to Fight Dirty

Fight DirtyRecently I published a guide on how to avoid a fight entitled How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are. After reading it over again, I came to the realization that only writing one such guide while ignoring the other possible outcomes would have been a great disservice to that one guy who reads my website. What if, heaven forbid, he gets jumped by a band of gibbering winos in a dark alley and none of my avoidance methods can get him out of it? What then?
"What then. What then." I find myself repeating these words aloud as I wander the aisles of a Whole Foods market, desperately scanning the aisles for something remotely edible. "Are you alright?" a pretty young stockgirl asks, her darkened eyes ablaze with passionate lust, "Did you need help with...anything?" Thinking quickly, I overturn my cart and give it a haphazard kick in her direction. Turning on my heel I dash in the opposite direction, overturning a Kashi Cereal display behind me. "Vile queen of harlots!" I scream as I scrabble up a piece of shelving at the rear of the store, "Ply your fleshtrade elsewhere; I have no want of it!" My mind races. I have managed to avoid the designs of the burlesque queen today, but what fresh hell would tomorrow bring? No man can say.

5 More Swordfighting Tips for Sworders

Sword KidBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I recently saw a story in the "news" in which a young boy diced up a would-be robber using only his samurai sword. The criminal was killed. The author tried to paint a grim picture of the boy as a needless murderer ("he should've just called the police!"), but I obviously he was more than a little bias against freedom! This man was creeping about in the boy's own personal garage! He may have been attempting to thieve a pair of cross-country skis, a child's baseball mitt, or a cordless hedge trimmer with a battery which no longer holds a charge. You may not see these items as important enough to murder over, but remember that they belonged to an AMERICAN CITIZEN. Might I remind you that the 5th amendment of the constitution of the America allows us to protect our property any means necessary, including murder.
Hear that you fat cat liberals in Washington? ANY MEANS NECESSARY. So if I wake up one night and head downstairs to find a crooker attempting to escape with an armful of my beloved Naruto DVDs, you can be damn sure I won't be calling the fuzz. I'll slice him up with one of my blades without even a second thought. "Hyah! Hyeah!" two direct hits! Thump. His head hits the ground. Crooks beware!

How To Die

DeathIf we're going to be honest here, there are really only a few real options when it comes to death: You can either die of old age (natural causes), you can happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (unlucky), or you can off yourself (suicide). Obviously there isn't too much I can't tell you about the first two that isn't common sense, and giving advice about suicide? Nuh-uh. Count me out. Aside from the occasional "I wonder what would happen if I just jerked the wheel and drove right off this overpass" style daydreaming, I haven't even thought too much about offing myself. Better to keep my mouth shut.
So pretty much what I'm left with to discuss is the accouterments of death (you know, the stuff that comes along with it), which I have broken down into three sections: 1. The Fate of Your Immortal Soul, 2. What You Leave Behind, and 3. Your Last Words.
So read on if you wish to know how to die properly.

5 White Hot Swordfighting Tips for Swordfighters

LarpBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Combat using swords is harder than most civilians would imagine. You not only need skill in handling the weapon, but also the mental conviction to deliver the killing blow (when needed).

There are also many lesser-known factors most laymen don't consider about weapons combat. Factors like balance. Balancing is actually the most difficult part of hand to hand combat, and there are many things about balance that people don't realize. For example: did you know that balance is 20% mental, 20% physical, and 60% based on sight? It's really quite remarkable. If you don't believe me, simply try to jump up and down or walk forwards with your eyes closed. That's right, you can't do it. This is because of balance.
Read on for 5 of my hottest tips for swordplay beginners.

How To Get Out of Coping With The Existential Horror of Your Purposeless Life

Sad KidA lot of needless thought tends to go into the "important" questions in life. "Why are we here?" "What is my purpose?" "Is there a god?" For most people, knowing The Meaning of Life isn't going to change anything. Sure, Slovenly Joe The Racist Plumber might get a kick out of knowing life on earth was seeded by aliens as some kind of grand experiment, but this information is not going to change the way he spends his Saturday nights (splayed out nude on the couch sucking on a tube of raw cookie dough as Judge Judy reruns flicker on the TV).

So why waste precious time and brain cycles considering these unanswerable hypotheticals when there are far more important problems in the world to be considered, such as "Can using a public toilet give you AIDs?", "Where the hell did all these spiders come from?" or "When does the next Chuckie movie come out?"

Golf is Kind of Stupid

Club BrokenI honestly can't understand why any human being would choose to play golf. I mean, I guess I can see why a person might find the idea of golf appealing, but as far as the actual experience goes, I just don't get it. I'm sure when most people think of golf they imagine the peaceful day they will inevitably have on "the links". They've got a cool beer in their hand, and a warm summer breeze caresses their face as they walk down the lush, perfectly sculpted fairway with a club over one shoulder, whistling a merry tune. What could be better, right?
In truth, however, an afternoon of golf on a public course would more accurately be described as a torturous three-and-a-half hour slog across ragged sun-scorched patches of grass as the sun pounds down searing your flesh and you wade into the ditch to retrieve your very last ball and the spiny brush slashes your face and arms and eyes and just up the ridge is the freeway and the roar of some deadbeat dad's rusted out white pickup truck engine as he screams by on his way to a child support hearing and you can't find the ball it just isn't anywhere and your stomach churns sour and roils and you know you have to go oh sweet lord how you DESPERATELY have to go but you know the only outhouse is 6 holes back so you clamp down on it and dive deeper and the sun bakes the air and the horseflies bite down and somewhere in the back of your mind you begin to wonder if you'll ever make it out of here alive.

How To Score a Date with The Perfect Hotties!

"Hot" ChicksBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
People always ask me: "Martin, how do you meet so many hot ladies? You've got all the luck!" While it may be true that I have very little trouble attracting the opposite sex, this has nothing to do with "finding" the women. Finding women is easy, they're all around! I always say: "Around every corner there's a sweet treat." Ain't it the truth though? You can find the ladies everywhere: Bookfairs, at the free clinic, in booths at the carnival, the smoke shop, even walking their dogs in the park at night. The least you can do is sidle up to these women and holler them (for those who aren't aware, "Hollering a woman" is an urban term for asking them for a date!)

Continue on to hear a few more of my choice tips about how to snag the perfect cutie with your love skills!

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