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How To Be Possessed By a Demon

How To Be Possessed By A Demon 
Many of you might think that demonic possession sounds like "a good time" or that it might be a "neat" way for you to "get some kicks". This could not be further from the truth. Not only is being possessed by an evil spirit unpleasant, it can also be dangerous! I recall one particular story which our family pastor related to me when I was a child and would sleep over at his house on weekends for bathing suit hug parties:

A little girl was playing Ouija and accidentally called forth the spirit of 15th President James Buchanan. His essence possessed her and from that day forth, she was prone to indigestion, excessive use of foul language and would, on occasion, slip into a sort of Fugue State and begin scrawling glyphs on the walls in her own excrement while shrieking in an elder tongue.
 
So as you can well see, demonic possession is not a thing to be trifled with. Read on to get some tips and tricks on how to live your life as the puppet of a demon.

How To Lose Weight (A Needlessly Insulting Guide)

How to Lose Weight Insulting Guide
Guest Post From Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw
How To Lose Weight - Dr. PhilHowdy folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good. Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.
 
But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be "Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice. What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.
 
And by God I intend to give it to you.

How To Burglar-Proof Your Home

 Home Security
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronHow would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly! I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal. Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he was only trying to survive.
 
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips I have for securing your home against invaders.
 
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)

How to Craft the Perfect Resume

Warrior
Howdy ya'll, this is your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley here again to spurt some more knowlege into your mouths and onto the front of your shirts. How many times has this happened to you: You apply for a job, but the boss gives it to someone else! Sure is rotten isn't it?! Well never fear, The Baron's here to tell you that the reason you missed out on that golden opportunity isn't because your a loser, it's because you're resume is one!

All aboard the learning train folks! There are three important properties every resume should have: Heart, Hope, & Be Passionate. Heart means make 'em cry. Hope means give em' the hope that you're the best man (or gal) for the job! And C. Above all Be Passionate! Passion is the sloppy goop that makes the world go round, so let em' have it! On the day of your interview, walk straight in the door, hand over your resume, and slather your interviewer with a sloppy dose of passion all over their face and in their mouth. They won't know what hit em'!

But for more detailed tips, read on to check out yours truly's very own resume. You'll have that job in no time!

How To Write a Proper Thank-You Note

Suicide Note
Thank-You notes are, without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first thing you should realize is that calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature, and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them. But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.

The Casually Dismissive Guide to Cowboys

Cowboy
There hasn't been much written about cowboys these days. You might assume that this is because cowboys are boring (and you would be right), but luckily for you, I'm not one to shy away from subjects which are "boring" or "stupid" or "a waste of everyone's valuable time".

So after an exhaustive period of exhaustive research, I've compiled my findings into this article, which should serve to answer the most common cowboy-related questions I often receive such as: "What do Cowboys Do All Day?" "Are All Cowboys Gay?" and "I Don't Give a Shit What a Cowboy is. Stop Talking About Cowboys You Jackass".
 
So here look here, Cowboys:

How to Help Disableds

Disabled
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Not to brag or anything, but around my hometown I'm known as a bit of a philantherer. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a philantherer is someone who loves giving back to the community! So it wouldn't be at all out of the ordinary to see me feeding an elderly woman chicken tenders at the food court, or even helping a little boy in the Sears dressing room squeeze into a cute new pair of jeans. Hey what can I say? I guess I just enjoy being a good person!
 
Unfortunately not everyone is as big a fan of good deeds and charity as I am. There are still plenty of folks out there who don't know how to be good citizens. One of the most offensive things I've noticed is that hardly anyone knows how to treat a handicap. It's hard to believe, I know, but trust me, in my lifetime I've seen it all. I've seen ticket takers make a woman in a wheelchair wait in line for popcorn at the theater. I've seen a dwarve denied access to rollercoaster because of height requirements. I've even seen drivers honk at someone with a handicapped sticker who cut them off. It's a cold world out there, but luckily I'm here to help.
 
Read on to see my advice on how to properly treat someone who is under the influence of handicap.

7 Tips For Surviving Police Encounters

 Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
America's police force is said to be the greatest in the world. However, this does not mean it is perfect. Far from it, actually. The biggest problem we have here is nosy cops. I tell you, these smokeys (slang for police officer) just won't let up! I can't count the number of times I, or some of my friends have been harassed for no reason at all by the police.
 
In one such instance me and my pal Trevvor had just gotten done at Dragon-Con and were heading back to the hotel. We were still in our costumes. I had gone as the grand black Dragon Kenshin (my spirit namesake), he as the dragon tamer Ulysses. Suddenly out of nowhere a police cruiser pulled up and began barging us with questions. "Who are you?" "What are you doing?" "Why are you wearing dragon suit?" Suddenly I felt the great soul of my spirit dragon anger welling from within me. I could not control it. I began shouting elder curses in dragonith whilst bearing my gold-capped fangs (custom made, natch) at them. Needless to say, they backed off, but if I wouldn't have had Kenshin's spirit to protect me who knows what might've happened. But since most of you aren't fortunate enough to have the spirit of a powerful dragon living within you, I've written this guide to teach you how to show the police who's boss.
 

How To Escape From The Cops

Escape From Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Let's say you are accused of murdering a young girl, but you did not do it. What would you do? Think long and hard about it. Those of you who have seen the The Fugitive will know that being falsely accused of a horrible crime is no laughing matter. You may think that it cannot happen to you, but the sad facts of the truth is that it can. It can and it will. Every year thousands of Americans are probably being falsely accused of crimes they didn't commit, and there is nothing they can do about it but head into their prison cell and bend over to be buttraped by a white powerist. I'm sorry to be so graphic but that's reality.
 
But there is hope! I once read on a popular self-defense website hose who are accused of wrongfulness and did not do it are LEGALLY ALLOWED to escape from police. Most people don't know this, but it is a fact. So I've written up this little ditty to help those non-criminals who are being harassed by police escape to their freedom. Read carefully, you may just save your own life.

How to Fight Dirty

Fight DirtyRecently I published a guide on how to avoid a fight entitled How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are. After reading it over again, I came to the realization that only writing one such guide while ignoring the other possible outcomes would have been a great disservice to that one guy who reads my website. What if, heaven forbid, he gets jumped by a band of gibbering winos in a dark alley and none of my avoidance methods can get him out of it? What then?
 
"What then. What then." I find myself repeating these words aloud as I wander the aisles of a Whole Foods market, desperately scanning the aisles for something remotely edible. "Are you alright?" a pretty young stockgirl asks, her darkened eyes ablaze with passionate lust, "Did you need help with...anything?" Thinking quickly, I overturn my cart and give it a haphazard kick in her direction. Turning on my heel I dash in the opposite direction, overturning a Kashi Cereal display behind me. "Vile queen of harlots!" I scream as I scrabble up a piece of shelving at the rear of the store, "Ply your fleshtrade elsewhere; I have no want of it!" My mind races. I have managed to avoid the designs of the burlesque queen today, but what fresh hell would tomorrow bring? No man can say.
 


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