Guides / How To

FAQ: How To Be A Hugely Irresponsible Parent

FAQ: How To Be A Hugely Irresponsible Parent - Kids In Cage
Having recently "reconnected" with many former highschool classmates online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional "slip-up" can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is beyond my comprehension.
 
The only logical explanation I can come up with is that people who have children purposefully must be mentally deranged in some fashion. For truly, what possible reason could a rational human being have for sacrificing eighteen years of freedom, privacy, financial security, and any semblance of a social life for a few fleeting moments of narcissistic parental ecstasy, aside from full-on gibbering madness? I definitely can't think of any.
 
But hey, I'm not supposed to be discussing the pros and cons of parenting, I'm supposed to be posting a FAQ on how to be a hugely irresponsible one.
 
So here. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied.

The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC

The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC Christian Case Mod
Christian Game Review: Fallout New Vegas
The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured, heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice into the gaping orifice of your souls!
 
Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and non-catholic pedophiles of the world, thus cleansing these hedonistic lands of sin once and for all. We Christians prefer to take advice from those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing things in the godliest way possible.
 
So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Florida

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida
Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida.
 
See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.
 
So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.

The Casually Dismissive Guide To Outdoor Activities

Slingshot Man
I'm not exactly someone you would describe as the "outdoorsy type". I'm really more of a "comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it" type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don't have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it's always just so irritating and unpredictable: Oh great, I went for a walk and it started to rain. Fantastic, the sun went down and now I can't see. Wonderful, I wandered into the Pakistani Himalaya and got disemboweled by a Himalayan Brown Bear. I swear to god, it never ends.
 
I really don't see how nature expects anyone to enjoy the outdoors when all this annoying crap is constantly going on. I'll give you an example: One time I went camping and was continuously buffeted by reasonably strong winds. Winds! Can you imagine? It was beyond belief. The third time my hood blew off my head, I walked to the car and drove straight home. But honestly, can you blame me? A man can only take so much abuse.
 
But anyway, here's my Officially Licensed Guide Every Single Outdoor Activity Ever.

Worthless Guide To Monsters: Medusas & Minotaurs

Medusa & Minotaur
A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a mildly entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another way. And then it dawned on me: There WAS another way. I could continue to write pointless and sort of crappy guides about various types of monsters! So that's what I did.

So I hope you'll join me for this look at Medusas and Minotaurs (part [?] of a [?] part series). Thank you and thank you.

The Comprehensive Guide To Littering

The Comprehensive Guide To Littering
Sometimes littering can be a grey area. For example: Was Johnny Appleseed littering as he wandered around tossing handfuls of apple seeds everywhere? The general consensus is that he was not, but I disagree. He most certainly WAS littering. History seems to give Mr. Appleseed a pass because he seems to have strewn the seeds about with the best intentions, but as you well know, some of the most heinous crimes in history have been committed by people with "the best intentions" in mind.
 
That's why I've created this guide: To dispel the myths which surround the act of littering once and for all. We'll cover a myriad of topics including (but not limited to)..."Littering With Fruits & Vegetables: Is It Possible?", "Littering In Public Spaces", "Bodily Fluids As Litter", "Littering In Geysers & Hot Springs: What Gives?"
 
So join me, if you will, on this journey through the exciting world of litter.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wyoming

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Wyoming
While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of "interesting" tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from "interesting tourist attractions" to "stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision" I still came up mostly emptyhanded.
 
This should tell you pretty much everything one needs to know about taking a trip to Wyoming (namely: that one should not do it), but I suppose if you're a glutton for punishment you can go ahead and read on. At the very least, I feel I've managed to compile a relatively decent overview of the least uninteresting tourist destinations located in Wyoming. So that's something, I guess.

How To Fight Terrorism

How To Fight Terrorists
Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling.
 
But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared to give this information away free of charge, as a service to my country, and in the hopes that it will rid our world of Terror once and for all.

The Casually Dismissive Guide To LAN Parties

The Casually Dismissive Guide To LAN Parties
In case you haven't noticed, LAN (Local Area Network) parties have becoming increasing popular in recent years. And by "increasingly popular" I mean "substantially less popular due to the fact that they are quickly becoming pointless and redundant alongside the proliferation of high-speed internet".

So I guess I'll write a guide about them?

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...California

California
When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.
 
Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?




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