Guides / How To

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wyoming

While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of "interesting" tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from "interesting tourist attractions" to "stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision" I still came up mostly emptyhanded.

This should tell you pretty much everything one needs to know about taking a trip to Wyoming (namely: that one should not do it), but I suppose if you're a glutton for punishment you can go ahead and read on. At the very least, I feel I've managed to compile a relatively decent overview of the least uninteresting tourist destinations located in Wyoming. So that's something, I guess.

How To Fight Terrorism

GUIDES/HOW TO

Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling.

But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared to give this information away free of charge, as a service to my country, and in the hopes that it will rid our world of Terror once and for all.

The Casually Dismissive Guide To LAN Parties

In case you haven't noticed, LAN (Local Area Network) parties have becoming increasing popular in recent years. And by "increasingly popular" I mean "substantially less popular due to the fact that they are quickly becoming pointless and redundant alongside the proliferation of high-speed internet".

So I guess I'll write a guide about them?

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...California

When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.

Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?

7 Ridiculous Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.

So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wisconsin

There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately, like the solvent vapors from innumerable batches of high-grade bathtub methamphetamine.

So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of it for nonexistent tourists.

View All Cynical Tourist Guides

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into a Violent, Videogame-Induced Rage

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into A Violent Videogame Based Rage

It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality, only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.

Also, this really only applies to these men while they're playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place before The Ragestate occurs.

This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition (and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this ragestate.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...New York

Little known fact: There's actually an entire state attached to New York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws literally dozens of tourists each year into it's distinctly unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination capital of the world), but this matters little, as even somber pilgrims hell-bent on their own destruction have a hard time resisting upstate New York's many curio shoppes, taffy fountains, and collectible coin emporiums.

So the next time you inexplicably get it into your fool head to pay a visit to the overrated, obnoxious, self-important, overpriced, stench-ridden cesspool known as NYC, you might consider bypassing the Big Apple altogether in favor of it's slightly less nauseating upstate cousin, as there's plenty to see and do there.

In service of this, the following article features an overview of some of the more popular New Yorkian attractions. I invite you to examine it at your leisure.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Georgia

The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case. Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home goodness at a reasonable price.

So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.