Guides / How To

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.

Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."

So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."

A Casually Dismissive History of Handheld Game Consoles

Many people have hands. Some of them use these hands to pick up and manipulate objects. The word “handheld” is used to describe feats such as these.

But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail Cashiers: There are no portable price scanners; enjoy typing the barcodes of all oversize items by hand! Bestiality Aficionados: Good luck grasping your favorite horse’s genitals! But thankfully the nightmare of “no handhelds” never came to pass.

We live a life of handhelds, and video game systems are no exception. What follows is a guide to all your favorite portable game consoles past and present. If you have any complaints, don’t forget you aren’t paying for any of this.

8 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually violated. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.

As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:

A. Starve to death

B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".

I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.

FAQ: The Wonderful & Somewhat Pedophilic World Of Manga

GUIDES/HOW TO

FAQ: Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Manga - Anime Kid

Obviously there are plenty of misconceptions out there about Manga, but this is certainly not uncommon amongst the higher arts. In fact, when Opera first came on the scene in the early 1600s, it faced many the same criticisms that manga currently does: "Oh, I can't understand what is happening," "Why is this so violent?" "Why does every woman have a huge chest?" "Is it entirely necessary to to portray child rape so graphically?" and on and on and on.

What these manga detractors fail to understand is that, like opera, manga is simply ahead of its time. It seems clear to me that those who hate manga are simply too boorish and uncivilized to appreciate such a sophisticated art form.

But enough of this. I've already given these detractors more time than they deserve. Let's get on with the questions!

FAQ: How To Be A Hugely Irresponsible Parent

GUIDES/HOW TO

Having recently "reconnected" with many former highschool classmates online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional "slip-up" can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is beyond my comprehension.

The only logical explanation I can come up with is that people who have children purposefully must be mentally deranged in some fashion. For truly, what possible reason could a rational human being have for sacrificing eighteen years of freedom, privacy, financial security, and any semblance of a social life for a few fleeting moments of narcissistic parental ecstasy, aside from full-on gibbering madness? I definitely can't think of any.

But hey, I'm not supposed to be discussing the pros and cons of parenting, I'm supposed to be posting a FAQ on how to be a hugely irresponsible one.

So here. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied.

The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC

Christian Game Review: Fallout New Vegas

The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured, heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice into the gaping orifice of your souls!

Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and non-catholic pedophiles of the world, thus cleansing these hedonistic lands of sin once and for all. We Christians prefer to take advice from those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing things in the godliest way possible.

So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Florida

Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida.

See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.

So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.

The Casually Dismissive Guide To Outdoor Activities

GUIDES/HOW TO

I'm not exactly someone you would describe as the "outdoorsy type". I'm really more of a "comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it" type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don't have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it's always just so irritating and unpredictable: Oh great, I went for a walk and it started to rain. Fantastic, the sun went down and now I can't see. Wonderful, I wandered into the Pakistani Himalaya and got disemboweled by a Himalayan Brown Bear. I swear to god, it never ends.

I really don't see how nature expects anyone to enjoy the outdoors when all this annoying crap is constantly going on. I'll give you an example: One time I went camping and was continuously buffeted by reasonably strong winds. Winds! Can you imagine? It was beyond belief. The third time my hood blew off my head, I walked to the car and drove straight home. But honestly, can you blame me? A man can only take so much abuse.

But anyway, here's my Officially Licensed Guide Every Single Outdoor Activity Ever.

Worthless Guide To Monsters: Medusas & Minotaurs

A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a mildly entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another way. And then it dawned on me: There WAS another way. I could continue to write pointless and sort of crappy guides about various types of monsters! So that's what I did.

So I hope you'll join me for this look at Medusas and Minotaurs (part [?] of a [?] part series). Thank you and thank you.

The Comprehensive Guide To Littering

GUIDES/HOW TO

Sometimes littering can be a grey area. For example: Was Johnny Appleseed littering as he wandered around tossing handfuls of apple seeds everywhere? The general consensus is that he was not, but I disagree. He most certainly WAS littering. History seems to give Mr. Appleseed a pass because he seems to have strewn the seeds about with the best intentions, but as you well know, some of the most heinous crimes in history have been committed by people with "the best intentions" in mind.

That's why I've created this guide: To dispel the myths which surround the act of littering once and for all. We'll cover a myriad of topics including (but not limited to)..."Littering With Fruits & Vegetables: Is It Possible?", "Littering In Public Spaces", "Bodily Fluids As Litter", "Littering In Geysers & Hot Springs: What Gives?"

So join me, if you will, on this journey through the exciting world of litter.