Review: Girlscout Cookies

CookiesI’m going to say something that I’m pretty sure has never been said before: Girlscout cookies are highly overrated. I’m not saying they’re bad, in fact I don’t mind eating them at all. As far as cookies go, I’d even rate most of them as slightly above average. But OH NO, that’s not NEARLY good enough for some people. You’re expected to LOVE Girlscout cookies, or risk being shunned by the cookie community as some kind of snack fascist or something.

Well listen up: You people don’t scare me. I’m going to print the truth about these cookies, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just you watch.



Thin Mints

Thin MintsThin Mints blow. I’m sorry to be crude, but there’s just no other way to describe these monstrosities. Mint, in a dark chocolate cookie? Are you people absolutely insane?! It just doesn’t work.

“But wait,” you might say, “There are plenty of other great-tasting snacks which combine chocolate and mint into one easy-to-love package!” Oh really? Name one, I dare you!

I bet you’re probably going to say Junior Mints. Ha! That’s one of the nastiest candies ever created. The only reason those things still even exist is because of movie theaters. It’s nostalgia. People feel obligated to purchase sixteen dollar boxes of Junior Mints when they see a movie because that’s just the way it’s always been. You’ll never see anybody buy a pack of these things and take them home to eat; it just isn’t done.  

What else you got? Mint M&Ms? Horrible. Mounds? I don’t even know if those have mint. But even if they do, it doesn’t work in your favor, because those taste even worse than Junior Mints. But in any case, nothing tastes as bad as the bitter, stale chocolate and sour mint in these terrible cookies. Yeechk.

Rating: 1/10



Do-Si-Dos

Do Si DosFirst of all, let me start out by saying: Really stupid name. It sounds like something some fat Midwestern housewife in a jean fabric jumper would come up with. “Oh, wouldn’t if be cute if we named these after a squaredancing step?” No you ignorant Oxycodode-popping wench, actually it wouldn’t. It would be ridiculous.

But actually the cookies themselves aren’t half bad. I’d say they’re up there as one of the best cookies on this list. Oatmeal on the outside, and peanut butter on the inside. Sure, they might taste sort of chemicalish, but I have absolutely no problem with that. It’s part of their mystique.

Rating: 9/10



Trefoils

TrefoilMan, these cookies are cryptic! First there’s the name. Trefoil? Is that even a word? I’m pretty sure it isn’t. It might be like a cryptogram or something. I would try to figure out what it means, except I don’t really even know what a cryptogram is. And also I don’t really care enough. Then there’s the design itself. What is it even supposed to be? A bunch of women’s faces on a shamrock? It makes no sense.

But anyway these cookies are pretty good. But if you think about it, they’re really just regular shortbread cookies, and I can buy those at the store any time I want (for cheaper, even). Also they won’t have a bunch of weird women’s faces on the front. Stuff gives me the creeps.

Rating: 6/10



Tagalongs

TagalongsGreat, another stupid name. Change the name of this cookie. When I hear it, it tells me nothing about what I’m getting. Maybe make it like Chocobutters or something, I don’t know.

I don’t eat this cookie very much, but I guess it’s plain cookie with peanut butter on it, and then chocolate over it. All I have to say about this is: Eeeh. Seems pretty inessential to me.  If I want something like that, all I have to do is go to a vending machine and buy a peanut butter twix. Then, not only to you get two of them, but also you get to see it fall down off the twisty rack thing, and that’s pretty neat (Oh, and also there’s a chance you’ll get two packs for the price of one).

So, until the Girlscouts can offer an experience like this (which is probably never), I’m going to have to give these cookies a pass.

Rating: 4/10



Other Random Cookies I've Never Even Heard Of

Various Cookies20Let’s get through these quickly.

Daisy Go Rounds
Cinnamon AND low calorie? I don’t see how anything could go wrong with that…
2/10


Thanks-A-Lot
I'm going to assume this shortbread cookie is being sarcastic, and I don’t care for it.
0/10


Lemon Chalet Cremes

God no!
1/10


Sugar Free Ch-

That’s enough information for me!
0/10


Dulce De Leche

Hey Wait, carmel striped cookies? Mmmmm, looks good.
10/10


Lemonades

Uhg.
1/10



Samoas

SamoaUh oh, here’s the racist one. Supposedly they changed the name of these cookies this year (2009) to something else (Carmel deLites I think) because Samoas was a bit racist. This upsets me. I always to get really upset when they change the offensive names of classic cookies. I think instead of making THIS cookie name inoffensive they should just change all the OTHER cookie names to be inordinately offensive. That way people would come to expect it. Here are my suggestions:


  • Thin Mints: Woptastics
  • Do-Si-Dos: Peeking Suspiciously Through Blinds at the Asians Nextdoor
  • Trefoils: Shortbread Micks
  • Tagalongs: Mulattoe Munchies
  • Daisy Go Rounds: FetusStompers!
  • Thanks-A-Lot: Kill Whitey
  • Lemon Chalet Cremes: Homosexuality is a Choice (And a Sin)
  • Dulce De Leche: Ching Chang Chong I’m Chinese
  • Lemonades: Krautknockers

Umm, yeah. So these cookies are pretty good. A little too much coconut for my taste though.

Rating: 7/10





That should do it for cookies. I think the only conclusion I can draw from this article is that it’s fun to make up racist names for products. I now feel I understand better what it was like to work in advertising in the 50s. Thanks Girlscouts!

P.S. If any race or lifestyle feels left out of the racist cookie roundup, feel free to write in with your background and I’ll personally call you on the telephone and shout a racist cookie name at you. But I apologize that there wasn’t enough room in here to cover everyone.