To My Family & Friend(s):
It has recently come to my attention that many of you view me as a selfish, emotionally distant, and frequently condescending jerk with little or no respect for the beliefs, traditions, or feelings of others. While I can definitely see how people may have arrived at these conclusions, I can assure you that some of them are almost certainly untrue. Untrue, and extremely hurtful. And although the lifetime of social and psychological torment I've suffered at the hands of my peers has blunted my emotions so thoroughly that slanderous accusations like these no longer trouble me, I still do not appreciate being made to hear them.
In any event, I'm not here to insult you by using this space to "tell you how sorry I am for the many cruel and hurtful things I've allegedly done to many of you out of disdain or apathy" or even to admit how I'm constantly "using feigned nonchalance and dry humor to keep everyone I know at arm's length so I don't have to deal with the painful feelings which inevitably arise in healthy 'two-way' relationships". No, I won't waste your time by apologizing for any of those things right now.
I'm here for one reason, and one reason only: To let you all know that I forgive you. Each and every one of you. And to prove it, I'm giving you all a gift: The gift of the good feelings which arise from doing something nice for another human being: Me.
That's right, I'm letting you buy me presents. Not for my birthday, or a specific holiday. Just as general offerings of respect. Don't bother thanking me either, because I won't accept it. For you see, unlike most humans, I don't do good deeds for the accolades. I do them because I am a fantastic person.
So let's take a look at the list, shall we?
- Bridget Jones's Diary (VHS)
- Outdoor Rabbit Hutch (Must Be Large Enough To Accommodate Human Child)
- Forgiveness From The Families Of My Victims
- XXXXL Big Dog T-Shirt Which Reads: "Big Dogs Rules #1: Mom is the Boss, Rule #2: See Rule Number 1."
- 1:87 Scale Chris Kattan Sex Doll (For A Friend)
- To Put My Face Up To A Hotel Room Air-Conditioning Unit And Inhale Deeply
- A Word With Your Supervisor
- Suit Of That Wicker-Looking Armor You See In Old Samurai Movies
- A Better Understanding Of Spanish So I Can Confirm That The Building Maintenance Crew At Work Is Making Fun Of Me Behind My Back
- Two Glasses Of Ice Water With Ice
- The Ability To Inflict Diseases Upon Others With My Thoughts
- Heterosexual Man-Date With Jeff Goldblum
- 3X Lifetime Supply Of Rice Krispie Treats Cereal
- FOR AN ELDERLY PERSON TO WRITE ME AN EMAIL IN ALL CAPS
- Rubber Nixon Mask (BPA Free)
- Several Handsful Of Burger King Ketchup Packets (For Stomping Purposes)
- Throne Of Human Skulls
- For A Third Season Of Steven Seagal: Lawman To Be Produced & Subsequently Released For Public Consumption
- An Extra Large Bed, A TV, And One Of Those Little Refrigerators You Open With A Key. Credit Card? You Got It.
- A Comely Young Lass Of Virtue True
- A Quarterhorse Which, Curiously Enough, Possesses The Ability To Walk About On Its Hind Legs
- The Strength Of Ten Men
- The Ability To Watch Any Piece Of Japanese Animation Without Feeling Disgust/Contempt For The Entire Nation Of Japan
- For Someone To Create A Podcast Which Consists Solely Of Christopher Walken And Morgan Freeman Reading Sonic The Hedgehog Fanfiction Verbatim
- To Continue To Sink Ever Deeper Into A Swamp of Debt While Growing Steadily Fatter
Please purchase whichever of these items you can afford. Anything on the list will do, really. And don't be afraid of giving me the same gift as someone else. I can easily sell or throw away any duplicates I receive.
Thank you for your consideration, and I hope you appreciate all that I have done for you over the years.