Drugs2

By Henry

Part 1
of this guide, I talked about a bunch of different drugs
(Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, and Mushrooms) and gave you advice on whether
or not you should take them. In this portion I’ll let you in on the
secrets of a few more drugs, and also give you a coupon code you can
redeem with your dealer for a free drug (participation may vary). Also,
for the first time ever, we’ll ask small children on the street for
their opinions on these hard drugs. The answers they give may shock you.

Part 1 - Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, Mushrooms
Part 2 - Meth, Ketamine, Alcohol
Part 3 - Cocaine,
Caffeine, Tobacco

Methamphetamine

Methamphetamine

History

A Japanese scientist created meth in a laboratory in the 1890s. I can’t
reveal how exactly he did it (it’s a trade secret) but it was probably
pretty neat. Since it was invented by a Japanese guy, Japan technically
owned the rights to meth, and they weren’t giving the recipe to just
anybody. Then World War II came around and a Japanese scientist said
“Oh well what the heck, let’s give this junk to our good friends over
in Germany, I’m sure they could use a little pep in their step!” All
the other Japanese people just looked confused and shook their heads
because none of them spoke English, so then he said it again in
Japanese and they all nodded in a very Japanese way and said “Mmmm.”

The Germans didn’t have anything better to do, so they started giving
the stuff to their troops to see what would happen. Once they were
dosed with meth, the soldiers began behaving strangely. Many became
heavily muscled and began bellowing and punching through walls to reach
enemy troops, others gained the ability to fly short distances, and a
few became impervious to bullets (or at least they believed they did).
All in all it was a great time to be a German (unless you were Jewish
or a gypsy or gay).

Soldier

After the war, American physicians were so impressed by the loss of
appetite, insomnia, rapid tooth decay, and panic attacks experienced by
German soldiers that they decided to begin prescribing it to civilians.
Love for this wonderful concoction grew and grew, and today
Methamphetamine is more popular than ever. Even kids love it!

Effects

  • Euphoria

    Wow, big deal, what drug doesn’t provide euphoria these days? Meth is
    going to have to do a lot better than this if it wants to hook even
    more users.

  • Talking Way Too Much

    People on meth just don’t know when to shut up! They babble on all the
    time about things no normal person could possibly care about, and half
    of it doesn’t even make sense. Most of the time it’s really childish
    too, as if you’re inside the head of a 10-year-old who just drank
    sixteen cans of Mountain Dew (and before you ask: No I am not on meth).

  • Faster Reflexes

    If you take this drug your reflexes will be ultrafast. You might use
    this ability to pickpocket an unsuspecting noblewoman in a fraction of
    a second, more easily leap from rooftop to rooftop while people down
    below point at you and shout “there he goes!”, or you could even lift
    the corner of a storekeeper's tent in order to lay your hands on a bag
    of sweet sweet dates in mere moments. These things make methamphetamine
    the drug of choice for enterprising medieval street urchins who are
    just trying to make an honest dollar.

    Street Urchin
    Please sir, spare a copper for me ailin' mum?
  • Meth Mouth

    All of your teeth rot out of your skull. While this might seem like a
    negative, there are actually some positive things which come out of not
    having any teeth:

    • Don’t have to eat apples

    Actually that’s the only positive I could come up with. Still it’s a big one for me. I really don’t like apples.

  • Sexy Time

    People who pop that lovely meth just can’t seem to stop getting
    free-kay. I found a description of what happens, but it’s pretty racy,
    so I’ll substitute names of pokemon for the more inappropriate words so
    kids won’t know a thing about it:

    Among the
    effects reported by methamphetamine users is an increase in the need
    and urgency for Charizard, the ability to have Machamp for extended
    periods of time, and an inability to Bulbasaur or reach Pikachu or
    physical release, in addition to increasing the need for Jigglypuff and
    enabling the user to engage in prolonged Squirtle.

    Hot!

Clefairy
Oh man, I think that chick gave me Clefairy!

Advice

Hmm, let’s see… oh yeah: DON’T TAKE METH.

Ketamine

Ketamine

History

This drug was first developed for use in veterinary medicine. In the
old days it was thought that the best type of horse therapy would be to
tranquilize the beasts with a hallucinogenic anesthetic so they could
have fun out-of-body experiences. After being injected with this drug,
some horses reported the feeling of flying through space with long-dead
famous horses such as Seabiscut, Black Beauty, and the horse from the
Muybridge photographs. Overall, the horses had a good time.

Then a doctor who was about to shoot up a horse with some Ketamine
accidentally slipped on a wet maple leaf and injected himself with it
(the ketamine that is, not the leaf). “Uh oh,” He thought, “This is
going to be interesting.” And he was right. He went into a sort of
mini-coma and when he awoke the horses told him he had been laying on
the floor for a few hours. He never did tell anyone what he saw, but
from that day forward he refused to use any public bathroom unless his
wife would sit in an adjoining stall and play Greensleeves on a flute.
Anyway, kids and junkies eventually found out about Ketamine and
started dosing with it. And that’s that.

Effects

  • K-Hole

    When a person takes the right amount of this drug, their mind gets into
    a state that people like to call “in the K-Hole” (because Ketamine
    starts with a K, GET IT?!) Anyway, they say that this is like having a
    near-death experience. It sounds like a Ketamine (or near-death)
    experience might be a lot of fun if you don’t mind cosmic despair.

    K-Hole
    Wheeeeeeeeee!
  • Communication with Unknown Forces

    You may have the opportunity to have a chat with unknown or
    otherworldly forces when you take this drug. If you get this
    opportunity, by all means take advantage of it! Here are some funny
    jokes to play on them:

    1. Offer to play “20 Questions” with the spirits, and then pick
      something like “8 molecules of boron” as your answer. The spirit will
      never guess what you were thinking of, and even if it does, just lie
      and say that wasn’t it

    2. If The Force starts asking questions that make you
      uncomfortable, like “are your mommy and daddy home” or “you sound
      pretty, can you send me a picture of you in a bathing suit?” DO NOT
      answer these questions. After you recover from the drug, tell an adult

    3. Reveal intimate or personal details in an attempt to make the
      spirits uncomfortable. Then, in the awkward silence that follows,
      whisper “I love you” and begin to cry

    4. In case the otherworldly force is artificial intelligence,
      make a statement like “Everything I say is a lie.” This will put the AI
      into a logic loop and it should destroy itself

  • Spiritual Experience

    If you’re religious or “spiritual” (pretentious) you might have a
    life-changing experience on this drug. People who believe in shamanism
    or witchcraft may talk to trees or a wood nymph, Christians might get a
    hug from Jesus or Moses, and atheists may be enveloped in an uncaring
    sphere of nothingness and desolation (actually this is not so different
    from real life).

    Monkey Cards
    Alright monkey, deal me in!
  • Perception Changes

    Your perception of time, distance, scale, color, etc, might change. So
    if a blue midget ran in and started jumping up and down slowly in the
    doorway across the room, you might yell “Aaahhh! Stop jumping around
    directly in front of my face you flesh-colored giant!” This also means
    you probably shouldn’t try to play pictionary while you’re on this
    drug. Not like it matters anyway, pictionary is a pretty stupid game if
    you ask me.

Advice

Doesn’t take a genius to figure out what I’m going to say here: Don’t.


Alcohol

Alcohol

History

The cave people were the first to discover alcohol. A caveman was in
his house one day and decided to invent the barrel. He did this, but
found that he didn’t have anything to put in it, so he threw a bunch of
grapes in there just to test the thing out. Then an interesting show
came on TV and he forgot all about the grapes for a few months. When he
finally remembered, he opened the barrel and drank the sweet liquid
inside. Then his wife came home and started complaining because he
hadn’t swept the floor of the cave or emptied the dryer. He smacked her
across the face and invented stairs so she could tell her friends that
she had fallen down them. And so the first alcoholic was born. Not much
has changed since then, except someone else invented hamburgers, which
is pretty cool.

Effects

  • Becoming more Self-confident or Daring

    On a website they listed this as an effect of drinking. This must mean that people who drink are likely to do things like this:

    • Performing Stunts in a Biplane
    • Jumping Chasms
    • Eating at White Castle
    • Rescuing Damsels in Distress
    • Feats of Strength
Strength
Hnnnngaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

  • Impaired Speech

    Thhisssh iss a common mefect of drinkinalot of alccaaahall, yoocan’t
    talk good or nothing or even speaklikea gentttlemen do. and today
    algernon did the maze faster then me ms kinnian said I did good thoug.
    I dint know rats were so smart.

  • Hangover

    The morning after a night of heavy drinking and uncontrollably lolling
    your head back and spewing forth a fountain of pink vomit, usually you
    will have a hangover. This is your body’s way of saying “AAAAAAHHHHH!
    STOP DRINKING SO MUCH!” It’s probably best just to ignore it and try
    out mythical hangover cures instead. Here are a few little-known
    alternative remedies you can try:

    • Lick the icing off a banana nut pie using a friend's genitals
    • Suckerpunch a monk
    • Leap from a moving vehicle
    • Strut
    • Swallow at least 1 gallon of any red, pink, or off-white bodily fluid not belonging to you or a relative
    • Invade Poland
    • Taunt a dangerous ape
    • Call Jack Prescott, the busiest bankruptcy lawyer in
      Minnesota; he’s filed over 1000 cases; this is all he does, and he does
      it well
Prescott
Booya!

  • Angerness

    You might think it would be funny for others to see you stumbling
    around like a wino with a lampshade on your head, and you’d be right,
    it is! But drinking beer isn’t all about fun and games, there is a dark
    side. Unhappy people who drink liquor to feel happy are in for a big
    surprise. Usually, instead of sitting on the couch with your arms
    around your friends singing Irish folk tunes, you’ll end up smashing
    your head through the TV set, falling through the coffee table, and
    ripping your neighbor’s birdfeeder out of the ground in a blind rage.
    Nice job.

  • DNA Damage

    Yeah, I guess alcohol can damage your DNA if you drink a lot. I’m sure
    it isn’t important. According to Mr. DNA you can just get more of it
    from fossilized embryos of mosquitoes anyway if yours gets damaged, so
    drink away!

  • Being John Malcovich

    If you drink too much you run the risk of climbing through a crawlspace
    and ending up in John Malcovich’s head. You might be able to kiss a
    woman, you might kiss a horse, or you might kiss a man, depending on
    what Mr. Malcovich’s fancy is on that particular day. I wouldn’t chance
    it: Keep out.

Advice

Drink it only on special occasions such as your birth and your death

That's the end of part 2 of the Worthless Guide to Drugs. If you have
any questions or comments you can send them though the contact thing at
the bottom. That is all.

Continue to Part 3