By Acclaimed Film Director Paul Haggis
Hello, I'm acclaimed film director Paul Haggis. I've written scripts for hit family shows such as Walker: Texas Ranger, The Facts of Life, and [Hey,] Whose the Boss [Is This?]. Most recently, I penned the script to the (triple) Oscar winning film Crash which starred actors like Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock, Keith David, Don Cheadle, and Don Cheadle.
While crash was a huge success, I was never quite satisfied with the way it turned out. Due to pressure from studio bigwigs, I was forced to tone down the "obscenely unrealistic characters & situations" and "dialogue so laughable it seems to have been written by someone who is completely unfamiliar with the way normal human beings speak or interact with one-another"(their words), leaving my script toothless and ambiguous (the film is anti-racism, in case you were wondering).
So that's why I've decided to share my original vision for Crash with the world. Here's just a short excerpt. Hope you enjoy it.
A LARGE SUV (BLACK) HAS BEEN PULLED OVER BY POLICE. POLICE OFFICER DUKE (WHITE) STEPS OUT AND APPROACHES THE DRIVER OF THE VEHICLE, ABNER(BLACK). ABNER'S WIFE GERTY (BLACK) SITS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.
Well well well, what do we have here...two blacks out for a drive, eh!? Just what did you think you were doing? You two were speeding faster than ever.
I don't want any trouble officer, I am just trying to get to the bank. That's my job. I'm a hardworking bank teller, not a gang member, and proud of it. My wife, who is also black, is here in this car with me.
UTILIZING HIS HAND, ABNER POINTS AT GERTY. OFFICER DUKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
Please step out of the car sir.
GERTY THE BLACK WIFE (INEXPLICABLY SHOUTING)
Let me just make it clear right now that I am a strong modern black woman who won't take any guff from white cops! We did nothing wrong! This is profiling! Help! Help!
OFFICER DUKE DRAWS HIS POLICEMANS REVOLVER AND POINTS IT INTO THE CAR. HE SPEAKS INTO HIS RADIO.
Code 14, code 14! Boy oh boy there's trouble. Got two blacks here and the female appears to be theatrically resentful of bigoted authority figures. Please send backup. Both of you out of the car! Do it! Do it now! Hands on your head! Black faces to the ground! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! The minor differences in certain areas of our genomes make you inferior!
Please honey, let's just do what he says so we can be on our way to the opera. Did you hear that sir? We're attending an opera. It should be obvious that we are upper-middle class. Don't you see my wife's handbag there? That is a $200 handbag. We are listening to public radio. Please give us a break.
What?! You uppity blacks think you can do whatever you want! I'm going to punish you by fondling your black wife! I am a white cop who just does whatever he wants! Keep your mouth shut and watch the master at work.
OFFICER DUKE POKES GERTY'S REAR-END AND STICKS A CHUNKY WHITE FINGER IN HER MOUTH.
Oh hell yeah!
GERTY SQUIRMS UNCOMFORTABLY, MAKING A SCREWED UP FACE
Excuse me, perhaps you didn't notice, but you groped my black wife just then. You seem like a reasonable enough guy, so I'm willing to overlook this in the name of race-relations if you'll let us be on our way. You've had your fun. Let's all go home.
ABNER! He touched my butt and mouth! Blarg!
OFFICER DUKE TAKES OUT SOME POLICE HANDCUFFS
Shut up! I've had enough black-sass for one night. Put your hands behind your backs and stick your faces in the sand! You are under arrest for speeding and talking back. I hate you blacks because my father was mean. Paradoxically I also find myself physically attracted to the females of black race! Whoa!
OFFICER DUKE FINISHES HANDCUFFING GERTY, LICKS HER WRIST, AND MOVES OVER TO ABNER.
Why do you hate us! I drive an expensive car and I am wearing a suit! I wasn't even listening to rap music. This is patently absurd.
Save it, junior. You were listening to jazz which is just as bad, if not worse. Not only do blacks enjoy it, but it is also so do lowlife beatniks. Now reach for the clouds, lest I make you an angel who resides in one.
Ah! I am furious! I will kick your white ass to Proxima Centauri, the third star in the Alpha Centauri system!
Honey juice, you are only making this worse by using slang commonly associated with lower-class black stereotypes.
I'm adding threatening an officer to your list of offenses. You'll get the chair for this.
SUDDENLY ANOTHER COP CAR PULLS UP. JIMMY THE YOUNG WHITE ROOKIE COP STEPS OUT WITH HIS GUN DRAWN.
What is going on here, I heard you call in a code 14 on the radio, which means an attack on police.
These here blacks were causing a ruckus. The woman made threats. Let's bash their black brains in with our truncheons and plant zip guns on them!
Stop, in the name of the law! I am relatively young and I have no racial prejudice! The motto of police is protect and serve!
BUT IT IS TOO LATE. OFFICER DUKE SMASHES GERTY ON THE HEAD WITH HIS COP BATON AND BEGINS TO BEAT HER WITH IT. SUDDENLY A SPEEDING CAR DRIVEN BY AN ASIAN WOMAN COMES UP AND SMASHES INTO ALL OF THEM. THE SCREEN FADES TO AFRICAN-AMERICAN (BLACK).
OFFICER DUKE GETS TO HIS FEET. THERE IS BLOOD ALL AROUND AND THE SUV IS ON FIRE BEHIND HIM. FROM INSIDE HE HEARS A SCREAM.
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN OF INDETERMINATE ETHNICITY
Help! I'm trapped in here!
As a sworn officer of the law, it is my job to save you!
OFFICER DUKE REACHES INTO THE CAR AND PULLS HER OUT. TURNS OUT SHE IS GERTY. SHE HUGS HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND SQUEEZES HIS BUTT.
All in a days work ma'am. Hey, wait a second, maybe you coloreds aren't so bad after all. Somehow saving your life has essentially managed to erase a lifetime of deeply-ingrained racial hatred from my brain.
I am human, just like you.
That's right, we're all runners in this race, meaning the human race. I'm cured.
I love you...
I love your black body, and your human soul.
THE TWO KISS AND WALK INTO THE MOONLIGHT. THEY GET MARRIED AND HAVE MIXED RACE BABIES (THEY LOOK A LITTLE ASIAN). ABNER FINDS OUT HE IS GAY OR SOMETHING. OFFICER DUKE'S RACIST FATHER DIES OF CANCER AND EVERYONE SHRUGS BECAUSE HEY, WHO CARES.