Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
Christian Game Reviewer - Lucas BellHello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press.
 
But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and Gomorrah.
 

VIOLENCE 10/10

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
The main character, Sam "The Fish" Fishler, is an escaped convict with a bone to pick with the man. Having recently been charged with robbery and sexual assault, he is on the run from the law after raping and murdering a guard and escaping from the federal penitentiary. His mission: To avenge the death of his daughter Tracy at the hands of evil men. As you can probably tell already, this is not a game which is suitable for children or women. 
 
Throughout the game, Fishler will be called upon to perform "torture executions" on key characters, for which the player will be rewarded points and fresh guns. These executions are gruesome beyond compare, and encourage the player (meaning children) to perform the following actions on an enemy he is torturing:
  • Smash his head through a sink
  • Burn his face on a griddle
  • Put him in a locker
  • Shove his head through a brick wall
  • Put his head in the toilet
  • Cuss at him and hit him with your gun
  • Put him in a clothes dryer
Some might try to defend these actions by claiming that the enemies you use these attacks against are "bad guys" but this is no excuse. God loves all his children equally aside from homosexuals and women of low moral character. As I saw no evidence that either of these traits were held by the enemies in this game (most of them appeared to be good Christian white men), and as such, this reviewer finds the violence against them to be offensive at a molecular level.
 
God did not create molecules a few hundred years ago so that humans could squander them on the manufacture of CDs which could then be utilized for this sort of satanic filth. Such things lead only to damnation.
 

SEXUALS 6/10

 Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
The most egregious offense comes in the form of recorded dialogue. Occasionally enemies will cry out while engaged in battle with Fishler. Most of the time these exclamations are what you would expect from a game of this sort ("Die!" "You're going down!" etc) but from time to time they devolve into the sexually obscene.
 
For example, towards the beginning of the game, certain enemies will shout things similar to "Sam I f***ed your daughter's face, and it was good!" to which Sam will respond, "You bastard, I'll f*** your eyes out and s*** in your throat!" While I understand this is a realistic way for criminals to talk, I really did not need it in my living room. My four young children (ages four through ten) were watching me play the game, and call me old fashioned, but I don't feel like this kind of language should ever be heard by small children.
 
More to this point, my eight-year-old recently threw a toy hammer through our sliding door and threatened to "S*** f*** my face" if I wouldn't let him watch cartoons. I was so shocked I nearly forgot to slap him. Could a videogame really hold so much power over a child? The answer, of course, is a resounding yes.
 
I think we all know where to lay the blame: Right at the feet of Tom Clancy, the creator of this game. Shame on you Mr. Clancy. Shame on you.
 

MAGICK/OCCULT 2/10

 Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
Thankfully, Splinter Cell: The Conviction contains little in the way of witchcraft or witchery. However, this does not mean it is wholly free of darkly accoutrements. The entire basis of the game revolves skulking in the shadows, a practice favored by practitioners of the unclean arts. You did not see godly characters such as John The Baptist, Baby Moses, or the Good King Solomon slithering around in the darkness like serpents, nor should you have. As the good book says: "A man who is virtuous and true shall carry a torch with him wherever he shall go. In doing so, he brings the light of The Lord to all things.

CUSSING 10/10

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
In addition to the sexual cursing detailed above (which apparently wasn't enough), this game contains a number of other horrific cusses. Just off the top of my head, I can point to frequent usages of the S-Word, the F-Word, the MF-Word, the C-Word, The D-Word, and the R-Word. Peripheral characters are often referred to as D-Bags, D-Holes, and C-Bags, and innocent bystanders are frequently told to "Get F-ing down" or "J yourself off" or "get the hell out of the F-ing way" in as rude of a manner as possible. Would it kill you, Mr. Fishler, to say "Please" or "Thank You" once and a while? Apparently it would.

CHRISTIAN MESSAGE 9/10

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
It pains me to admit it, but at it's heart, Splinter Cell: Convictions does indeed contain a proper Christian message. Throughout the game, I found myself wondering "if my daughter was murdered by terrorists, wouldn't I do the very same things (murder, rape, sodomy, etc) to get vengeance for her?" The answer of of course, is a resounding yes. It is the right --nay, the duty-- of the good and righteous man to wreak his own brand of godly justice upon those who have wronged his family. It is the one and only time in which it is appropriate to commit horrible acts of sin. In other words "If you mess with my family, Katy, bar the door, because all bets are off."
 
But through I might agree with the message at the game's core, I still cannot bring myself to approve of it's existence. The bottom line is that those who wish to live vicariously through a tale of bloody vengeance need only look so far as the pages of their Gideon Bible, to the story of Christ Himself, who was murdered by godless heathens, subsequently rose from the dead, and proceeded to rain fiery vengeance down upon those who would oppose his will.
 

FINAL JUDGMENT

OVERWHELMING SIN!!!
Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction Hell
 Take Care When Playing With Children Around