CELEBRATING CELEBRITIES: FAMOUS LAST WORDS!

 Death

There are two things of which I am certain. The first: Death awaits us all. The second: The majority of human beings will end up saying at least a couple of words within their lifetime. When examined individually, neither of these events seems significant. A guy drops dead in front of you? Eh, big deal. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You hear someone speak? So what. Not surprising at all. Well, unless you're deaf. Then it'd probably be pretty shocking. Well, unless you're a deaf schizophrenic. Then you might not be too shocked by a disembodied voice.

 

Although...what if you were a schizophrenic who's been deaf since birth? Then you wouldn't even know what human speech sounds like. So if the voice of, say, Micheal Landon popped into your head one morning and started shouting things like "Chew on that baby's arm!" "Start a fire in the public library!" "Those dogs are laughing at you!" "Masturbate into an aquarium!" it would probably just sound like "Blaguhblagublah!". Also you wouldn't even know it was the voice of the dreamy-eyed heartthrob who played "Pa" on Little House on The Prairie and "Teenager Who Gets Turned Into a Werewolf" in I Was A Teenage Werewolf you were hearing, so the fear you feel wouldn't even be mitigated by the fond childhood memories that would've normally been conjured-up upon hearing said voice. Anyway, just some food for thought.     

 

Celebrity last words!

 


PAVEL CHERENKOV

Russian physicist, Nobel Prize Winner

Pavel Cherenkov

"Maybe I'll become a reverse flasher....I'll go to the park, stand in front of a couple young girls, and then slowly put on a warm coat."

 

DICK CLARK

American Television Host and Producer

Dick Clark

"I don't get why Jesus agreed to carry that crucifix to his own crucifixion. Just refuse! What are those soldiers gonna do, crucify you more?"

 

JOHN DEMJANJUK

Ukrainian-American Nazi War Crimes Defendant

John Demjanjuk

"The narrator in 'Hush Little Baby' has a  lot to learn when it comes to bribing children. Yeah, offer the kid a ring and a mirror, that'll shut him up. And seriously, a bull-drawl cart? Is that baby a peasant in medieval England? Honestly."

 

MARLON BRANDO

American Actor

Brando

"I've always wondered if anyone ever had the nickname "Suitcase". Like: Mike 'The Suitcase' Winslow or something like that."

 

PAT MORITA

American Actor

Pat Morita

"I don't understand this rivalry between the Crips and the Bloods. They're both fun groups!"

 

SHIRLEY TEMPLE

American Actress and Diplomat

Shirley Temple

"Wonder whatever happened to that old-timey thing of holding your finger under your nose when you were about to sneeze? I kind of miss that."

 

ISAAC ASIMOV

Russian-Born Science Fiction Author

Isaac Asimov

"A person could have plenty of reasons to drag a horse behind their car. Maybe the horse owed them money. You just never know."
 

SUN MYUNG MOON

Korean Religious Leader

Death

"If some old guy is caught with child porn, they should turn the tables and make him star in a porn movie for kids. Eye for an eye."

 

ROSA PARKS

American Civil Rights Activist

Rosa Parks

"Well I, for one, remain skeptical that absolutely EVERYBODY 'was kung-fu fighting'. Surely there must have been abstainers in the vicinity."

 

MICKEY ROONEY

American Actor

Mickey Rooney

"If I saw a dead body wearing sunglasses, I bet I probably wouldn't feel as sorry for it."


JESSE HELMS

United States Senator

Psh

"One thing that always annoys me in pornography is when they zoom in on a person's face. Who watches this stuff to see faces? I can see that on the street."

 

SAMMY DAVIS JR.

American Actor, Dancer, and Singer

Samy DJ

"There are way too many towns named Stillwater. They should change some of them to be named Toone's Alley instead. That 's a better name."

 

LUCILLE BALL

American Actress

Lucille Ball

"One thing you don't often see is a black ghost. Well I guess Ghost Dad was black, but then again that movie was probably fiction."

JOHN CANDY

Canadian Comedian and Actor

What kind of candy? John Candy, naturally
"They say living well is the best revenge, but I don't know about that. Torture seems like it'd be pretty good revenge too."

RICHARD M. NIXON

United States President 

Nixon: Nixon

"I don't get why people get all bent out of shape when a house of cards falls. Maybe stop building things out of cards, idiots."


POPE JOHN PAUL II

Pope

Sleep, Sleepy Pope

"If I were a train conductor, I wouldn't say 'all aboard!' I'd say 'Climb up in it, y'all! Climb up in it!'"

 

ELISABETH KUBLER-ROSS

Swiss-Born Psychiatrist

Kubler Ross

"I think my favorite thing about babies is how they can't report any of the crimes they witness."