Cheesy Catalog Review: Home Trends

TrendsI recently picked up this catalog at my grandma’s house. I’m not exactly sure what the theme of it is supposed to be. The cover claims that the publishers are “The Home Cleaning Experts”, so I thought it might be selling cleaning supplies, but then I looked inside and I couldn’t really find any cleaning stuff. So I can only assume that this catalog is built upon a foundation of lies and deception.

This is good news for me, because it probably means they have some crazy useless stuff for old people in here. I love it.



Products For Obsessive Compulsives

CarpetPlastic Carpet Sheeting

OK, so let me see if I’ve got the straight. YOU bought and installed carpet, YOU allowed people to wear muddy, wet shoes in your house, YOU started complaining when the carpet started to get dirty and worn out, and now YOU are going to cover the carpeting YOU have already allowed to become ruined with gaudy plastic sheeting. Is that pretty much the size of it?

But hey, here’s an idea: Instead of turning your entire house into a giant muddy slip-n-slide/crime scene, why not consider ASKING PEOPLE TO TAKE THEIR FUCKING SHOES OFF. What’s next, are you gonna cover your chairs with plastic in case someone happens to drop a small piece of food on them?

Chair

Plastic Chair Sheeting

Aaarrrggggjh! What is WRONG with you?! You seriously just covered a fabric chair in a tarp? WHY DID YOU EVEN BUY A FABRIC CHAIR?! Just buy a plastic chair! Cut out the middleman! People buy chairs with fabric cushions for one of two reasons: Comfort and looks. You’ve managed to nullify both of these. And it cost you 10 dollars per chair. Well done.

TableclothVinyl Tablecloth Protector

The idea that someone would even consider purchasing this product is offensive beyond belief. A tablecloth is meant to serve as a protective cover for your table. So what you are actually purchasing here is a protective cover for a protective cover. You had better be careful though. If you keep wasting your money like this, there isn’t going to be much left for you to will to your cats when you die.


Strange Products I Do Not Understand

Lift Your Refrigerator With One Foot

Fridge StepThe copy for this product reassures: “You don’t need to be super strong to lift your fridge!” and then instructs: “Insert one end of our Easy Lifter under any appliance or heavy furniture piece and gently step on the other end.” While this may sound impressive, it is important to note that the text does not actually explain what the hell the point of this thing is.

So alright, you’ve managed to “lift your appliance up to 3 inches off the ground”. Now what? You can’t really get anything from under it without help since your foot has to stay on the thing, and you sure can’t move the appliance around because only one end is lifted up. You’ve spent 15 dollars in order to accomplish nothing at all. Maybe this is supposed to be the homeopathy of home improvement products or something.

Similar Products (Also Available from Home Trends):
  • Rotate Your End Table Clockwise 14 Degrees
  • Chase the Cat Off Of The Stove By Screaming
  • Tear a Chunk out Of Some Sheetrock
  • Paint the Underside of Your Couch a Slightly Different Color

Squirrel Deterrent Bags

Feed BagNo! No! Get away you squirrels! That birdseed isn’t for you! That’s for a different species of affectionless wild animal I have arbitrarily chosen to feed! I don’t care how cute you think you are. Look at you, standing there on your hind legs with tiny little paws and your soft fur. It's pathetic.

Honestly, get out of here. You're really starting to piss me off. CAN'T YOU SEE I WAS ATTEMPTING TO FEED THESE SCREECHING ANTISOCIAL BLUEJAYS SO THEY WOULD CRAP ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR. You squirrels make me so angry!

Products Which Should Really Stop Telling Me What to Do

SafeShhhhh! It’s a Wall Safe

Hey! I don’t give a crap if it’s the world's best wall safe, there isn’t any cause for you do be shushing me. Do you have any idea how rude that is? I actually think it’s ruder to shush someone for making noise than it is to make noise in the first place.

So not only am I not going to shush, I’m deliberately going to go out of my way to make even more noise than I was originally. You brought this on yourself, pal.

Oh and by the way: Really stupid idea.



Go Ahead, Eat That Extra Piece of Pie

pantsOh ho. You can’t fool me, catalog. I know your tricks. You’re trying to fatten me up so I’ll have fewer friends, get out less, and therefore have more money to spend on the useless crap inside you. You wily old fox. Well I’m not falling for it. Just a second...

"No thanks mom, I won’t have that last piece of pie, I’m going to go for a jog instead."

Hah! See? You can't win. I'll be fit and thin in no ti- Wait a second, what IS this thing? A button extender that increases the waist size of your pants an inch? Oh my god. That is hilarious.



Final Rating

Uhm….this catalog gets... 4/5 Stars.