Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself: Gun Safety

Kid GunBy Martin “The Baron” Russmier
In Jupiter’s name! I’ve just realized my beloved guide to bullying has turned into more of a guide to self-defense! No matter, I’ll simply rename it slightly and press on (with Jupiter’s blessing, of course).

In the TWO PREVIOUS articles I discussed ways to win verbal and physical battles with bullies. In this section though, I’m going to school you on something far more deadly: Gunplay. Now I’ve never owned, touched, fired (or even really seen) a firearm before, but I think I know a thing or two about how they work. So let’s talk guns.


Part 3: Gun Safety

As any gun nut will tell you, safety is one of the most important parts of gunplay (another term for gun safety). Every year, throughout the world, two or three deaths are caused by the gun accidents. Don’t let yourself be one of these (the accidents, I mean). Anyway, you can’t expect to be picking up a loaded pistol and waving it around in people’s faces without consequences. Expect to get a lecture from a cop (or at the very least, a stern look).

Three Key Rules

When we think about gun safety, we should always be sure to remember the 3 (three) tenets of firearm safeness. They are as follows (in alphabetical order):

1. Loaded or Unloaded? YOUR SAFETY is the Real Mystery…

LoadedBottom line folks: Never point a loaded gun at someone. If you’re going to play with a gun, ALWAYS MAKE SURE IT IS UNLOADED FIRST. Take out the clip and set it on a coffee table or counter. And, just to be doublesafe, point the gun into a sink or stack of pillows, and try to fire it six times (this is how many bullets are in a clip). This way you know it’s empty. The life you save could be your own.

2. Kids & Guns Don’t Mix!

Baby GunsWe’ve all heard the stories; little Ronald goes into his father’s unlocked gun cabinet and takes out a machine gun. “Let’s play army”, he says to sister Suzy, “you can be the brown man and I’ll be America.” “Alright.” Says Suzy.

Soon enough, little Ronald is doing a nickel down at Attica and mommy and daddy are picking pieces of sister Suzy’s skull out of the shag carpeting. This might seem gross to you, but that’s the facts, bub. Life is cruel, and we all die alone and afraid, like sniveling beasts. Oh, but yeah…the point of this one was supposed to be: lock up your guns.

3. One at Hand (For Robbers)

Hand GunAt first, this is going to seem like a contradiction to the last one, but actually it isn’t. If you’re keeping guns around for self-defense, you should always keep a loaded one near where you sleep. It doesn’t much matter where (Under a pillow, in a drawer, under a stack of newspapers, in a toychest) but just make sure it’s there.

The reason behind this is simple: If random crooks break in and try to knife your family, the guns in your safe aren’t going to do you much good. What are you going to say, “Can you please hold on a minute insane criminals, I just have to find the keys, head over to my safe, unlock it, find a gun, get some bullets out, load it, and then shoot you because by a one-in-two-billion chance you randomly happened to break into my quiet suburban home in the middle of the night for no apparent reason?” Brother, you’ve got problems! Suggestion: Keep a loaded gun in your shirt pocket at all times.


How to Shoot Criminals

Some might say it’s foolish to try to teach someone to fire a gun at a badguy over the internet. Luckily I have a lot more faith in my readership than these goombas do. I’m sure firing a gun is not too difficult at all, and there’s no reason to be afraid to try. My father always said “If you can’t try, you can’t fail or you can’t win.” I think this definitely applies to gun safety too. Anywhoo, let’s finish off this article with some battle tips.

Snap CowboySnap the Gun Forward

We’ve all seen it in the old films: A cowboy pokes out at the air in front of him with his gun each time he shoots. This may look silly, but actually there’s a scientific reason behind it: It adds momentum to your bullet. You may not think this would be required with modern guns, but every little bit helps. So push your gun out each time you fire a shot to make sure the enemy feels the full force of your bullets.

Aim for the Head

The head is the easiest place to hit on a target. It’s at the top of their body, and usually not covered by clothing. Shooting someone in the chest is pointless. Any criminal worth his salts will be wearing a steel chest plate.

Ahead Runners

Shoot Ahead of Runners

If you’ve ever played a realistic war video game, you’ll know that you have to do what is called “leading the target on”. This means that you shoot in front of them instead of at them, since a bullet takes 3-4 seconds to reach its destination.

Have Fun & Don’t Blame the Gun

Lastly (but not leastly) be sure and have a great time with your gun. Guns have gotten a bad rap over the years (mostly because of all the deaths), but it’s important to remember that guns didn’t cause those deaths. It was the crooks who did it. If people would just stop committing crimes, we wouldn’t need to buy assault rifles and dangerous old civil war pistols anymore. But unfortunately, poor people are still going want HDTVs and MP3 players even though they can’t afford them and don’t even really know what they are, so I think guns are here to stay.



Thank you, good night, and may Jupiter’s blessings forever be upon you. Oh and again, check out the TWO PREVIOUS bullying articles right now if you haven't already. Jupiter's blessings again.