Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has
arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you
may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars)
set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans.
These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not clash
with the Coca-Cola commemorative plates, framed Coca-Cola photographs,
and dust-encrusted Coca-Cola Calendars which currently adorn the walls
of your cluttered, cat-piss-smelling hovel.
With just a simple credit card transaction, these gaudy symbols of
unabashed consumerism will be shipped directly to your front door,
where they may then be torn from the box in a frenzy and slapped upon
the walls as symbols of your pathetic brand loyalty to one of the
world's largest and least interesting corporations!
So let's dive right in and take a look at the specific features which
make these particular sources of artificial (yet godly) luminescence so
FEATURE 1: PROMINENTLY DISPLAYS CORPORATE BRANDING
As a rule, I do not allow any product in my home which does not have a
recognizable brand name printed on it. This is done for a myriad of
reasons, but foremost among these is so that visitors to my home do not
realize I am poor. So I can really appreciate the idea of these lights.
If a homeowner were to buy generic white lights, they were surely be
subject to ridicule from their more wealthy (gated community dwelling)
peers, due to their obvious lack of class and moral substance. But to
proudly display these Coca-Cola branded pot lights however,
demonstrates a patriotism and dignity which has been heretofore unheard
of in the low-end housing sector, and would doubtless increase the
respect a less fortunate homeowner would receive from his or her
Bonus Protip: Fans of these lights should also check out some
of these other fantastic branded household products, which confer an
even greater status bonus on the purchaser:
- Microsoft Excel 2003 Coffee Filters
- Nokia TracPhone 120 Minute Refill Card Throwrug
- Kid 'N Play "2 Hype" Handtowels
- Gillette Mach4 Brand Fleshlight
- Jame's Cameron's Avatar 50 Amp Inlet Box CS6364N (125/250V) For
- Mercedes-Benz Home Abortion Kit/Dryer Lint Trap Cleaner
FEATURE 2: INCLUDES PROPOSITION 65 WARNING
Under to California state law, this product was awarded the prestigious
"Proposition 65" Award. This special status is bestowed upon products
which "[contain] chemicals known to the State of California to cause
cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm." A high honor
Although I do wonder just how scientists were able to discover this,
because one would assume that the target audience for this sort of
product would already produce a decent amount of flipper-footed
children due to inbreeding anyway, that it would be somewhat difficult
to discern which flippers were caused by the parents chewing on a
poisonous electrical cord and which would have occurred "naturally"
anyway. But I guess that's science for: Always achieving the impossible.
FEATURE 3: SPECIALLY DESIGNED BY FAMED HUMAN BEING KURT ADLER
Many of you might find yourselves wondering just who the hell Kurt
Adler is. This is an exceedingly difficult question for me to answer,
partly because I haven't the faintest idea who Kurt Adler is, and
partly because I do not wish to expend the time or energy which would
be required for me to look it up.
But I do have a few theories about who (or what) Kurt Adler is. I have
detailed them below.
Kurt Adler Is A Human Being
Straight away, we can rule out the idea that Kurt Adler might be a
plant, single-celled organism, domesticated animal, or mythical
creature like a unicorn or sea monster. It seems pretty obvious to me
that none of these creatures would have the foresight, ingenuity, or
intelligence to design a product which would be marketable at retail.
This of course means that he is either: Human, an inanimate object, or
an otherworldly construct composed of dark matter. Since the latter two
are rarely (if ever) given last names, I think it's only logical to
conclude that Mr. Adler is, in fact, human.
Kurt Adler Is Male
I have never known a woman named Kurt. Moreover, I am certain (and
science backs me up on this) that if any female were to be named Kurt,
that she would spontaneously grow a penis and beard, thus ceasing (for
all intents and purposes) to be female. It can therefore be concluded
that Kurt Adler is either a male, or a hermaphrodite. And all the
hermaphs I've met drink Pepsi. Case Closed.
Kurt Adler Might Be The Man In The Above Photo
I found the picture at the beginning of this section on Flickr by doing
a search for "Kurt Adler". The caption reads: "I can't remember this
guy's name. But he's nice enough". Seeing as this was the only image of
a human being which happened to turned up, there is a distinct
possibility that the man in the photo might be a human being named Kurt
Adler who may or may not have also designed these Coca-Cola lights.
Kurt Adler Is A Genius
Although we do not know who he is, his genius is irrefutable. Think
about it: Who else but a genius could have come up with the idea to
combine diet cola with string lighting? Surely he will go down in
history with Thomas Edison and George Foreman as one of the greatest
inventors of all time. Thank god for you, Kurt Adler.
Thank God for you.
achieve such extreme levels of drooling idiocy. Great job guys!