Ballooning Pamphlet For The Elderly

I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am
distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the
outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free
time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of
a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that
the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes
me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion,
despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.

As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old
person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of
ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To"
pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens. 

Here are just a few titles I've got coming down the pipeline:

  • Doctors Without Bulges: What To Do When Your Physician Is A Broad
  • Mahogany & Alabaster: Coping With The Continued Existence Of
    Interracial Couples
  • The Ceaseless Passing Of Gas
  • Chariots Of Death: Don't Let Blindness And/Or Dementia Stop You
    From Driving
  • Powder Blue Pants: A Buyer's Guide
  • "Tastes Fine To Me": Why Adherence To Expiration Dates Is For
    Suckers
  • Failing To Account For The Existence Of Inflation When Reflecting
    Aloud Upon How Inexpensive Consumer Goods Were 60+ Years Ago
  • There's A Group Of Teenagers: Better Cross to The Other Side Of
    The Street
  • Reading Billboards Aloud: Making It Work For You
  • Assuring Familial Compliance Through Naggery
  • Canes: They Aren't Just For Pimps & Cripples
  • Infuriating Others By Pointlessly Narrating Your Actions As You
    Perform Them
  • Taping Up Your Arm Flab In Such A Way That Nobody Will Notice
  • Those Two Men Are Kissing: Gross
  • Peering Through The Blinds: A Guide To Living Across The Street
    From Asians
  • Feigning Interest: Why It Doesn't Matter If Your Grandchildren
    Are Doing It

 
So if you, (or someone you love) happens to be afflicted with
elderlyness, I encourage you to keep an eye out for these handy guides
at your local VFW, sleep apnea clinic waiting room, or rinkydink buffet
luncheon hall.