Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said “I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 2: Table Manners

Table Manners Table manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to ensure good digestion? Perhaps you’ve heard that in 16th century China, chewing with your mouth open was believed to have been poor luck for gamblers. Pretty interesting huh? Well, maybe not quite as interesting as you may have thought, because it turns out that those were all lies. Not even remotely true. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? So anyway, now that I’ve taught you all a valuable lesson about dishonesty in modern society, I present to you this hard-hitting look at table manners around the world. I would also like to point out that it would probably be considered no-holds-barred, and also that it pulls no punches. So look forward to that.

Behold! For I am Otherkin! (Feel My Power)

Otherkin Being Otherkin is a lot like being black in the 50s. What I mean by this is that coming out of the closet as an Otherkin (like coming out as a black person) can be dangerous to your health. I personally have had people shout slurs at me in the park, had a large carton of Whoppers candy thrown at my back, and been denied a position in data entry simply because I am not shy about telling people that my body contains the soul of an ancient dragon named Stryyker.

So since not many people in the world seem to understand what it means to be an Otherkin, I figured I would write this Q&A to straighten you people out. 

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 4: Urban Environments

Riot When most people think about survival they usually imagine themselves hurling crude spears at boars in the Amazon, or brushing snow from their beard as they slog through waist-high snow wearing a bearskin overcoat. These images come from the most common survival scenarios (Disastrous Jungle Treasure Hunt & Arctic Plane Crash, respectively) but it’s important to remember that in some rare cases you may need to “survive” in urban environments as well. In this guide we’ll discuss some useful urban survival techniques such a tailing a thief, surviving a riot, and gently stroking your zombified uncle’s thinning hair as he sputters and dies of multiple shotgun blasts to the face and eyes.

Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)

Powers Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you decide which you're going to go for.

Awful Scifi Tech: The 6th Day & Total Recall (Creepy Android Edition)

6th Day
By Kevin
Funnyman Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in two reasonably popular science fiction films, The 6th Day and Total Recall. Aside from taking place in the future and being goofy to the point of near insanity, these films also share another common trait: They both contain supercreepy androids. In The 6th Day it’s SimPal Cindy, a gape-mouthed animatronic mannequin child with beady eyes. In Total Recall it’s JohnnyCab, who looks a bit like an evil ventriloquist dummy version of Don Knotts dressed like a 1920s bus driver. Be warned that this article contains a number of frightening pictures and videos of these creatures, so it should probably not be viewed by small children or pets.

Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Growing OldNobody ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in the road.

Frankly, if people like this would just take the time to learn about the elderly instead of deliberately running down helpless animals in the street, perhaps this world would be a better place. So, for the sake of education: Here is a Q&A in which I answer most (if not all) of the questions you might have about the elderly and growing old.