How To Lose Weight (A Needlessly Insulting Guide)

How to Lose Weight Insulting Guide

Guest Post From Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw

How To Lose Weight - Dr. PhilHowdy
folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with
some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good.
Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense
approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample
behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles
out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.
 
But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be
"Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss
books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What
you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice.
What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.
 
And by God I intend to give it to you.

How To Burglar-Proof Your Home

 Home Security
By
Martin "The Baron" Hubley

The BaronHow
would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your
belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including
the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't
be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly!
I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do
crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a
hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal.
Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich
man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he
was only trying to survive.
 
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is
to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your
neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all
part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips
I have for securing your home against invaders.
 
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on
the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I
write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)

5 Phrases Nerds Should Really Stop Using

Do nerds still exist? I would propose that they do, in a sense. They’ve [d]evolved from their gentle pocket-protector-wearing, dungeons-and-dragons-playing origins into something far more sinister. The internet has given them a voice. A place from which they can rail against The World Which Has Abandoned Them without fear of reprisal. The nerd is the Troll and the Twitter Threatener. He is the social cripple and the sniveling masturbator. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by his significantly less deranged peers, he has sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective.

Here, he is given the opportunity to climb a different sort of social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by His Ability To Act And Think And Speak In Exactly The Same Way As The Insular Group Of Blubbering And Perpetually-Indignant Manchildren He Has Chosen As His Peers.

It wasn’t always so. Oh, wait, it actually has been. These jerks have always been around. They’re just angrier and more visible now. Well, no matter. Below you will find a few common embarrassing nerdly phrases that nerdy old nerd nerds used to use (and occasionally still use) on the internet.

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How to Craft the Perfect Resume

Warrior

Howdy ya'll, this is your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley
here again to spurt some more knowlege into your mouths and onto the
front of your shirts. How many times has this happened to you: You
apply for a job, but the boss gives it to someone else! Sure is rotten
isn't it?! Well never fear, The Baron's here to tell you that the
reason you missed out on that golden opportunity isn't because your a
loser, it's because you're resume is one!

All aboard the learning train folks! There are three important
properties every resume should have: Heart, Hope, & Be Passionate.
Heart means make 'em cry. Hope means give em' the hope that you're the
best man (or gal) for the job! And C. Above all Be Passionate!
Passion is the sloppy goop that makes the world go round, so let em'
have it! On the day of your interview, walk straight in the door, hand
over your resume, and slather your interviewer with a sloppy dose of
passion all over their face and in their mouth. They won't know what
hit em'!

But for more detailed tips, read on to check out yours truly's very own
resume. You'll have that job in no time!

The Life & Time Of Distinguished Historian William H. MacMillan

Jacket

Each morning at 5:30 sharp, distinguished historian William H.
MacMillan would leap from his third-level bunk bed, flip on the lights,
and, jutting out his jaw, begin to beat upon his chest with his fists,
declaring himself to be high king of the jungle. His fourteen sisters
would grumble and groan, thrashing about in their beds and pulling the
quilts over their faces, pleading with him to let them sleep.
 
On this particular morning however, he had other plans.
 
"Sqwawk, sqwawk!" he cried, pecking at the air, "Lazy bones make for
lazy days! Sqwawk, sqwawk!"
 
"Uuunnnhhhhhhhhh..." said his sisters.

How To Write a Proper Thank-You Note

Suicide Note
Thank-You notes are,
without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way
our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended
a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest
Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the
party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great
party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had
next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first
thing you should realize is that
calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a
subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature,
and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their
tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic
predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right
to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys
who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them.
But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.