If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually violated. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.
As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:
A. Starve to death
B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".
I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.
Disclaimer: Obviously this article is purely hypothetical, and is in no way intended as any sort of "poisoners guidebook", but I certainly can't stop anyone from actually trying any of these things. All I would say to anyone depraved enough to do so (aside from "please don't") is: If you end up getting caught, I'd appreciate it if you avoid mentioning where you got the idea.
Most of you probably believe that poisoning a co-worker with illegal psychedelics because they stole food from a communal refrigerator is more than a little extreme. Honestly, so do I. But that doesn't make the idea of doing it any less amusing to me, so I'm just gonna go ahead and discuss it anyway.
"Oh what's that you say? You want some of my leftover pizza? Sure. Go right ahead! But just so you're aware, I always like to place a couple thousand micrograms of LSD on each piece. You know, for kicks. But don't worry, if you don't go in for that sort of thing, you don't have to eat it.
Say again? You already took the entire box out of the fridge and ate it without my permission five minutes ago? Hoo boy. That really is a shame. Truly it is. I suppose all you can do now is get you to a darkened room and hope the twelve to fourteen hour descent into nightmarish, ego-shattering psychedelic madness you're about to experience will teach you not to eat food that doesn't belong to you. Now if you'll excuse me, I've probably got some filing to do or something."
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: Extremely LowIn all honestly, you needn't worry too much about doing any long-term damage to someone you've secretly dosed with acid. Aside from some truly intense visual hallucinations and the soulrendingly terrifying plunge into your own subconscious, there's really not much that can go wrong with an acid trip.
Regardless of what the DEA or D.A.R.E. would like you to believe, LSD Poses No Real Physical Danger To 99.99% Of The Population. Well, maybe no direct physical danger anyway. One "issue" which may arise is if the guy you've just poisoned "freaks the fuck out" and goes on a rampage, slicing off his kneecaps with a rusty soup can lid and devouring a small child before leaping into the path of an oncoming train full of lesbian nuns or something. Obviously this is unlikely to occur, but one can never be completely sure about such things.
Luckily, avoiding this sort of reaction is fairly simple: All you must do is ensure that the dose of acid the food thief receives is so high that they can do little but lie on the ground for several hours in a near-catatonic state. This will either be the most terrifyingly experience imaginable, or it'll be so beautiful it changes their life forever. Either way, you can rest assured that your megadosed pizza roll pilferer will barely be able to comprehend their own existence, let alone do harm to anyone.
So hey: no worries!
Ah yes, the laxative. Just the name brings back memories of my old college days when my dorm buddies (Drooper, Fat Randy, The Rickster, Hoofboy, Ol' Viggy) and I would go back and forth, constantly prank back and forth by lacing each other's milkshakes with dangerous doses of laxatives until someone (who would be deemed "the loser") would double over, give a bloodcurdling scream, and then simply begin spraying large chunks of bloodied stool from his rectum before passing out due to severe dehydration at which point one of us would say "you look a bit parched" and then proceed to gleefully urinate all over his semiconscious form.
And even though I obviously just made all that crap up, my point still stands: You can put laxatives in food in order to cause diarrhea and/or gastrointestinal discomfort.
But if you plan to do so, just remember that there are multiple types of laxatives out there. To go into detail here would be both pointless and dull, so let us just say that for the purposes of doping a coworker's food (meaning, of course, your food which they have stolen), one should choose a "hydrating" type laxative such as magnesium sulfate rather than a bulk-producing type such as Metamucil. Metamucil is all but worthless when it comes to laxative poisoning, but if 2-4 teaspoons of magnesium sulfate (Epsom Salts), were ingested, most food thieves would probably filling their pants within the hour (which I would assume is what one would prefer).
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: Probably Low, But Then Again: What Do I Know?Obviously I'm not a doctor, but it's probably not that big of a deal to secretly give someone a small dose of epsom salts to teach them a valuable (and likely hilarious) lesson about stealing. That said, heaping megadoses of laxatives into anyone's food (thief or no), could potentially cause a whole bunch of serious problems. So unless you wanna run the risk of being charged with the "accidental" murder of the fat guy from Legal who kept eating your chicken club sandwich, you might want to leave the epsom salts at home.
Once, when I was a kid, I stayed overnight at my grandmother's house. Just before bed, I found that I had some pain in my shoulders, and asked her what I should take for it. She said "Oh, just put some Bengay on it, that'll fix it right up." Not knowing what Bengay was or how it worked, I went into the bathroom and proceeded to slather 6-10 handfuls of it all over my entire upper body. Then I went to bed. A short time later, the Bengay began to "work", and I spent the next hour or so rolling around on the floor shrieking and clawing futilely at my sizzling skin in burn victim agony.
It's safe to say I learned a valuable lesson that day: Never take advice from someone who is old.
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: High?
Well, since Putting Way Too Much Bengay On Your Skin Can Apparently Kill You, I'll go out on a limb and say that it probably isn't safe to ingest it either. But I'll also go out on a limb and say that if you slathered a small dollop of it on a sandwich instead of mayonnaise, the guy who takes a bite of it probably isn't gonna want to swallow it when the inside of their mouth starts burning with the fire of a thousand red dwarfs.
But let's be honest here: There's only one real way to find out.
4. SMALL BITS OF FRIED RODENT
This method differs slightly from the others, in that you are not "adding" the rodent to another food. The idea here is to bread and deep fry a dead rodent (mole rat, marmot, dwarf-tailed squirrel, etc) so that it resembles fried chicken. While one could certainly clean and gut the animal beforehand, this would likely ensure that the resulting food was "not very gross", and so defeating the entire purpose of tricking someone who was trying to steal your lunch into eating a small rodent. Therefore it is recommended that you procure a dead, rotting rodent from a dumpster somewhere and fry it up with its fur, eyes, teeth, claws, and innards fully intact.
Mark my words: When a devious coworker crunches down into a juicy hunk of gristly organs, charred fur, and tiny, greyish rodent bones, they won't be much inclined to raid the breakroom refrigerator for quite a while. Once they're able to stifle the endless geyser of vomit which will undoubtedly begin streaming from their gaping maw, go ahead and explain what you just did to them. Most likely, they'll shake your hand and thank you for teaching them the difference between right and wrong.
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: Potentially HighDepending on how long the rodent has been dead (and what diseases it was carrying) the person who eats your fried muskrat is subject to a number of risks, up to and including:
- Being Pretty Grossed Out
- Light Indigestion
- E. Coli
- Botulism (Loss of Speech/Vision, Muscle Weakness, Muscle Paralysis)
In short: Use your best judgment when feeding what could be improperly prepared dead rodents to people without their knowledge.
5. EXPLODING DYE PACK
Those of you without a well-developed thirst for vengeance might prefer to "mark" a workplace food thief for later identification, rather than causing harm to him or her. If this is the case, you might want to consider placing some Exploding Dye Packs (the type often used to foil bank robbers) into your lunchbag.
Then, when the thief attempts to sneak out of the room with your bag, a small transmitter (which you have secretly placed near the breakroom's exit) sends a signal to the dye pack when it comes into range, causing it to explode, releasing a large cloud of red smoke, a burst of red dye. This chemical reaction also causes the dye pack burn at a temperature of 400 degrees Fahrenheit, which is also a plus.
For obvious reasons, this method will only work if you have access to these materials, if the pilferer steals your entire lunch (as opposed to just taking one item from the bag), and that also they remove it from the break room to eat it. As a failsafe, you might try spending a day or two lying in wait near the fridge, crouched under a table or behind a piece of nearby furniture with a bottle of ink clutched in your hand. That way, if someone tries to take your food you can at least leap out, shout "ho ho!", and hurl the ink all over them. Sure, it's low tech, but I still feel like it'd be pretty satisfying.
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: ModerateWell, unless someone has a severe allergy to ink, not much is probably gonna go wrong on that front. I'd say the real danger here comes in the form of the 400+ degree chemical burns the victim of your revenge has the potential to sustain. I'll let you decide for yourself how dangerous a thing like that can be.
6. SOUL-BLISTERINGLY SPICY CHILI PEPPER
I feel like A Simple Quote should suffice here:
"The hottest hot sauce scientifically possible is one rated at 16,000,000 Scoville units, which is pure capsaicin. Examples of hot sauces marketed as achieving this level of heat are Blair's 16 Million Reserve (due to production variances, it is up to 16 million Scoville units)"
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: LowLet me tell you: I'm so oversensitive I can barely even eat "Medium" Tostitos salsa without slipping into a capsaicin-induced coma, so I can't even begin to fathom the pain a person would experience upon eating one of these fabled superchilis. I was able to find One Chili Farmer who described the feeling of eating an entire Bhut Jolokia pepper (rated at one million Scoville units) as "an all-out assault on the senses, akin to swigging a cocktail of battery acid and glass shards."
Somehow though, I feel like this is an understatement.
7. PIG FETUS(S)
Alright, obviously I'm not gonna include any photos of pig fetuses on here, because hey: Pig fetuses are pretty nasty. If you really want to see what they like, you can Click This Link, but I don't really recommend it.
But if you're not too grossed out and can find a pig fetus, it'd definitely pretty simple to trick someone into eating one. All you'd have to do is put a bunch of them (they can be pretty small) them inside a sandwich with some lettuce or something, and then place the sandwich inside a paper sack in the fridge. You might want to label the sandwich bag something like "chicken sandwich" or something, to reduce the chances of the thief opening it up to see what's in side. Then, when someone steals your lunch, one of three things will happen:
- They will open the sandwich before eating it, discover that it is full of pig fetuses, and vomit in disgust.
- They will bite into the sandwich, discover that it is full of pig fetuses, and vomit in disgust.
- They will bite into the sandwich, discover that it is full of pig fetuses, shrug, and eat the rest of it anyway.
As far as I'm concerned, all three results would be considered a success.
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: VariableIf you were to take the time to properly cook (or at least sterilize) the fetuses before use, I'm sure they wouldn't do much harm to anyone. But cooking them also makes them significantly less gross, which would kinda defeat the whole purpose of making a pig fetus sandwich anyway. And as for sterilizing them, I don't even know if that's possible. You'd really have to consult a fetus expert or something. But I do know that serving them uncooked is probably not much safer than eating raw pork.
Which is to say, not too safe.
8. CS GAS (AKA TEAR GAS)
Just because CS Gas is most often used to subdue violent (or otherwise uncooperative) rioters and prisoners, that doesn't mean you can't use it on a coworker who tries to eat some yogurt without permission. Then again, it might be illegal to even own this stuff, so I'd suggest you do some research before you go around hucking canisters of it through the windows of street vendor carts and nursing homes.
Even so, you can't deny that it would be pretty funny to spray down all your food with a bit of CS (the effects of which range from "mild tearing of the eyes to immediate vomiting and prostration") and then wait to see which of your thieving coworkers takes the bait and has to be rushed to the emergency room due to a relatively minor social infraction they've committed. Or maybe you don't think that'd be funny at all, and I'm really just some kind of sick, sadistic animal who should be locked away due to his complete disregard for other human beings.
Yeah that's probably it.
Risk Of Death Or Serious Injury: Either Low, Or Extremely High
CS is usually considered "non-lethal", but Doubts Have Been
Raised regarding its safety. So sure, it might kill a guy,
cause permanent nerve
damage, or alter his DNA or something, but remember: THIS PERSON
TO EAT SOME OF YOUR LEFTOVER CURLY FRIES WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.
are those who would consider even death to be too mild a punishment for
such an offense.
AND SO...I've hope you've come away with a least a couple of good ideas for Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food. And be sure and take note of the "Theoretically" in there, because there's no way in hell I'm taking the fall if some kid decides it'd be funny to smear a chili-pepper stuffed dead rat with Bengay and laxatives before shoving it down his elderly boss's throat to punish her for eating a couple of his Mentos off his desk earlier in the day.
I've been down that road before, and I don't plan to take it again. So if someone is stealing your food at work, don't take matters into your own hands by attempting to poison them: Steal someone else's.
Thanks, and good luck!
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