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Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling
self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work,
perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of
those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling
inner-peace.
 
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share
with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost
certainly help you feel better about who you are.

 
 

7. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH LOSERS

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The idea behind this is what's known as the "Jerry Springer Effect",
named for the increased sense of self-worth many people experience upon
viewing an episode of The Jerry Springer Show (or any other program
which prominently features extremely pathetic or mentally deranged
people). Certainly it stands to reason that most of us would feel
better about our own lives when confronted with some dwarf who cut off
his own legs to please a Hermaphroditic pimp with Down's Syndrome and
an amputee fetish.
 
The same principle holds true for friendships. The last person I'd want
for a friend is a self-made, outgoing, successful, funny, good-looking
guy who is satisfied with his life. "Oh I just bought a house...oh my
new baby learned to walk...oh I got a new 50 Inch TV...oh my wife is
the most wonderful woman in the world and I'm so happy!" It'd be enough
to make a person sick.
 
That's I'd much prefer to hang around with some deadbeat sad-sack who
can never seem to catch a break. If they've got trouble with women, or
substance abuse problems, all the better! Just so long as I can
occasionally say to myself "I might have problems but at least I don't
have to deal with (that manslaughter conviction/the repossession of my
car/genital warts/that creepy bearded stalker) like that poor bastard (INSERT
FRIEND NAME HERE
) does." You'd be surprised how much better it can
make you feel.
 
NOTE: "Losers" should not be confused with "Disabled People",
as being around the former provides you the opportunity to bask in the
healing light of Schadenfreude
while the latter's boundless, unflinching optimism in the face of
adversity will only cause you to feel even worse about the way you've
squandered your good health.

 

6. BUY A NEW CAR

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One surefire way to invigorate your fragile ego is to purchase a
vehicle of some kind. It has been scientifically proven (by scientists
in a lab with bunsen burners and white coats and everything) that the
act of buying things gives human beings a huge rush of endorphins or
dopamine or some or sciencey chemical-type thing. What am I a
neurologist? How the hell should I know? All I know is it makes people
feel good for an indeterminate period of time.
 
Another (perhaps somewhat less desirable) rush of chemicals into the
brain is caused by the new car smell, which is really
nothing but an airborne cocktail of poisonous chemical compounds

which has leached from the plastics, lubricants, and adhesives used in
the manufacture of the car.
 
In a way, driving a new car is a lot like spending a few hours each day
huffing an enormous can of industrial solvent you paid $25,000+ dollars
for. But don't let the possibility of brain damage deter you. Many
automakers (Jeep, for example) rely solely on brain-damaged customers
to purchase their cars, as the permanent dissociative haze which
characterizes these people's lives often prevents them from recognizing
poor workmanship, laughably low resale value, or hideous aesthetics.

 

5. CARRY AROUND PHOTO OF RURAL WISCONSIN

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That way, when you're feeling mopey, you can take the photo out, study
it, and say to yourself: "Well...shitty as my life may be, at least I'm
not in rural Wisconsin."
 

4. GET BACKROOM PLASTIC SURGERY

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If you're unsatisfied with an aspect of your body, why not pay an
exorbitant amount of money to have an unlisenced medical practitioner
in a third world country haphazardly change it for you? Let me tell
you, it can be a real self-esteem booster, and everybody who's anybody
is doing it.
 
Nose a little bulbous? Travel to Albania and pay a one-eyed guy named
Fatmir 50,000 Lek to cave it in for you. Eyebrows too thick? Have them
off and have some frightening unnatural ones tattooed in! Hair line a
little lopsided? No problem! Just visit a flophouse in southern
Cambodia where a tiny Asian woman will inject you with far too much
lidocaine, causing you to pass out, at which point you will be wrapped
in a filthy, blood-drenched sheet, dragged to a nearby warehouse, where
you will be traded to group of white slavers for seven large balls of
gum opium. 
 
 

3. CRUSH SOMEONE'S FOOLISH DREAM

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Seeing your own desires to fruition is hard work, but luckily there's a
far easier shortcut to self-satisfaction: Trampling the dreams of
others. It's really very easy to do, so long as you're honest and
matter-of-fact. Most people KNOW that their dreams are ridiculous, and
it only takes one trusted friend or close relative to come along and
shatter them into dust with a brutally honest assessment of their
childishness.
 
For example, let's say you've got an adult sister who has dreamt of
being a pop singer even since she was a little girl. She's been trying
her whole life to make a career for herself as an amateur singer but
has failed miserably at every turn. Now go ahead and tell her (in the
most sincere and gentle way possible) that you're worried that she's
wasting her life on a stupid dream. Tell her that she has one of the
worst singing voices you've ever heard (whether it's true or not), and
feel free to into the logistics of tone deafness (e.g. how even the
worst singers don't realize just how awful they are, etc) if necessary.
Then proceed to explain that even if she was a decent singer (and
again, emphasize that she isn't, not even close), the odds of achieving
anything resembling success in the music business are beyond
astronomical.
 
She may put on a brave face and insist she doesn't agree with you, but
there's a good bet she'll be completely crushed (along with her
borderline-idiotic dream of becoming a singer). You may now spend the
next few weeks reveling in the smug sense of self-satisfaction which
comes from obliterating the hopes of others and dragging them down into
your cold, joyless, cynical little world, you heartless son of a bitch.

 

2. BECOME A FURRY

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Escapism is a powerful despair masking tool, and can be a powerful tool
for those with a low sense of self-worth. This is where furries come
in. If you happen to be unfamiliar with furries, simply imagine a guy
with a slight (but not crippling) mental disability and a bondage
fetish. Now, simply replace "getting tied up, gagged, and whipped by
someone in leather assless chaps" with "being fondled roughly by some
Dr. Who fan in an assless Snagglepuss suit", and you've got the basic
idea of what being a furry entails.
 
And although becoming a furry is certainly a good way to repress bad
feelings, this is not to say it cures them. Much the opposite actually.
For you see, the despair is still there, lurking just beneath the
semen-stained, brightly colored kiddie-land surface, roiling and
growing in strength until the day it finally overcomes you and you
stalk through the carpeted hallways of the office wearing only the top
half of a care bear suit choking back sobs as you rake your MP5 across
the faces of terrified coworkers.
 
But I suppose we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

 

1. CULTIVATE A FALSE SENSE OF SUPERIORITY

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Believe me when I say this: Convincing yourself that you are better
than everyone else around you is the key to true happiness. Once you
truly believe you are superior to all others, the social and mental
advantages you gain are boundless. Here are just a few:

Most Insults Become Meaningless

Any time you are insulted, you will simply dismiss the person doing the
insulting as "an idiot" who "doesn't know anything".

Any Works You Create Will Be Beyond Criticism

For the same reasons as the previous point, any criticism brought to
bear against anything you create (writings, paintings, theories, films,
etc) will be viewed by you as "idle chatter from uneducated plebs" who
"just don't get what you're trying to do." This allows you --the
"struggling artist"--to continue slaving away for years and years to
create Pointless & Deliberately Obtuse Websites without giving up or becoming disillusioned due
to the fact that hardly anyone seems to be paying any attention.

Loneliness Can Be Argued Away

The average person, upon finding themself alone, loveless, or
friendless might become depressed and be forced to make some drastic
but positive changes in their life in order to be happy. Not so with
the elitist. "I am too good for common people," they will think smugly,
"A god walking amongst men will surely be lonely." This is another
important facet of intellectual superiority: It is not enough to tell
yourself these ridiculous thing, you must also believe them
wholeheartedly, lest the flimsy mental foundation you have built your
life upon come crumbling down.

Praise Maintains It's Value

The final beauty of elitism lies here: You can dismiss criticism as
worthless while simultaneously accepting praise, because you know AS A
FACT that you are worthy of this praise. When you believe yourself to
be the most awesomest human being ever, it makes sense when people tell
you how great you are.
 
 

AND SO...

Our voyage of self-discovery has come to a close. Hopefully, through
reading this self-love primer, you've managed to quell some of the
distressful inner turmoil which characterizes your life.
 
But if not, here is one final photo which may help...

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