Corrupted Nostalgia: 8 Reasons Captain Planet Is The Lamest Superhero Ever

When it comes to awful environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. If you have to ask why this is the case, I can only assume you're not too familiar with Captain Planet, because let me tell you: Dude has got some obvious issues.

But I think my favorite thing about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. For indeed, so lame is he, that one does not even need to actively "make fun" of him or his show, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. This makes it extremely easy for a writer as lazy as I am to craft a decent article about him, which I do appreciate a great deal.
 
So here are just eight (of the oh so many) reasons that Captain Planet is the crappiest, lamest, most utterly worthless "superhero" ever.
 
 

1. JUST LOOK AT HIM

Seriously. Take a long, hard look, because this is the form an ageless, indescribably powerful extradimensional being has chosen to take. That's right I said chosen. Because Captain Planet wasn't born as a freak; according to the shows lore, he actively chose to look this way. On purpose.

Yes, out of every possible manner in which he could have assembled his atoms, he made the decision to appear to humanity as a sparkling powder blue interpretive dancer sporting what appears to be torn up remnants of a skintight baby tee with a clipart globe on it, oversize red briefs, and a dirty green flat top mullet.

But then again, they do say fashion is cyclical. Maybe in ten or twenty years, the "aggressively flamboyant molesty hillbilly mannequin slash early 80s punk rocker who continues to wear terrifying spandex clothes he has long since outgrown" look might make a comeback.

Let's hope so.
 
 

2. HIS INFURIATING PROPENSITY FOR EMPLOYING TERRIBLE PUNS

I realize that bad puns are not at all uncommon in children's superhero cartoons, but I feel that this does little to excuse Mr.Planet's near constant usage of the most suicide inducingly moronic puns imaginable. To give you an idea of the razor-sharp wit possessed by Mr. Planet (i.e. the show's writers), here are the sorts of "jokes" a typical Captain Planet viewer would be subjected to throughout a typical episode:

• (After tying up a group of bad guys with a rope) "Looks like you guys are all tied up!"
  
• (After burying a group of bad guys in an avalanche) "Guess these guys needed to cool off for a while!"
  
• (After throwing a group of bad guys into the ocean) "Looks like those guys are all washed up!"
  
• (After electrocuting a group of bad guys with lightning) "Shocking, isn't it!?"
  
• (After covering a group of bad guys in tar) "Stick around for a while!"
• (Before tossing a group of bad guys into a pile of garbage) "Time to take out the trash!"

 
If puns like these aren't enough to make you want to carve off your own face with a rusty civil war era bayonet...well then I suppose should I tip my hat to you for even being able to read this sentence, because you obviously suffer from severe brain damage.

3. HIS ONE WEAKNESS IS POLLUTANTS

What kind of a superhero can consistently be brought to his knees by a slight overabundance of sulfur dioxide in the atmosphere?

Oh, that's right: An extremely shitty one.
 

4. HIS TEAM OF "PLANETEERS" IS EVEN MORE WORTHLESS THAN HE IS

In the official Captain Planet lore, it is told that Gaia (the ancient spirit guardian of the earth) summoned The Planeteers to "protect the earth from pollution". Together with their magic rings (each of which can control one "element of nature"), this insufferably spunky group of ethnically diverse teens aimlessly wanders the globe in the hopes of catching sneering bald men in the act of dumping green sludge into bodies of water (according to the show, this actually happens far more often than one might think).
 
These kids each have a different power, and I'm sure they're all so very fascinating as characters, but I'm obviously not going to waste valuable time looking this crap up, so here's everything I can remember about each of the planeteers.
 

Kwame

Kwame (who I think is supposed to be African) uses the power of his earth ring to roll around largish boulders, levitate clumps of dirt, and even cause earthquakes powerful enough to knock small, unsecured objects off of the bad guys' shelves and onto the floor where one would presume (provided the shelf was high enough off the ground) they'd be destroyed or at least rendered inoperable.

Linka

I'm sure Linka is probably supposed to be Russian or something, but who knows. Her ring grants her the power of wind, which I assume would be quite useful if all you wished to do mildly annoy your enemy by mussing his hair, blow sand over a paleontological dig he was undertaking, or whisking an important document out of his hand.
 

Wheeler

Like most American teenage boys, this kid is an impulsive, horny, smirkingly ignorant little shit who's far more interested in bedding Linka than helping his fellow planeteers save the environment. But since he's got the only ring with a useful ring (one which can harness the power of fire to sear the flesh from their enemies bones), I guess the others let him stick around. 
 

Gi

Gi (like many Asian women) possesses the power to control the element of water. If I cared more, I'd probably take the time to come up with some funny or worthless things you could do if you controlled water. Obviously I couldn't care less, so let's just go ahead and move on.
 

Ma-Ti

This young boy hails from the Amazon rainforest. He was raised by a shaman, which means he knows a lot about useless folk remedies made from chewed up tree bark and almost nothing about how the world actually works. His ring grants him the power of "Heart", one of the lesser known (read: nonexistent) elements. This means he is able to "instill caring, passion, and sympathy, and communicate with animals telepathically." Luckily the kid is pretty stupid, so he doesn't realize he got screwed over with the shittiest power.
 

So that's Captain Planet's team of crack assistants. If the existence of these guys doesn't get professional litterers shaking in their boots, I'm not sure anything would.

5. HIS THEME SONG BLOWS

6. HIS NAME IS "CAPTAIN PLANET"

I mean come on, it's like they didn't even try. I have little to no experience in the field of Environmental Superhero Naming, and I know for a fact that I could come up with 10 cooler names than "Captain Planet" without even breaking a sweat. Watch and learn, envirosuckers:
 

1. Billy Ozone
2. Archie Accountability: Deacon Of Reconditioned Plastics
3. Brigadier General Boisphere
4. Uncle Stardust
5. The Cerulean Enforcer
6. Baron Von Treefellow
7. Anthony "Meadowlark" Gallardo
8. The Electrostatic Precipitator
9. Corporal Long-Term Sustainability Of Shrimp Farming
10. Big Terry: The Sexually Indistinct Savior Of The Wetlands

 
And those were just off the top of my head. I'm sure I could come up with some even better ones, given enough time, but I think I've proven my point sufficiently.

 

7. HIS EXISTENCE SPAWNED ONE OF THE SHITTIEST NES GAMES OF ALL TIME

As it's nearly impossible to do this game justice with mere words, I present you with this video:
 

I rest my case.

8. HE SQUANDERS HIS AMAZING SUPERPOWERS

Looking at the list of superpowers Captain Planet possesses (Flight, Elemental Control, Near Invincibility, Super Strength, Telepathy), one would assume that Captain Planet would be one of the most effective superheroes of all time. This is most certainly not the case. If you ask me, the guy seems to have some serious "resource allocation" issues when it comes to crimefighting.

Being ultrapowerful and almost indestructible is all well and good, but if you continuously squander your unfathomable power on trivial actions (like, oh...I don't know protecting a group of endangered owls from poachers) instead of saving human lives, you're a pretty terrible superhero in my opinion.
 
Here, take a look at this multiple choice quiz I mocked up. If you had Captain Planet's powers, which of these would you be more likely to use them for?

 
A. Capturing actual criminals; fighting for justice & freedom; saving innocent lives.
 
B. Shooting ice beams at the feet of guys who covered a group of puffins in a thick layer of petroleum; tying up loggers who failed to renew their logging permits with the Department of Environmental Conservation by flying around them really fast in a circle while holding a rope; swooping out of the sky to scold small children who casually litter in public parks.

 
If you picked A, you are probably a rational, caring, person who values human life. If you picked B, congratulations: You're as big of an asshole as Captain Planet.

FINAL RATING

Although I realize this isn't a review, I still feel compelled summarize by scoring Captain Planet in a number of key superhero areas.

• Appearance: 0/10
• Personality: 0/10
• Wit: 0/10
• Reading Comprehension: 1/10
• Themesong: 1/10
  
• Hairstyle: 0/10
• Sexiness: 2/10
• Teamplay: 0/10
• Superpowers: 9/10
• Crimefighting Ability: 0/10