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Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies".
I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of
offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward
first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to
find fit this description.
 
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't
take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled
with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance!
Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to
have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription
drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But
does your date? Potential.")
 
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to
attempt to fill this void by creating
my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you
quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's
that.
 
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all
of
these films. So take that into account before you read this.

 

5. LITTLE CHILDREN

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Little Children begins by chronicling the lives of two depressed
upper-middle-class white people (Kate Winslet & Patrick Wilson) who
feel trapped in what they believe to be loveless marriages. If this
sounds painfully dull to you...it kind of is. AT FIRST.

But fortunately
as it turns out, Little Children isn't just about whiny
upper-middle
class people of above average attractiveness who can't seem to keep it
in their pants. It's also the story of an ultracreepy sex offender who
returns to their neighborhood after serving a prison sentence for
exposing himself to a minor. I probably don't need to tell you that the
latter story is about 10 sextillion times more interesting than the
former.

It's also 10 sextillion times more disturbing. And moist. And
depressing. And molesty. It's extremely molesty. And believe
me when I tell you: I'm not prone to overstating the molestiness of
movies. This is Grade-A First Date Material, without a doubt. Spare no
expense.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

Late in Little Children, a lonely but optimistic
woman pours her heart out to a convicted sex offender she's just been
on a terrific first date with, and he ruins the moment spasmodically
jer-- well maybe I shouldn't explain it beforehand, it'd spoil the
surprise.

If any of you can't see the embeded video above because you're at work
or something, consider yourselves lucky, as it's probably one of the
"uckiest" scenes ever committed to film.

But if you really feel left out (or in the event that the above link is
dead), you can easily find this video by doing a quick google search at
the library or your child's school. Simply turn safe search off (as the
film is Rated R), type "little children masturbating scene" into your
browser, and hit enter.

I'm sure you'll find what you were looking for.

4. STRAW DOGS

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There's no denying that Straw Dogs is an extraordinarily unpleasant
film. Obviously it's two most famously controversial scenes (a
sickening double rape and a violent bloodbath in which Dustin Hoffman
butchers up a bunch of inbred English hillfolk) are responsible for
most of this, but even without them, you're still left with an
ominous, dreary, just-naturalistic-enough-to-be-unsettling early 70s
examination of modern masculinity, violence, and the darkest and most
depraved side of human sexuality.
 
Oh, and did I mention that (like many other 70s films) it also features
the most unappealing cast imaginable? That's a plus too.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

That's an easy one. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia's plot synopsis
which describes it in as great of detail as it should probably be
described in (I'd do
it myself, except I'm not really in the mood to be detailing onscreen
brutalizations of women at the moment):
 


Charlie Venner returns to the couple's farmhouse where he confronts
Amy. He rapes her in a controversial scene where Amy, who has lingering
feelings for Charlie, grows to enjoy being violated. After they're
finished, Norman Scutt arrives, forces Venner by shotgun to hold Amy
down (who doesn't see Scutt due to his silent entrance), and rapes her
as well.

Not soon afterwards, Dustin Hoffman blasts the bowels some eurothugs
with a shotgun, drops a chandelier on a couple of other guys, shoots
the
mayor in the face, crushes one of the raping hooligan's heads in a bear
trap or
something, and then shares a laugh with his best girl (the rape victim)
before the two of them dance over all the mangled corpses of their
enemies and drive off into the sunset. Or something like that.

To be honest, I don't really remember the ending too well, but I think
I got it pretty close.
 

3. FUNNY GAMES (AUSTRIAN VERSION)

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I can speak from personal experience on this one, as I was actually
stupid enough to watch this movie on a "first date" with a girl. I had
already seen it once before, and since I wasn't really too hot on this
particular broad (no offense), I figured it might be fun to see what a
young and seemingly innocent woman's reaction would be to such
a shocking and
deliberately unsatisfying (as the director's stated intent was to send
a
message about "media violence" by creating an ultra violent, but in the
end, pointless horror movie). Her reaction? "Eh, It was alright."
 
You can understand my puzzlement when she actually turned out to
enjoy it. to me at the time (she was very young, and seemed innocent
enough) but a week or so later when I found out (in probably the worst
way possible) that she was actually a sadomasochistic,
borderline-suicidal, nymphomaniac with a serious alcohol abuse problem
and abusive live-in boyfriend, the whole "not being too bothered by a
reasonably tame horror movie" thing made a lot more sense.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

Quick, let's see how many I can name off the top of my head...abrasive
European speed metal in the opening credits, sexual torture
at gunpoint involving a mother and her son, multiple scenes in which
[literally] nothing happens on-screen for minutes on end, including one
in which a little boy gets his head blown all over the living room wall
by a shotgun and we (the audience) are left to watch racing on
television until the protagonists regain consciousness, in real time.
 
That just about covers the worst of it, I think.

2. THE WAR ZONE

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Incest is always a touchy subject, especially for a first date.
Regardless of what you may have read online or in books, it is usually
impossible to tell how much incest a person has engaged in simply by
looking at them. If you happen to notice that your date has features
such as webbed fingers, scrotal albinism, exceedingly wonky facial
features, or extra limbs of any kind, DO NOT automatically assume that
they are an incest survivor and begin talking to them about incest. It
is far more likely that they are a product of incest, rather
than a
victim.
 
That said, it's probably a good idea to wait until at least the third
or fourth date before broaching the topic of incest, regardless of
whether your date is a victim of it or not. As crazy as it may seem,
many people resent being asked to view graphic films about incest (a
category which The War Zone almost certainly belongs), incestuous
family photos, or other incest-related materials.
 
So play it safe. Get to know your date before you make a complete fool
of yourself by commenting on how fantastic you think their sleazy
uncle's ass looks in a certain pair of pants and then trying to gauge
from their reaction whether they engaged in sexual intercourse with
him. Believe me, it never works as well as you expect it to.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

Hmm...let's see here. Is Father-Daughter incest considered offensive?
If so, then this movie probably has a pretty good chance of upsetting
anyone you take to see it, due to all the Father-Daughter incest it
contains.

And believe me: When I say incest, I mean INCEST. This is not
"implied" incest or "funny" accidental incest (see: Joe Dirt). This is
some Grade A, hyperrealistic,  "I'm an 18-year-old girl and my
biological father gives me erotic baths and has anal sex with me in a
deserted World War II era bunker while my little brother watches
through the window and may or may not be turned on by what he sees"
incest.

And if it makes you feel any better, I didn't like typing that last
paragraph any more than you liked reading it. Yeek.

1. ANTICHRIST

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Let me just start out by saying that I'm not gonna go into the plot of
this movie at all. This is partially because I couldn't comprehend most
of the events which happened in it, and partially because the plot is
pretty
bare-bones and 99% of you aren't even going to give a shit about it
anyway,
because as you can probably tell from its title (or the screen capture
above), Antichrist really goes out of its way to be confrontational,
obscene, and deliberately controversial.

Just to give you an idea of
what I'm talking about, here's a rough outline of the very first scene
in this film:
 
Extremely graphic, high-definition, ultra slow-motion rough sex
& opera music montage in which a fully nude Willem Dafoe (why?)
sexes up a similarly nude Charlotte Gainsbourg (again, why?) while
their infant son climbs out an open window and
plummets to his death on the street below and did I mention it also
prominently features an extreme
closeup shot of an unsettlingly large penis (not actually Willem
Defoe's, sorry ladies?) pounding sloppily into an
unsettlingly-vagina-esque vagina (not actually Charlotte Gainsbourg's,
sorry fellas) for [what seemed like] several minutes [at the
time]?
 
I did mention that? Great, because while it's true that some
people deliberately seek out "challenging"
(read: extremely fucked-up) movies like these, I'm gonna go out on a
limb here and say that the odds of your date becoming enraged,
traumatized, or physically ill during Antichrist hover somewhere around
90%. Which is to say: If you show this movie to a stranger you are
attempting to court, there's a 90% chance they will walk out of the
theater and never speak to you again.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

All of them? I honestly can't pick just one, so instead, I'll list
seven of the most interesting plot points in chronological order. This
should give you a decent idea of the degree of fucked-uppedness this
film manages to achieve in a little more than 90 minutes. It's actually
pretty impressive: 
 

  1. Aforementioned Hardcore Sex Romp/Baby Death Scene
  2. Deer With Dead, Mangled-Up Fawn Fetus Hanging From It's Womb
  3. A "Self-Disemboweling" Anthropomorphic Fox Who Turns To The
    Camera And
    Intones "Chaos Reigns" In A Ridiculous (Yet Still Kind Of Disturbing)
    Demon Voice.
  4. Charlotte Gainsbourg Masturbating Under A Tree Before Being
    Joined By
    Willem Dafoe For Some Rough Sex While Human Hands Emerge From The
    Tree's Roots For Some Reason
  5. Several Minutes Of Willem Defoe Attempting (Unsuccessfully) To
    Beat An
    Obnoxious Crow To Death.
  6. Charlotte Gainsbourg Crushing Willem Defoe's Erect Penis With A
    Large
    Block Of Wood And Masturbating His Unconscious Body Until He Ejaculates
    Blood.
  7. Other Stabbings & Bludgeonings, (More) Female Masturbation,
    Graphic
    Clitoral Mutilation, And Finally, The Brutal Strangulation Of Charlotte
    Gainsbourg At The Hands Of Willem Defoe.

 

So there you have it: The barely comprehensible sexhorror of
Antichrist. Well, most of it anyway. There're plenty of other great
scenes, but I can't really list them all here do to time and length
constraints. But if you're sick enough to find this sort of thing
amusing (god knows I am), you should probably just see the movie. It
might not be a great date movie, but it'd be great fun on family movie
night.

So bring in grandma, bring in the neighbor's kids, bring in
someone's pregnant wife, because Antichrist is fun for all ages.

Thanks for reading, and keep watching the skies, gumshoes.