5 Aggressively Unpleasant Movies You Probably Shouldn't See On A First Date

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Antichrist
Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies". I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to find fit this description.
 
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
 
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
 
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.
 


5. LITTLE CHILDREN

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Little Children
Little Children begins by chronicling the lives of two depressed upper-middle-class white people (Kate Winslet & Patrick Wilson) who feel trapped in what they believe to be loveless marriages. If this sounds painfully dull to you...it kind of is. AT FIRST.

But fortunately as it turns out, Little Children isn't just about whiny upper-middle class people of above average attractiveness who can't seem to keep it in their pants. It's also the story of an ultracreepy sex offender who returns to their neighborhood after serving a prison sentence for exposing himself to a minor. I probably don't need to tell you that the latter story is about 10 sextillion times more interesting than the former.

It's also 10 sextillion times more disturbing. And moist. And depressing. And molesty. It's extremely molesty. And believe me when I tell you: I'm not prone to overstating the molestiness of movies. This is Grade-A First Date Material, without a doubt. Spare no expense.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

Late in Little Children, a lonely but optimistic woman pours her heart out to a convicted sex offender she's just been on a terrific first date with, and he ruins the moment spasmodically jer-- well maybe I shouldn't explain it beforehand, it'd spoil the surprise.


If any of you can't see the embeded video above because you're at work or something, consider yourselves lucky, as it's probably one of the "uckiest" scenes ever committed to film.

But if you really feel left out (or in the event that the above link is dead), you can easily find this video by doing a quick google search at the library or your child's school. Simply turn safe search off (as the film is Rated R), type "little children masturbating scene" into your browser, and hit enter.

I'm sure you'll find what you were looking for.


4. STRAW DOGS

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Stwar Dogs
There's no denying that Straw Dogs is an extraordinarily unpleasant film. Obviously it's two most famously controversial scenes (a sickening double rape and a violent bloodbath in which Dustin Hoffman butchers up a bunch of inbred English hillfolk) are responsible for most of this, but even without them, you're still left with an ominous, dreary, just-naturalistic-enough-to-be-unsettling early 70s examination of modern masculinity, violence, and the darkest and most depraved side of human sexuality.
 
Oh, and did I mention that (like many other 70s films) it also features the most unappealing cast imaginable? That's a plus too.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

That's an easy one. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia's plot synopsis which describes it in as great of detail as it should probably be described in (I'd do it myself, except I'm not really in the mood to be detailing onscreen brutalizations of women at the moment):
 
Charlie Venner returns to the couple's farmhouse where he confronts Amy. He rapes her in a controversial scene where Amy, who has lingering feelings for Charlie, grows to enjoy being violated. After they're finished, Norman Scutt arrives, forces Venner by shotgun to hold Amy down (who doesn't see Scutt due to his silent entrance), and rapes her as well.

Not soon afterwards, Dustin Hoffman blasts the bowels some eurothugs with a shotgun, drops a chandelier on a couple of other guys, shoots the mayor in the face, crushes one of the raping hooligan's heads in a bear trap or something, and then shares a laugh with his best girl (the rape victim) before the two of them dance over all the mangled corpses of their enemies and drive off into the sunset. Or something like that.

To be honest, I don't really remember the ending too well, but I think I got it pretty close.
 

3. FUNNY GAMES (AUSTRIAN VERSION)

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Funny Games
I can speak from personal experience on this one, as I was actually stupid enough to watch this movie on a "first date" with a girl. I had already seen it once before, and since I wasn't really too hot on this particular broad (no offense), I figured it might be fun to see what a young and seemingly innocent woman's reaction would be to such a shocking and deliberately unsatisfying (as the director's stated intent was to send a message about "media violence" by creating an ultra violent, but in the end, pointless horror movie). Her reaction? "Eh, It was alright."
 
You can understand my puzzlement when she actually turned out to enjoy it. to me at the time (she was very young, and seemed innocent enough) but a week or so later when I found out (in probably the worst way possible) that she was actually a sadomasochistic, borderline-suicidal, nymphomaniac with a serious alcohol abuse problem and abusive live-in boyfriend, the whole "not being too bothered by a reasonably tame horror movie" thing made a lot more sense.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

Quick, let's see how many I can name off the top of my head...abrasive European speed metal in the opening credits, sexual torture at gunpoint involving a mother and her son, multiple scenes in which [literally] nothing happens on-screen for minutes on end, including one in which a little boy gets his head blown all over the living room wall by a shotgun and we (the audience) are left to watch racing on television until the protagonists regain consciousness, in real time.
 
That just about covers the worst of it, I think.


2. THE WAR ZONE

Worst First Date Movies Ever - The War Zone
Incest is always a touchy subject, especially for a first date. Regardless of what you may have read online or in books, it is usually impossible to tell how much incest a person has engaged in simply by looking at them. If you happen to notice that your date has features such as webbed fingers, scrotal albinism, exceedingly wonky facial features, or extra limbs of any kind, DO NOT automatically assume that they are an incest survivor and begin talking to them about incest. It is far more likely that they are a product of incest, rather than a victim.
 
That said, it's probably a good idea to wait until at least the third or fourth date before broaching the topic of incest, regardless of whether your date is a victim of it or not. As crazy as it may seem, many people resent being asked to view graphic films about incest (a category which The War Zone almost certainly belongs), incestuous family photos, or other incest-related materials.
 
So play it safe. Get to know your date before you make a complete fool of yourself by commenting on how fantastic you think their sleazy uncle's ass looks in a certain pair of pants and then trying to gauge from their reaction whether they engaged in sexual intercourse with him. Believe me, it never works as well as you expect it to.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

Hmm...let's see here. Is Father-Daughter incest considered offensive? If so, then this movie probably has a pretty good chance of upsetting anyone you take to see it, due to all the Father-Daughter incest it contains.

And believe me: When I say incest, I mean INCEST. This is not "implied" incest or "funny" accidental incest (see: Joe Dirt). This is some Grade A, hyperrealistic,  "I'm an 18-year-old girl and my biological father gives me erotic baths and has anal sex with me in a deserted World War II era bunker while my little brother watches through the window and may or may not be turned on by what he sees" incest.

And if it makes you feel any better, I didn't like typing that last paragraph any more than you liked reading it. Yeek.


1. ANTICHRIST

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Antichrist Fox
Let me just start out by saying that I'm not gonna go into the plot of this movie at all. This is partially because I couldn't comprehend most of the events which happened in it, and partially because the plot is pretty bare-bones and 99% of you aren't even going to give a shit about it anyway, because as you can probably tell from its title (or the screen capture above), Antichrist really goes out of its way to be confrontational, obscene, and deliberately controversial.

Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's a rough outline of the very first scene in this film:
 
Extremely graphic, high-definition, ultra slow-motion rough sex & opera music montage in which a fully nude Willem Dafoe (why?) sexes up a similarly nude Charlotte Gainsbourg (again, why?) while their infant son climbs out an open window and plummets to his death on the street below and did I mention it also prominently features an extreme closeup shot of an unsettlingly large penis (not actually Willem Defoe's, sorry ladies?) pounding sloppily into an unsettlingly-vagina-esque vagina (not actually Charlotte Gainsbourg's, sorry fellas) for [what seemed like] several minutes [at the time]?
 
I did mention that? Great, because while it's true that some people deliberately seek out "challenging" (read: extremely fucked-up) movies like these, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the odds of your date becoming enraged, traumatized, or physically ill during Antichrist hover somewhere around 90%. Which is to say: If you show this movie to a stranger you are attempting to court, there's a 90% chance they will walk out of the theater and never speak to you again.

Scene Most Likely To Appall Or Offend

All of them? I honestly can't pick just one, so instead, I'll list seven of the most interesting plot points in chronological order. This should give you a decent idea of the degree of fucked-uppedness this film manages to achieve in a little more than 90 minutes. It's actually pretty impressive: 
 
  1. Aforementioned Hardcore Sex Romp/Baby Death Scene
  2. Deer With Dead, Mangled-Up Fawn Fetus Hanging From It's Womb
  3. A "Self-Disemboweling" Anthropomorphic Fox Who Turns To The Camera And Intones "Chaos Reigns" In A Ridiculous (Yet Still Kind Of Disturbing) Demon Voice.
  4. Charlotte Gainsbourg Masturbating Under A Tree Before Being Joined By Willem Dafoe For Some Rough Sex While Human Hands Emerge From The Tree's Roots For Some Reason
  5. Several Minutes Of Willem Defoe Attempting (Unsuccessfully) To Beat An Obnoxious Crow To Death.
  6. Charlotte Gainsbourg Crushing Willem Defoe's Erect Penis With A Large Block Of Wood And Masturbating His Unconscious Body Until He Ejaculates Blood.
  7. Other Stabbings & Bludgeonings, (More) Female Masturbation, Graphic Clitoral Mutilation, And Finally, The Brutal Strangulation Of Charlotte Gainsbourg At The Hands Of Willem Defoe.
 
So there you have it: The barely comprehensible sexhorror of Antichrist. Well, most of it anyway. There're plenty of other great scenes, but I can't really list them all here do to time and length constraints. But if you're sick enough to find this sort of thing amusing (god knows I am), you should probably just see the movie. It might not be a great date movie, but it'd be great fun on family movie night.

So bring in grandma, bring in the neighbor's kids, bring in someone's pregnant wife, because Antichrist is fun for all ages.

Thanks for reading, and keep watching the skies, gumshoes.