2014 HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically
overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the
occasional fan letter ("Why do you hate me because I'm fat?", "Like
to  meet booted  and  gay 
gloved  cops", "what do you think about a game like socom ,is
it ok to play that game?") but the majority of the emails I receive
throughout the winter months are request for a new entry in
my  world-renowned series of holiday gift guides.

So you know what? I'm gonna make their holiday wishes come true. Ladies
and gentlemen...put
your hands together, pull them apart, and bring them together again
forcefully enough to create a sort of slapping sound for The 2014 Holiday
Internet
Guide To Products One Could Hypothetically Purchase As Gifts For Others If One Were So Inclined.

Go!

FOR THE FARMING EQUIPMENT ENTHUSIAST :

THE GREAT NATIONAL TRACTOR
SHOWCASE: NATIONAL THRESHERS (2006, DVD)

Holiday Thresher Madness

From the back of the box:

Tab Thornstien, international playboy and
world-renowned
farm equipment
journalist, has agreed to come out of retirement for one last big
score. The U.S. Department of Agriculture needs his help in tracking
down a group of rogue threshers whose blatant disregard for the 1869
Illinois Farm Machine Safety Act has angered several citizens of a
small farming community located in southern Jasper County.

With the help of Bill Hawks (Former Under Secretary of Agriculture for
Marketing and Regulatory Programs), Thornstien chairs countless
subcommittees, petitions tirelessly for additional oversight of
governmental bodies that work closely with the tri-county area's heavy
machine operators unions, and goes deep undercover at the 60th Annual
Reunion of The National Threshers Association in an attempt to expose
what he believes to be widespread agricultural corruption. 60 Minutes.

FOR THE XXXTREME GAMER: 

G-FUEL ENERGY DRINK

GAME FUEL DRINK FOR GAME

G-fuel is the ultimate pro gaming fuel for the ultimate pro gamer.
G-Fuel is not an energy drink for teachers or baseball card enthusiasts
or supreme court justices. G-fuel was created by gamers for gamers.

What makes G-Fuel different from other energy drinks? Holy shit! I'm
glad you asked. G-Fuel is probably the only energy drink which claims
that it is
specially formulated to provide fuel for the brutal,
bonecrushingly-intense lifestyle lived by hardcore gamers. Heavy, right?

Still skeptical? I expect these testimonials will prove enlightening:

"I used to be a "scrub", but once I started quaffing
G-Fuel, I became a
legend in the pro-gaming community. Whether I'm sniveling after a
lost-match like a scolded toddler, punching my knuckles bloody on a
$260 keyboard, or shrieking crude rape threats into a headset, G-Fuel
is there to ensure I'm always at the top of my game." - BlazinSoul420
 

"I'm a four-time world champion Counterstrike player
and G-Fuel addict
who has been gaming for more than 26 years. Recently, I developed a
blood clot in my leg which subsequently broke free and became lodged in
my brain, restricting bloodflow and resulting in a series of
debilitating strokes.

The doctors say my sedentary lifestyle and was to blame for all of
this, but I'm not so sure. But my suspicion is that my brain simply
wasn't getting enough G-Fuel. So four days ago I went off my stroke
medication and started injecting G-Fuel directly into my temporal lobe
with a 13 gauge piercing needle. I haven't had another stroke since so
it seems pretty obvious that G-Fuel cured my strokes." - [oXXo]
Capt.BambaBoyIII

FOR THE WORLD-WEARY OLIGARCH

PAOLO COSTAGLI STERLING SILVER/18-KARAT GOLD SALT &
PEPPER
SHAKERS - $4,600

Aristocratic Salt & Pepper Shakers

FOR THE "ORGANIC LIFESTYLE" CONNOISSEUR:

MOTHER STONE'S
OLDTIME
COUNTRYHEART ORGANIC FARMS ALL-NATURAL ASIAN HEALTH SHAKE
S

MOTHER STONE'S OLD TIME COUNTRYHEART ORGANIC FARMS ALL-NATURAL ASIAN HEALTH SHAKE

One of humanity's greatest weaknesses is that it is constantly striving
to improve human lives. "Let's create new medicines to cure diseases
and alleviate suffering, let's put seatbelts and airbags in our cars so
fewer of us die, let's allow women to vote and integrate black people
into our schools". It truly is disgusting.

Thank God, then, for the "organic lifestyle" movement, a refreshing
commonsense approach to science which seeks to do away with modern
absurdities such as large-scale, painstakingly-designed
doubleblind studies performed by disinterested third parties and
subsequently subjected to peer-review by equally trustworthy
institutions.

Why is Mother Stone's
Oldtime Countryheart Organic Farms All-Natural Asian Health Shake

better for you than traditional storebought "synthetic" health shakes?
The answer is simple: Mother
Stone's Oldtime Countryheart Organic Farms
All-Natural Asian Health Shakes
are 100% pure. All our
ingredients are
harvested from untouched corners of the earth by ancient Chinese golems
before
being mixed, packaged, and shipped by an elite cadre of self-trained
apes, thus ensuring that every single molecule of the final product is
free from the influence of Modern Man, self-poisoner and filthy rapist
of the wilds.

Here's a list of our 100% organic, non-processed ingredients:

  • Cave Salt
  • Iceberg Water
  • Plutonium (Exfoliant)
  • Formaldehyde (Coloring Agent)
  • Sulfuric Acid (Coloring Agent)
  • Equine Semen
  • Uranium (Coloring Agent)
  • Conium Maculatum (Coloring Agent)
  • Highly-Concentrated Castor Bean Oil (For Texture)

As you can see, there are no synthetic ingredients here. And since
Mother Stone's Oldtime
Countryheart Organic Farms All-Natural Asian Health
Shakes
are classified as dietary supplements, you can rest
assured that
the final product hasn't been tampered with by the FDA or other
heavy-handed anticapitalist big-government regulatory bodies
responsible for ensuring the "health & safety" of their
citizens.

Mother Stone's Oldtime
Countryheart Organic Farms All-Natural Asian Health
Shakes:
It's only natural!

FOR THE READER OF THIS PAGE:

THE FINAL
PARAGRAPH OF THIS ARTICLE

Final Paragraph

I know, I know, you're probably all thinking, "What? That's it? That's
all there is? There were only four things? And technically it's not
even four since one of them was just a photo of really expensive salt
and pepper shakers. So that's three things, at least if I'm generous
enough to include that stupid health shake thing since it isn't even
real. You obviously just made it up so you could rant about all-natural
foods. Horrible. A holiday gift list with only two things on it? What a
waste of time. You're the worst. Idiot."

Frankly I can't blame you for feeling this way. It's possible that I
misled you. You probably expected a legitimate holiday gift with actual
products a person might actually want to buy (or at the very least, a
list of products that are somewhat interesting in some way), and
instead you got...well, whatever it is I've written up there.

In any case, I'm sorry if you were disappointed.

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